Back from trip
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Back from trip
| Mon, 12-15-2003 - 9:58am |
Hello all. Sorry that I have been out of touch. I was out of town. The anniversary trip went okay. Not great, but tolerable. We just don't know what to do without our daughter. She makes for the fun times. As we were driving to the airport my W commented on how nice it was. She has done that before when I thought the trip was a disaster. I don't understand. Does she not see the tension and the problems? I thought that it was just me until a completely objective outside party commented on how much we bicker back and forth at each other. My W just does not have the same sense of humor that I have. She does not take things well that are said in jest. I think that I have been trying to rationalize that me and OW bickered a lot at the end also. However, that was due mostly to my fence sitting. I miss the easy way that OW and I were together. Yes, there were no bills, everyday problems, etc. We just had an ease with each other. She found the same things funny that I did, she did not mind when things did not turn out the way we planned. The best thing about her was that she could laugh at herself and at less than favorable situations. If the Christmas tree fell off the roof of the car (as it did) she would become silent for a moment and then should would bust out laughing. My W just can't do that. Things like that just send her over the edge. She immediately blames me. She always apologizes later, but the damage is already done.
I guess this is why I am doing what I am doing. I need answers. I cannot break NC, though I am so tempted. I just can't. Every time that I have taken a trip alone with W, in the past, I have come running back to OW. Maybe it is just a habit that is tempting me.
Jon
P.S. Bird, I will respond in detail to your last post later on.

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Jon
Ditto on Chris's comments to you Jon........ And also, from my prior posts to you in the past, you know where I stand on your
I'm answering your questions individually..........
""During your times of trying were there periods where you were kidding yourself?""
Hind sight being 20/20, at the time I'd say no because I was seeing small changes which led me to believe larger ones were just around the corner! It was much later (many years) down the road that the realization of the relationship being same as always truly became my reality.
""Were there moments that you have actually convinced yourself that you were happy, yet you knew deep down inside that you could not give it too much deep thought or you would know that you were lying to yourself? Did you actually believe it for a while?""
Yes, those moments came in huge waves in my life. First, the births of the children that in my mind, were going to make us a happy couple... something that we never truly were. Then, all the out of state moves that brought larger homes and more luxurious cars. My H is a high level executive within a large company. And then, there were the tons of fabulous business vacations and with each one, I tried harder (to be not only the good wife but also the good Corporate wife because I knew it was important to H) and I *thought* it would improve our relationship...H was very different on those trips which gave me hope. But once back home, the old normal routines quickly returned. I then concentrated my efforts to work even harder on the NEXT trip....I was so dumb!
As to actually *believing it for a while* ... I always believed that things were changing because I needed and wanted them to. I talked to my H, I wrote him letters, I got us into marriage counseling....Looking back, I literally grabbed onto every little smile, every minute promise and the smallest of gestures and built them into a mountain! But looking back at 24 years of marriage, I was not only lying to myself, I was fooling myself because like you, I NEVER realized what a true emotional connection between a man & woman IS or should be until I met xMM! For me personally, I wish I would have met xMM 20 years ago because even though a life with xMM is not possible for me, he certainly made me realize what I *should have* in my life!
Jon, each of our journey's are different but also same in many ways. I hope this helps you in some way. I also hope you know that life is just too damn short to live it in regrets........
About 6 months ago, while I was coming to the conclusion my A and all contact needs to end for good, some guy IM and then emailed me....came on really strong (same old bs line of I like your profile) SURE!
I was in the midst of analyzing WHY my A needs to go NC and I sent this married stranger a very nasty and extremely lengthy email telling him in no uncertain terms that he needs to work on his marriage or get out! I also told him he'll be a selfish jerk if he choses to put an innocent woman into an A because in the end, he'll end up going back to his miserable marriage and if his W finds out, she'll be more then hurt!
He just sent me a thank you email saying that for months he thought about what I wrote him....at first, he thought I was some cruel and vindictive B**** but the more he thought about my email, the more it got to him. Final analysis, hashed things out with W and together they came to a decision to file for divorce.....which they did yesterday.
I'm sorry they're adding to the divorce statistics...at the same time, I'm glad HE is doing the right thing by all and if I truly influenced him....I'm happy.
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