Back yet again

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2008
Back yet again
5
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 3:24pm

I was on the boards about a year ago, thought I was doing so well, but I'm back to square one again.  My A was a mostly a emotional one, but we were physical a few times, the last being over a year and a half ago.  He is divorced, I am married.  H and I moved over a year ago, I was sure this move was going to really help me get over this and move on and for awhile it was working.  But I have 2 small kids, I stay home and haven't really had the chance to get out and meet people so I got really lonely.  What did I do?  I sent a fb message to XAP.  Which he responded to.  At first, boundries were set and we were both doing good staying within those lines,  Then a couple of days ago, he overstepped the boundries, in which I responded and our conversations turned back to the way they were in the past, very personal and sexual in nature.  I snapped pretty quick this time, knowing that I don't want to keep going back down that same road again and again.  So, I initiated NC, deleted all his contact information off my phone again, and this time I deactivated my fb account.  I am not going to get back on fb until I know for sure that I can do so safely without stalking his page.  I may just stay off of it forever.  I have to get off this ride.  I am so tired of being heartbroken, knowing that it is my own fault,  I really need all the support I can get right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 3:59pm

Welcome back Living, I hope you are here for good this time. it is so easy to get sucked back in.  I did 4 months of NC last year and then xAP fished and I bit.  We were just "trying to get back to being best friends" again and nothing A-like happened in that time but it was brutal.  You just can't be friends with xAP.

I am now 10 months (and 1 day!) NC again and it is really starting to feel so much better.

love and strength to you

Rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 4:10pm

Hi, Livin,

As you know, so many on this board, including myself, understand more than we care to admit.  You are human, my friend.  What a great resource this confidential board is for those of us who are distraught and trying very hard to get back to our normal, happy selves.  You are not alone.

It's so important to be kind to yourself.  Your loneliness, even with children and a husband, can lead to  feelings of emptiness, something that I, for one, understand very well.  This is probably the #1 reason why affairs happen for women.

My advice is to try your best to not dwell-on, nor think about your most recent indescretion.  The mind is the most difficult place to enforce the NC rule.

Use this as an opportunity to work on yourself; improve your life and current situation.  While I don't have small children, I work from home together with my husband (who also works from home).  Days, weeks and years of this, day-in and day-out can lead to boredom and an alarming revelation about life and ultimately questioning,"is this all there is?"

I am in marriage counseling with my husband, who is very possessive, jealous and insecure.  I desperately want to feel desirable and beautiful, but I get none of this feedback from my spouse.  It's a complicated dance when you're married to someone who is insecure  - I am most always denied any "feedback" from my husband that might support my confidence, feeling beautiful and sense of self worth .

I urge you to look back on your life to find the trigger that led you to reach out to your AP again.  Try to find the source of unhappiness or what may be missing in your life.  Once you've identified it, try to go out and address it head-on.

I am relying on materials published by Wayne Dyer to help me with my own self-actualization - the basic needs of physiological, safety/security, love/belongingness, and self-esteem.

I hope you can use this time to further explore the underlying reasons why this happened, and turn it into an opportunity to improve your life and find the happiness you - and all of us - deserve in our life on earth.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 4:39pm

Hi Living4me1,

Welcome back.

At least you know what triggered you and have safeguarded yourself against it. So what can you do to get out, socialize and meet some other mom’s in your area?

<<At first, boundries were set and we were both doing good staying within those lines,  Then a couple of days ago, he overstepped the boundries, in which I responded and our conversations turned back to the way they were in the past>>

It’s a noble idea…isn’t it? I’ve never seen it work long term through. It’s so hard each time trying to filter what you say and how you say it. What is too much info? What is sharing too much? I would think keeping up with it is sheer torture and would always carry the possibility of slipping up and finding yourself right back in old behaviors.   It’s a tough lesson but you’ve learned it and can cross that idea off your list completely.

You have some NC time under your belt and you’ve learned some lessons along the way and that is growth. And you saw where your old behaviors where taking you and cut it off quickly. Give yourself some credit for seeng it and taking action.

You know the drill. You know what you need to do and you are doing it. You can do it! We are here to remind you that you can!

E1

 

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 6:08pm

I would like to welcome you back. I am sorry you got lost and stumbled.

Honesty with ourselves is a key to ending this relationship. 

You have made a conscious choice, to get a new grasp on life, a grip on reality and the things that make for a good life. 

What are you going to do to maintain them?  To keep control of yourself from going astray again. 

It take a commitment, a obvious act of desire to change, to go down a different path than you have been on.

The decision to succeed or not is completely yours, It always is and always has been.

Take some time to figure out why you needed this 'extra' in your life.  It's important to realize what it is that makes you do this. Read, and heed.  It is a tough journey.  Sometimes it is one hour at a time. 

This is a great place to be and stay.

The people here have all been in the same place you have been, and they are here to help you. We have all lived your story. It's always the same story, just different details. Staying, reading and posting helps everyone.

Come here to get the support you need, Get real with yourself.  You can fool us, but you are the one you have to convince.

I'll support you anyway that I can.

 

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 6:27pm

Welcome back, Livin4me1

Well, it sounds like you really mean business this time...and have been quite proactive in shutting down all avenues for contact.  Good for you.  Nothing wrong with staying off FB forever, either.

You may have gone back, but all you learned while here the first time was absorbed and didn't go to waste.  Yes, WE ruined your affair having...hah!

I'm glad you came back, well not glad...more admire that you came back for support.  Another sign that you really mean business and want to hold yourself accountable.

And it shows others that, yes we may slip back, but we are always welcomed back with open arms.

Keep posting in for support.  We got plenty.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader