Bad, bad day

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2010
Bad, bad day
4
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 5:33pm

Hi Ladies...


I'm probably gonna be the most common commenter here for a while, I can feel it!


I'm having a horrible day, while I still sit with my phone in eye's sight, I have created (for no reason) a (one sided) argument with H, told him I hated being married to him, and gave him my rings until I decide I want to be in this marriage???


Can I be the most selfish person in the world? He is devastated. His mother called to invite us for dinner tomorrow and

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
In reply to: pikulou
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 5:44pm

PL,

Breathe. It's okay. Dont apologize to us, this is what we're here for. You are not the most selfish person in the world. we are all here because we made selfish choices,but they are choices. and we can choose to be healthy and make smart choices again.

It sounds like you almost want a new life. Counseling can be very helpful at a time like that. I can't answer the questions you asked, but it sounds like you're tryign to self destruct. perhaps trying to punish yourself? only you can figure that out. what i can say is, while exploring and trying to understand is key, you cant just sit around waiting for the answer to strike you. for me, what helped is just to start making changes, and then hope clarity would follow. it has, very much so. think of it like "fake it till you make it" approach.

its OKAY if you dont want to be with your H. really, it is. but you cant expect him to wait around until you feel like being with him again. is it that you dont want to be with HIM, or that you dont want to be tied down at all? is it a product of circumstance and situation, or do you really feel like you need to get rid of everything in order to move on?

good luck in answering these questions.try not to be too hard on yourself (easier said than done), but you need to advocate for yourself right now, its the only way you will heal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2010
In reply to: pikulou
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 6:03pm

Thank you EX82 - you're so understanding.


I honestly don't know what I want. And you're right, it's unfair for me to expect H to sit around and wait til I do. Which he would I know he would.


I really can't answer the questions. Right now I feel, no I don't want to be with him, and I need to be alone but I'm afraid if that is a product of circumstance and because I am missing XAP.


My A only lasted 6mths (til end of June) - XAP left home within first three months and is still out of the home. He has a family of three children. But still maintained contact everyday until W gave ultimatum that if he didn't go home, contact would be restricted to once a week or fortnightly - this created a shift in him and all of a sudden a definate never going back converted into I don't 'think' I'll go back... he still isn't back I know from the last time we had contact but after a couple of weeks he's making his decision. He couldn't give me an answer about what would happen after this... which was enough for me to end it... even though all we talked about was the process of me leaving and then eventually having an open relationship for all to know about.


I worked with XAP. A became known and I decided to leave.


H DOESNT know. He's a great man, but equally would go crazy on XAP if he ever found out.


I don't know why I'm giving you my story, I suppose I've never put it in writing on EAS - and I suppose I did think I was one of the few who was going to move on and have a life with this man... so I feel a grave loss and bitterness and I'm hoping that - I will get over and learn to feel comfortable and content with H again!


I will look into counselling. I think it's my only hope.


Thank you for the support.


PL x

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2010
In reply to: pikulou
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 10:12pm

Hi pikulou~


Your story has so many similarities to mine, I had to chime in here.


I too am at the stage now where H is going overboard to win back my affections but I don't feel anything in my heart for him right now. He is incessantly monitoring me, and that is making me pull even further away. The further I pull, the more he smothers...vicious circle! I told him Sat I need time away from him and our M. He told me to take the time I need, but I can't just leave my kids.


I also have taken off my wedding rings. I think until I have forgiven myself, they just burn on my finger. I also wonder deeply what life would be like on my own, with no H, NO MAN at all!! I don't know. My thoughts are a jumbled mess right now. I have no idea what I want or don't want anymore. I just feel like I need a whole new start or a whole new life!


Tonight he wanted to surpise me to a fancy dinner at a restaurant/hotel. When we pulled in the drive, I almost died-literally! It was the very same hotel where my XAP & I met for .....!!!Talk about cruel irony. I still can't believe it. So all during dinner H is trying to be wonderful & I am sitting there trying to hold back tears and remembering what happened there. I could even see the cottage through the window where we (XAP & I)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2010
In reply to: pikulou
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 10:20am

Wow FL - thank you so much for your story. I am really hoping this is just a phase and not what's going to be...


That sounds like a nightmare, the hotel dinner thing - I don't know what I would do... I tend to avoid anywhere that XAP and I have been with my H... although what I have done is visit certain places we went for walks and done them alone so these places cannot be owned by XAP - weird I know...


How long have you been NC? And did you initiate it? Are you still missing him then?


What are the chances of you bumping into him somewhere?


I cannot wait til the day I don't wake up and feel okay for a split second and then my stomach churns at the thought of the mess I created, and the person I miss because of it.


Funny I still check the phone even though I've changed my number!


You say you have children, can't you have a weekend away from H and children to try and help you sort your head out?


Sending lots of love to you.


Keep me updated.


PL xx