The bad boy vs. the good guy
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The bad boy vs. the good guy
| Fri, 06-18-2010 - 3:23pm |
WHY, someone tell me, would I waste one more minute of my life thinking, recalling, analyzing every moment, of my A with XAP, when right in my own home is a wonderful man who has stood by my side for years?
I'm just so frustrated by this!

I wish someone w/advice would reply!
Maybe this article will shed some light.
Posted May 1st 2009 12:00AM
by eHarmony Advice
First, understand that bad boys come in many variations and degrees. There are the seriously bad apples who have regular run-ins with the law, habitually use drugs, and get arrested for violent acts. Then there's the milder variety -- mischief-makers who enjoy breaking rules just because they're there. These guys have unusually high testosterone, and they haven't learned to channel all that aggression in a constructive way. So they drive too fast, engage in risky behaviors, and seek out danger. Other guys adopt a bad boy image because it gives them an identity, acceptance in their peer group, or attention from their parents and other adults.
There are typically four reasons good girls fall for guys like these:
1. The impulse to perpetuate what's familiar.
Many women attracted to rogues had a father who was a little wild and rebellious. Because many girls idealize their father, they may seek a partner with similar traits. This usually isn't a conscious decision; much of the allure happens below the level of awareness. Girls may also choose these boys on the assumption that Dad will be impressed.
2. The urge to redo the father-daughter relationship.
The motivation is an attempt to revise a troubled or distant relationship with their dad. Often, attraction is fueled by unmet childhood needs from the opposite-sex parent. So if a woman chooses someone reminiscent of her father, her motivation may be to remedy childhood hurts.
3. The drive to rehabilitate or "save" a wayward man.
Simply put, many women are rescuers. It's a challenge for them to reform an incorrigible man. These women think, Sure, he gets into trouble, but I can change him! Ego is involved as well. It's inflating when a woman feels like she is the only one who can transform a man.
4. The appetite for adventure.
Other women like the excitement, thrills, and sense of danger bad boys bring. This is especially true for those who have been "good girls" all their lives. Perhaps they grew up in a family that demanded conformity and compliance with rules. So they're intrigued with men who scoff at rules and shrug off responsibility.
How do these relationships usually turn out? In a word, poorly. That's because bad boys won't change unless they want to -- no matter how long-suffering their partner might be. Further, despite initial attraction, most women get tired of bailing a man out of jail, wondering if he'll make it home from a party, or catching him with another woman. Women who sign on with bad boys enlist for endless conflict and turmoil. Ironically, the very thing that draws good girls and bad boys together is usually their undoing. Many women have learned the hard way that bad boys make bad dating partners -- and even worse spouses.
~Iddy~
mwjbto -
I thought the article Iddy posted was very insightful. I'll add that I think we always want what we don't have. "The grass is greener" concept. As far as not being attracted to your H, give yourself some time. I got divorced for my MM, and right now I can't even imagine having to put on a "show" for a man that I don't have feelings for - especially physically. At the beginning of my A, when I was still married, my AP brought out all the flaws in my husband. They are total opposites. Again - we want what we don't have - and we only get the "good" stuff with AP. We don't get the bad breath in the morning, etc. I've been working really hard the past few days to not put mine on a pedestal - to keep in mind that the man he has said he wants to be is NOT the man he is.
You don't have to answer this, but why do you stay married? It sounds like you have a wonderful man, as I did - he would have worked things out with me for sure. But in hindsight, as wonderful as he is, he just wasn't right for me.
Bodhi
Great article, Iddy. My xap was definitely a bad boy in the alpha male, high testosterone, high-risk taker, warrior type of way. I was definitely attracted to that as he would appear to be everything my H is not. Boredom got in the way of my M, which made it so easy to "escape" with xap for a little bit.
I realize now that I am at least
Thanks, Alwayst. There was an article in the archives too, but I would have had to go back a gazillion posts to find it. ;-) I remember back in the day I was attracted to the bad boy type and know NOW it was a form of rebellion against my parents. So, associating that
~Iddy~
Hi mwjbto-
I felt the same way about my H when I ended my A. That passionate spark had gone long ago and I wondered if we'd ever get it back. So I started working on it. I started investing time in my H... and it was hard at first because I was so heartbroken over my A, so guilty... so everything, you know? But I just kept trying. I just kept proving to my H that I wanted the M to work. And that effort came back to me 10 fold. He started trying too (though he never really stopped) and our M started to blossom. Of course, things aren't perfect. We still deal with and sort through the junk the A has left between us, but it is getting better... and that has led to a more healthy sex life as well. So, if you really want it to work with your H, keep working on yourself to get over the A, let your H back in and start investing in him. It will come, it will just take time.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Thanks so much to all of you for your replies!
I liked your answer - and at least if your M does end, you will know that you did everything you could.
Regarding telling DH about the details, I know there are both schools of thought, but I feel that there should be no secrets between spouses (which is why I left mine after not even a year into my A). As you said, how do you really move forward with that little bit of knowledge tucked away? Your DH sounds like a very understanding man, and if you feel he probably suspects anyway, maybe the best thing would be to get it all off your chest.
Bodhi
To tell or not to tell...I had never planned on telling - we moved across the country and I thought I could return my spirit to my H.