BAD DAY FOR ALL

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2004
BAD DAY FOR ALL
4
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 12:31am
Well, I logged on here after I beat myself up over it.. but I CAVED.. I called him, of course he didnt answer he was at home so he couldnt so I left a voice message.. I was so proud of myself today I even deleted ALL 6 of his numbers from my phone .. But found myself leaving a voice message tonight. Then I was just sick I let not just myself but Pal an a few others down an I am very sorry.. Pal thank you I read your post too an I agree, I didnt call wanting to hear he missed me or anything like that.I had a bad day dealing with my ex husband ( been divorced 5 years for those who dont know) an I just needed a friendly voice an I had already called ALL my other friends, wasnt wanting to whine or vent to him either he just always had a way of making me smile even if he was telling me about washing his truck.. I dont have any delusions of hearing how he has been miserable for the last 3 days ( it might help ) but, I dont know what I would have said.. I said in my voice mail this. " Hey, its me , I am doing this against my better judgement, but I know you called the other night and I didnt answer I am sorry, I know you understand, if you want to give me a call back tonight I will be here , if not I understand too take care bye ".. of course he hasnt called back.. and part of me is releived, if he doesnt I cant feel hurt I set myself up for it, breaking NC that I wanted in the first place.. Pal I forgive you if you will forgive me, I am sorry I wasnt stronger either but tomorrow is another day an we will just have to pick ourselves up dust off an try a little harder right?..Well I think I am going to try an get some sleep.. I have to be back at work tommorrow an it will be easier I will be to busy to think about it or him..These last 2 days being off left to much idle time..


HUGGS,and PRAYERS,

KRM

KRM

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
In reply to: krm_one
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 12:46am
bless your heart, hon. It's hard ending a passionate & intimate relationship -- doesn't matter if it was ultimately good for you or not, especially when you have a rotten day and you really need some comfort. I've been divorced 6 years from an extremely difficult man who's the father of my kids so I know what you mean about having hard times with an Ex.

I also went through that extremely strong desire to call my XMM -- for months after I ended my A. Even though I KNEW I was doing what was right for me, my life and even for my MM, AND I even after I met my current, single BF, I missed the romance, the passion, the attention from my MM. I eventually went into therapy to help me deal with that craving.

I did not give into it then because I knew where those slips would lead -- I tried to end my A many many times over the 3 years it lasted, even stopping for about 4 mos at one point, but once I called, or emailed or agreed to see him, it wasn't long before we were back in the affair.

My therapist also told me a wise thing -- you won't just get the comfort you need in that moment if you call him, you're opening the door to all the stuff that made you so unhappy, that convinced you that you needed to end the affair. You'll just be inviting all that back into your life too.

That helped me. Remember that & even though you miss it, do you REALLY want that?

good luck. I ended my A 18 mos. ago. I'm in a sometimes challenging (but nothing like dealing with an MM) but really deeply satisfying relationship with a single guy who I truly love and loves me openly and publicly! I learn and grow from this relationship constantly -- it's real and it's good. I'm so glad I got free of the A or I never would have found myself here, almost 2 years later, happier, guilt free, without the confusion, heartache and hassles of an affair.

You can do it too -- baby steps but you'll get there. sometimes you have a setback, but don't let that stop you -- you deserve more from your life!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
In reply to: krm_one
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 8:00am
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Fool,

That's the problem with my situation. I NEVER felt unhappy with him. He always made me feel wonderful. But I did know that we wanted to be together, not in the A. When he and his W had there big "blowout" he realized he owed it to her to at least try, instead of being with me right now. He never strung me along. It was perfect until that day. And he told me immediately what his plan was, even though he knew I wouldn't wait around for him if that's what he chose. I respect him for that. I know he would still like me to be there, but understands why I can't, and isn't giving me a hard time about it. I don't know. For me, I think breaking NC was good. I may not feel that way as my days goes on, but if I regret it, I'll use it as a learning experience and move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2004
In reply to: krm_one
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 8:32am
Pal,

It makes me cry an smile everytime I read one of your post I know I am suppose to be strong an tell you dont do this an be strong NC is the only way but we are EXACTLY in the same boat, I mean exaclty. He never made me feel unhappy ( till he had to leave or hang up )He knew I wasnt go to wait an he understood why as well.I know we had feelings for each other strong ones, I will get told I am just trying to justify an maybe I am some but some one who is just having an affair doesnt introduce the other woman to his family (mother, sister an aunt an grandparents ) and doesnt giver her thier numbers I had all of the above they actually thanked me for bringing back the man they all missed .. No it still doesnt make it right an I know that so please dont bite me for stating a fact . I realize another fact that his feelings for her are the only ones that matter an *FACT* is he is with her.

I know after sleeping on it I broke NC out of guilt I felt bad for ignoring his call, I know if it would have been important he would have called back an yes its possible he tested me ( but I doubt it) an I feel for those who had horrible endings an terrible hurtful things were said but in my case like yours I chose to end it because it was right for him, to give his all to his M if thats what he wanted, and for me too. We had no empty promises between us, and no fairy tale fantasies, he told me when he was going back an why an I understood and from that point we were very close ( emotional affair) we had no sexual contact and had only seen one another 4 times after, that was in public for lunch. Yes it was hard to leave, it hurt both of us..I think what gets me now is I know we cant even be friends publicly she will not have it I cant blame her no one wants to see the woman her husband had and affair with and be friendly, tho he has told her he would remain friends with me and she would just have to handle it.Its not really fair to any of us an I just dont want to hide it any more..So in a way I know I made a mistake an in another way I dont. I do know I will be stronger for it no matter what happens and find some kind of personal growth..

HUGGS,

KRM

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
In reply to: krm_one
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 9:28am
Hey Pal, a couple of things about your post. First, I noted you said he always made you feel wonderful. If you happen to read my reply to Cowgirlsup about affairs and alcohol, I pretty much explained in greater detail what I'm about to say to you. You're using this guy like a drug - to make you feel better. Whenever you need to get outside of yourself or you're uncomfortable or the feelings of missing him become to great, you run to him. It's not much different than if you took a drug or popped a pill. Either way, in the short run, you might feel better. You might even feel better just contemplating calling him, like you know you can put a bullet in your uncomfortable feelings, all you have to do is pick up the phone.

You need to give him up the way you'd give up a drug. Cold Turkey. I'm going to spare you a diatribe on the 12 steps and the admission of powerlessness here, but trust me, you're dealing with something much bigger than just missing him.

Here's what my T advised: the next time I have an overwhelming urge to contact the XMM, just sit still and think about what's prompting that feeling. Don't call, just sit and think about where the "need" is coming from. When have you felt this way before, do you feel the uncomfortability in any particular body part, whatever. Really get intimate with the feeling that makes you want to call. And don't tell me that it's just because you miss him. If that's your honest first answer, then think about why you miss him, what exactly do you miss, etc.

Trust me, KRM, if you don't look into these feelings, you are doomed to keep battling them everyday. Self-exploration will help you figure out what you need to do for you, so that you don't cave again.

So promise us, JUST FOR TODAY, you're not going to contact the XMM again, right? Only today. You don't have to think about tomorrow, or the next day, just today. I think you can do that. Love and positive thoughts, Mo.

mo 7-18-10