Bad day but kept NC!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Bad day but kept NC!!
8
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 11:46pm

Well, today was the first 'bad' day I have had in the last week. Since our big blow up arguement last Wednesday, I have been feeling pretty good and have had no problem keeping NC. Today however was different. Not really sure why - nothing specific, just one of those days I guess. I was hoping I was past these sorts of feelings, but I guess not. The most we have ever gone with NC was 9 days - he broke it. I'm pretty sure this time will be different, as we ended things so nastily. Anyway, I did good. I REALLY wanted to pick up that phone and call him. Instead I called a friend who met me at Starbucks for a few hours. By the time I left, the feeling to call xOM wasn't near as strong. Hoping tomorrow will be a better day! Just need to vent...

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 11:42am

actressdiva-
I know what you mean. I have had those urges to call before too. I have done really good lately. I have gone 7 days without getting upset about him. Yesterday I was having a bad day. I was in a really bad mood - quite aggravated about everything. I caught myself getting mad at him and myself. I was so mad at myself for getting into this mess and acting the way that I did. I hated him for doing this to me. I know it takes two but still I was mad. I hate myself allowing this to happen. I will live with this the rest of my life. How can I forget what I have done. It will be a permanent marker in my mind. I hate him for that. I hate that I wasn't strong and walked away when I broke it off before Labor Day. Why did I have to call back. I hate how weak he made me become. My XMM always was grateful I was talking and seeing him but as soon as he pulled away alittle after I broke it off the first time I came back like someone who was so attached to him. I hate myself for that. I had alot of anger yesterday and the day before. I am at peace again today. I still have thoughts running through my mind about him and why I let it go as far as it did. Nothing I can do but move on but I still get angry with myself for not walking away sooner. Its hard to walk away though when you have experienced what we did with each other. (we loved each other, planned out our lives together and most importantly I became pregnant in April. - I sound like white trash but I didn't know whose baby it was) I had a feeling it was his. MY XMM was there for me all the way and I made it sound like it was my h's for sure. He had his doubts. Well, I miscarried at 10 weeks and how sad I was but relieved that it happened that way. How could I just say okay, bye see you later, but I guess in these situtations you just have to let go and not look back. Its wierd to know that you will never talk to that person again after how we felt and what we went through. It makes me wonder if the love he said he had for me was real. I felt at the time it was but now I don't know. I hate him for that and most of all I hate myself for allowing it to happen. Never again.

Hang in there. You are a strong person and you have a great husband that treats you good. Remember that and you will go forward. Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 11:57am

Merehud -

Thanks for your reply. I am feeling a little better today. I know what you mean about feeling the hate towards yourself and the x. My XOM and I ended things the beginning of June the first time. I remember we were both crying, but we knew it was the right thing to do. Of course, I called him a few hours later and we met and decided to stay together. What a mistake that was. Things just spiraled downwards (quickly) from there. I hate that I let things get as far as they did. I hate that I fell in love with him, I hate that I let him in. I hate what I became. I hate knowing that he thinks I'm this needy, clingy little girl. I hate the fact that I hate him! I hate what I did to my H (even though he doesn't know about the A). I hate that I have to deal with the consquences of my actions. I hate that I still miss him, even though he was a jerk to me. I hate that I don't understand things and never really got closure. We had such a good friendship in the beginning. I hate that we ruined that. It's hard to get past all the anger and hurt feelings. We, too planned a life together - how could I have been so stupid? I am so sorry you had to deal with the miscarriage. I can't even imagine how difficult that must have been.

Anyway, today is a new day. I'm SO glad that I didn't call him yesterday. I was looking at my calendar this morning and thinking about how busy I will be w/ work, travel, friends visiting from out of town and the holidays coming up. I'm hoping that this helps to take my mind of him. I think about how amazing it is that you and others have gone so long with NC. I can't wait till I can say the same :-)

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 1:37pm

Oh my gosh! We are exactly in the same place. Both you and Mere have said things in these posts that I say to myself all the time!

I wish it had never gone that far, but I love him and at least I knew him, if even for a short time.

But, I hate that I miss him soo much. I hate that he will never see me/speak to me again. I hate that I let him get so deep inside my heart that it feels empty without him. I hate that I was weak and didn't keep my vows sacred. I hate that my husband thinks I'm still the fun-loving, goofy, devoted wife I've always been.

I hate that tomorrow is his birthday and I can't even send him a stupid card. I hate the memories of him -- of the way he smells and sounds and kisses. I hate that they will always be just memories now. I wanted so much more, but it was too much pain and hurt to put on everyone else just to make ourselves happy.

Frankly, I hate NC, but it is the only thing that seems to help!

I just hope he's happy. That's all I ever wanted for him, just to make him happy.

Stay strong ladies, each day we're a little close to moving on with our lives.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 2:11pm

Hey Diva,

Good job on holding NC. It is the worst thing you could do. I went for 5 weeks and felt so good about it and then broke NC and since then have been a real mess!!! Worst then before. Obsessive...compulsive...pshychotic..neurotic...anxious. Yup. Those are good words to describe how I feel.

Stick to it. Use me as the "bad example" of what not to do. Get through those bad days and then you will find fewer of those coming around...gotta run.

xo

Dipss

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 4:00pm

Shel -

How funny! I have said EVERYTHING you just wrote...except for the part about him being happy. I'm not there yet. I still want him to be miserable and lonley :-)

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 4:06pm

Dipss,

I'm right there with ya - even without breaking NC!! Do you find yourself wondering how long it will take till that urge to call goes away? I mean, it's only been a week for me, and I'm finding it difficult. I keep thinking, if I can just make it two weeks, or a month, I'll be ok. But then I read posts from people who have gone 5, 6, 7 weeks and still have that urge to call. What the hell is worng with us? I would bet hard cash that my xOM isn't staring at his cell phone wondering if I'm going to call. So why am I? I feel so <<>>!! :-)

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 4:45pm

Ok, so part of me deep down hopes he's miserable and lonely too! I also hope he's kicking himself for letting this sweet thing -- as he was fond of calling me -- get away.

Oh, and I hope he gets fat!

Ok, I should stop now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 7:57pm

Oh yeah - I definitley hope he gets fat :-) And that he never gets laid again :-)

Diva