Bad day... Made appt with therapist

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2014
Bad day... Made appt with therapist
5
Fri, 01-17-2014 - 4:42pm

Ugh. I've been at work for 9 hours. And I've done 2 minutes of work. Seriously, not being able to break contact fully yet sucks. My day today...

5-6:30 am... Kick my own ass at the gym to tire my brain and make sure I can get through the day

7-9: Eat, shower, walk my dogs, and spend an hour stuck In traffic. Wallow a bit. Ok, a lot. 

9-12: Compose, recompose, and recompose an email to xAP. Try to keep it professional to rationalize sending it. Finally realize I just can't send it, that as soon as I do I'll be stalking my inbox, analyzing exactly how long it takes him to write back (if he does)...delete it.

12-1:30, leave the office for a way too long lunch break, eat food that negates my ass kicking workout (Though you might laugh to know that means turkey on wheat...I'm usually wheat,grain,dairy,soy,sugar, and processed food free. Deli meat and wheat bread are both the enemy!) Wallow some more over no email or texts from xAP. Buy stuff at Lowes to keep my night constructive, literally, so I won't wallow (H is working late). 

1:30-3:30. Dwell, agonize, relive, question. Force myself to not FB stalk. 

3:30-4 Pour over therapist bios, find one close to home that takes my insurance and seems like a good fit. 

Called and made the appointment, little intimidated to be honest. But more work days/weeks like this are not ok!!! And god forbid I keep eating the evil wheat bread!!

But in all seriousness... I know I need this. I'm barely holding it together right now. H won't bat an eye, he knows I'm not myself, and he knows we've had problems and that I could use some help. Keeping this from him is so necessary, but so hard. He's not blameless in things that led to our marriage turning a less than positive note, but he has accepted responsibility for that, and he's legitimately a good guy that obviously didn't deserve this. And he's worried about me and us.

Weekend should be ok... one of my friends that knows what is going on is coming over for a few hours in he morning (H is working again). I'm trying/visiting a new outlet for stress relief/mental well being in the early afternoon. Then need to occupy my mind with food for the week (it takes a lot of prep to not eat so any common foods... The days of one quick trip to the grocery store are long gone...)

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Fri, 01-17-2014 - 9:17pm

I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to respond.  Since iVillage did this major switch over, I don't see new threads 'til I have logged out...it's been an ongoing frustration for over year with no resolution in sight. And usually, when I leave the site, it automatically logs me off, but today of all days whenever I popped in, I was strangly still logged in..until just now...so I didn't see your post.  And the crazy thing is, is that if I come here and I am logged out, I will see the new post...then log in and it's gone.  I either have scroll through several pages of the top folder and find it sandwiched in between two posts from November, or log out, go INTO the post, sign in from there, and then under options hit 'float to the top' to get it to stay on top...iy yi yi.

I'm sorry you had a bad day, but you seem to have handled it like a real trooper :)  It's going to feel like you are barely hanging on sometimes, and I promise you, this will not last forever.  As long as you stay the course, this will not last forever.

Kudos you for deleting that email and more importantly for recognizing why.  That's the big thing...thinking the consequences all the way through, which was not our strong suit or we never would have created such a mess of our lives in the first place.

I'm happy to hear you have a friend to confide and get support and that you've set yourself up with something new for your wellbeing.  You're right, it's not easy maintaining an uncommon diet.  Seems like there's a lot of planning.  I've been trying to eat healthy, which is uncommon for me...it's taking a while to get into the swing of things and to remember that I must plan ahead and not wait 'til I'm ravenous or I'll reach for the common not-so-good-for-me food.

Where do you stand now as far as having to see him?  It's always good to be prepared by having a plan in place about that too.  :)

Also, there's a thread in the Healing Library on guidelines for maintaining limited contact in the workplace you might want to check out.

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2014
Sat, 01-18-2014 - 9:55am
No worries on the late reply... Considering this post double posted, and I've seen other quirks already, it's pretty obvious the structure of ivillage is a bit shaky... I'm supposed to see him Monday. And Tues, Wed, and Thur. Gah. The weird thing is, if I don't go to where he is, it's out of my normal pattern, and my H questions it. Along with some of my friends that don't know. How off is that??? I've been slowly working in conversation with the H that rationalizes my extricating myself from going there all the time. And he's been accepting that... But he did question it when I didn't go this past Wed and Thurs because it is so out of my norm. What a mess! But as far as actually having to see him... It's gotta happen at some point. Probably just once. It's hard because we got really interconnected, and some of them are hard to just unwind. Something we often pointed out to each other along the way... How many connections we do have and how it made it harder-professional in a couple of ways (working together on his business, and I'm a customer of his business... And so is my H on occasion), personal- he and I have known each other years, H knows him and they text sometimes, and I know his wife and family too. We've all gotten together at times. Common friends, common hangouts. Again, what a mess. He genuinely wants to try and go back to just maintaining the professional relationship with a more casual friendship. That just turns my stomach. I can't face his wife. And I can't turn off feelings. So what we do need to see each other for is to resolve the professional relationship. I can get most of that in order then probably just meet him in public to hand things over, and let him know it's NC moving forward. Hopefully this week... One of my goals for the weekend is to get all that stuff together for him. And I told H last night that I was seeing a therapist this week... He seemed glad, and added in the joking 'As long as she doesn't tell you to leave your husband!' He's been noticeably relieved that I'm more checked in at home recently... But I'm feeling a bit smothered too. We've never been the overly romantic type, and his relief has come out in tons of I love you's, gazing at me, wanting to always be touching, sitting right next to each other, cuddling. Wanting a lot in the bedroom, being romantic about it. And I just feel guilty, both because I'm not into it, and admittedly crave the xAP. Part of me wants to scream what I did when he gets like that, if only to get him to stop. The guilt is really heavy right now with all that... Picked a therapist that specializes in relationships and marital issues, so all stuff to talk through with her too.
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sat, 01-18-2014 - 11:07am

I've read so often how most think their spouses don't suspect a thing, but of course they do. Sometimes they maybe can't quite put their finger on the subtle shift...the disconnect...in their spouse, but they know something is amiss.  It can be either an emotional shift and what you are also doing, a shift away professionally.  I think for men, they are afraid to confront what may be going on and just rather not talk about it, perhaps afraid of what they may hear, and will just sit back and hope it all works itself out.  And then, there's the over compensation.  I can understand your feeling of smothered.  I don't think I'd like that any time...get out of my face...give me space!  Your husband is frightened and he's doing what he knows best to bring you back around. 

We become so crafty to keep the affair afloat and now we have resort to continued craftiness to disengage.  

A neighbor is coming...I can see him through the lanai window.  I'll write later.

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sat, 01-18-2014 - 3:30pm

*sigh*

What a mess is right.  Yes, maintaining a professional front is important.  I don't know what HE means when he says casual friendship, but I think it's important that you tell him it's going to have to be less than that and only a friendship within the social circle for appearances sake.  And you might find that you have to back out of some social events.  I know others who have had to do that for their own wellbeing. You'll know when you are up against it.  If you find yourself anxious and upset with your stomach doing flipflops, that's your body telling you 'going isn't a good idea...not yet anyway."  And then start with a little cough, throw in a sneeze or two, as the date approaches :)

I know it sucks that it has to be this way...consequences...we all have to face them, and they are different for everyone...some are way worse than this.  

Glad you have an appointment.

How was your day today?

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2014
Sat, 01-18-2014 - 6:02pm
Cannot believe how much my actions were affecting H when I thought I was being super subtle. Makes me wonder if anyone that xAP and I spend time with each day know or think something was going on. Yeah, I don't think xAP knows what he means either. I think he was just overly optimistic that things would somehow magically be ok. And that was something he said when he was scared I would leave... I've been his comfort for just as long as he's been mine. And the first time I mentioned having to limit contact more, he was crushed. I'm definitely on board with avoiding those situations... Had an anxiety attack last Sunday just knowing I'd see him on Monday! Today was a better day. H went to work, my friend came over and we talked a lot about everything, she's been there, though in her case it's one of the few situations that actually worked out- she and her AP are now married with a big family and are very happy. But... It was two bad marriages, and a lot of hard times to get them there. Fewer complications, no kids involved, but still hard. But she understands the feelings, what it felt like to go through all that. After she took off, I went to the new happy place outlet I wanted to check out... And I really kinda loved it. It is the first time I've just felt like I was doing something for ME in a long time. People there were friendly, welcoming. I really felt like I can see myself there... And left feeling... Good. A little more in control. Haven't felt good in a long time. Made me see that even though I was at my old/current happy place outlet with xAP, I wasn't doing it for me anymore. I was spending so much energy interpreting looks, watching what I said or did cause there were other people there, worrying about him, wondering if we'd have a few moments afterwards to be alone. It wasn't ME time anymore. And today it was, and it felt really GOOD!!!