Bad day... Made appt with therapist

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2014
Bad day... Made appt with therapist
Fri, 01-17-2014 - 4:43pm

Ugh. I've been at work for 9 hours. And I've done 2 minutes of work. Seriously, not being able to break contact fully yet sucks. My day today...

5-6:30 am... Kick my own ass at the gym to tire my brain and make sure I can get through the day

7-9: Eat, shower, walk my dogs, and spend an hour stuck In traffic. Wallow a bit. Ok, a lot. 

9-12: Compose, recompose, and recompose an email to xAP. Try to keep it professional to rationalize sending it. Finally realize I just can't send it, that as soon as I do I'll be stalking my inbox, analyzing exactly how long it takes him to write back (if he does)...delete it.

12-1:30, leave the office for a way too long lunch break, eat food that negates my ass kicking workout (Though you might laugh to know that means turkey on wheat...I'm usually wheat,grain,dairy,soy,sugar, and processed food free. Deli meat and wheat bread are both the enemy!) Wallow some more over no email or texts from xAP. Buy stuff at Lowes to keep my night constructive, literally, so I won't wallow (H is working late). 

1:30-3:30. Dwell, agonize, relive, question. Force myself to not FB stalk. 

3:30-4 Pour over therapist bios, find one close to home that takes my insurance and seems like a good fit. 

Called and made the appointment, little intimidated to be honest. But more work days/weeks like this are not ok!!! And god forbid I keep eating the evil wheat bread!!

But in all seriousness... I know I need this. I'm barely holding it together right now. H won't bat an eye, he knows I'm not myself, and he knows we've had problems and that I could use some help. Keeping this from him is so necessary, but so hard. He's not blameless in things that led to our marriage turning a less than positive note, but he has accepted responsibility for that, and he's legitimately a good guy that obviously didn't deserve this. And he's worried about me and us.

Weekend should be ok... one of my friends that knows what is going on is coming over for a few hours in he morning (H is working again). I'm trying/visiting a new outlet for stress relief/mental well being in the early afternoon. Then need to occupy my mind with food for the week (it takes a lot of prep to not eat so any common foods... The days of one quick trip to the grocery store are long gone...)

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 01-17-2014 - 6:36pm

So glad to hear you are exercising!  That is huge.  

There is hope and you can get through this one day at a time, even a minute at a time if you have to.  Hang in there.....

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Fri, 01-17-2014 - 7:55pm

You are right.  It is tough.  You are doing it for you.

Any contact will lead to hurt.  

I've never seen anyone come away from new contact that it helped.  It only hurts worse.

If you slip and go back who is going to get hurt?  Think about it, someone will.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.