Bad Day - OM trying to make me jealous

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Bad Day - OM trying to make me jealous
4
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 8:51pm
Hi everyone! I haven't been here in a while, have been busy with end-of-the year school stuff and graduate school class. Anyway, I have done OK with OM - only e-mails, text messages, and one or 2 phone calls. He was quite persistent for a while, and I came close to caving in a few times. It hasn't been easy, as I feel he was genuinely making an effort and we were having some good conversations.

In the past few days, however, I have been a bit distant from him, and now I feel like he is trying to make me jealous.

For starters, he repeatedly told me about how he was going to a bachelor party at a strip club next week. I really had no reaction, but when I didn't react, he amped it up a little bit talking about how he'll "need a cold shower" after going there.

Next, he told me about going to the shore for the weekend with his fiancee'. They are taking her niece and nephew, and he said he could "practice being Mr. Mom".

The last straw came today when he told me of a female co-worker who was flirting with him yesterday at a work function. He mentioned several times how she was hitting on him and how all the male teachers from his building were jealous because she is "so hot".

Now, it was my choice to distance myself from OM, but it was a very hard decision for me. For a few weeks, I felt empowered and strong with my decision. But for some reason, these things really hurt. I felt like each time I was being punched in the gut.

I didn't react, though, and didn't give him the satisfaction of showing him that I was hurt. I guess I am having some residual sad feelings that the A is over. I do miss him, despite his trying to make me jealous. And I guess, in a way, I do feel jealous, because I miss the fact that we had something special.

Any words of advice, support, encouragement? I need some strength right now to not get too upset, and this board has been a godsend to me! Thank you anyone who reads this!

:)

Circe




Edited 6/23/2004 9:06 pm ET ET by icirce21

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 10:00pm
HI IC

Dont't let the CHILD get your goat, XMM reminds me of a spoiled little boy I used to babysit, and baby is the right word to.

Remember way "YOU" ended it, your back in control of your life don't let him rip that off.

Punish the foolish little boy by reducing contact when he tries these childish games.

Are things still going better with your husband.


BE TRUE TO YOU

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2004
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 6:04am
Hi Circe...

I haven't read your previous message as i am new but from what i gathered, you are doing the right thing by staying away. The problem with staying positive, empowered and strong is that you have to work at it every day, it is a tough job but worth.

Your man is a player, what it is so jealous about a guy who has a fiancee and flirt with other girls...this guy will always be a cheater, please, don't tell me you're jealous of this. Frankly, he is not worth to waste your energy on and another advice, remove his number from your cell, no more txt, no more calls, no more CONTACT. this is what will keep you sane and strong. Take responsibility for your actions and you will feel stronger. Dont' forget that if you're not there, his fiancee is and if not another one is because he needs attention and he is full of insecurity as he needs to be adored and wanted by women...let him be. Sorry but thsi guy needs counselling..

If you read my message on the board, you'll see that I identify with you in a lot of ways, but for some reason, I decided taht enough was enough, we do not need to be second best and having someone to remind us that we are!!

Get the book, "feel the fear but do it anyway" from Susan Jeffreys if you don't have it. this will keep your spirit up and stay positive. I am reading it at the mo and would you beleive that i am also starting the 12 steps program because I need to love myself first and I don't want to be second best anymore, nor obsessive, because that is what we become, obsessive. Anyway, hope this will help.

good luck and take care yourself...remember only you can change for yourself and you are your No1.

Shakira

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 9:34am
It sounds like he wants to know if you still care, without being upfront about it. Getting a reaction from you, even a negative one, will show him that you care...at least that's probably the way he sees it. He also probably wants you to hurt like he's hurting and make his life sound so great so that you'll "see what you're missing". I know it hurts, but I hope you stay focused on your decision and not let him get you down or draw you back into that world of an A. I would first tell him that he's not going to get a reaction out of you from these things, but if that he continues to try you are going to have to break contact. If he really wants to be your friend, he'll respect your wishes and try not to say those things to you anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 9:36pm
Thank you so much Free, Shakiras and Jessesmom for responding. It has just been really hard for me since I am still not 100% over the A. But...you are all right. These are childish and manipulative tactics. I am angry at myself for even letting it get to me. I know that he was hurt that I broke off the A.

We were trying the "friends" thing, but he had really been pursuing me in the past few weeks. A few weeks ago I had posted about his incessant calls/emails/text messages and even a few drive by's.

Free - things were going better for a few weeks with H. The past week or so he is back to being distant and preoccupied with work. His family (which is a large part of our problems) has started up their antics again, especially his mother. I am trying to stay positive, but things got really bad in December, and I am worried that we will end up there again...thank you for remembering and thinking of me and H. :)

Shakiras - thank you so much for your words of support. I really do need a swift kick in the a$$ right now for allowing him to make me feel like this. I am definitely going to check out that book and see if they have it on bn.com. And, deep down inside I know I shouldn't be jealous of anything he does. Frankly, I feel sorry for his fiancee'...and that is what makes it even harder. I know no contact would be very hard. We have been close friends for a while now, and I would miss him. But you are right. I need to put myself and my own needs first...Thanks again for responding :)

Jessesmom - that is exactly what I think is going on here. He is upset that I broke off the A, and is "testing" me to see what my reactions will be. I haven't really reacted at all, although inside I feel sad, upset, jealous... He sent me several text messages last night and an e-mail today that I didn't respond to. I will have to see him next weekend at a friend's party. He will be with his fiancee' and I will be with H. That should be interesting...thank you for taking the time to respond to me :)