Bad few days

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Bad few days
5
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 9:03am

Having a bad few days..sorry!

It started Mon night when I watched a trigger movie I had no business watching..totally set me off. Then yesterday I was just really missing MM. So I text messaged and he didn't respond. I am not sure he even go it or where he is. He is on leave from work right now so he may have taken a few days off. whatever!
I

I am just tired of working..my M is work. Getting over MM is work. Everything is exhausting me. It has been a month and I am tired. I know this is a weak statement but it was easier having MM in my life. I know that is a setback for me. But the NC was easier to keep initially. I guess the fact that he called twice last week doesn't help. I thought after a month I would be better. I mean I guess I am in some ways but I thought I'd have a whole new outlook and I am still thinking about him and us way too much!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
In reply to: capnmit
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 9:39am
Hi sunshine!
Those damn movies get me every time too. I have this deep seated urge to watch all of the affair movies in a row, kind of mental torture if you will. Also a guilty pleasure in a way!
Fear not my sweet gal it will get better with time. You just have to think to yourself "do I want this man to have total control of me in every way, including my thoughts?" NO NO NO
As far as the work thing-I feel your pain. I feel like all I ever do is work at everything,( i have a job outside the home, and a 3 yr old son, and a demanding marriage) but if you look at it in a positive light, the more you stay busy with everything ELSE the less time you have to think about XMM.
I have followed your post for awhile (i swear i'm not a cyber-stalker...LOL)
and you truly ARE making progress. And eventually you will see him in the light that will show his true colors and it will make it easier to get over him and truly lighten your workload a bit!
Good luck to you sweetpea!
~nuttmeg
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2004
In reply to: capnmit
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 1:42pm

Those movies get you all the time. Actually alot of things trigger me, but they are regretful triggers rather than I miss xmm triggers.

It does take time to finally see what the A was really about. It just takes each person a different amount of time. Especially since you were in your A for 2+ years. That is alot of invested time that now you have to work on letting go. I don't think it helped you much when he called you two times last week. I can see why it would effect you.

I wish you the best. With time things will get better. Just hang in there and take care of yourself.

Luv

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
In reply to: capnmit
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 1:48pm

Bria-

SUPERSIZED BIG HUGS TO YOU!!!!!

<<>>

I feel the same way. I am totally drained. I can't concentrate on any one thing. I want to sleep my days away. But I can't! Dang it!

Well my NC was broken on day 5. He came back Saturday evening and called. He wanted to see me. I didn't resist because I missed him so very much. We ended up spending the weekend together. It was wonderful. When I got home Sunday night, I felt like crying. I don't understand. It was what I wanted, right? I think I have suppressed the guilt for so long that now it's manifesting itself in other ways. He called me non-stop Monday night and I avoided his call. When I finally answered, he was upset. He called non-stop yesterday as well. He's complaining that I never call him like I used to...blah..blah...blah. I am very much on again, off again and I know I send mixed messages. I don't know why I do this. Why am I so difficult? Dunno.

I hope we can get through this. I don't have the answers, but I am here whenever you need to vent your feelings/thoughts.

SS

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
In reply to: capnmit
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 8:17pm

{{{{{HUGE HUGS FOR BRIA}}}}}}

Bria,

I totally relate. I thought I had completely ended this thing once and for all but then he came back missing me and calling and wanting to see me (same situation as Sunshine Burn) and it makes it sooo hard that we work together. NC is impossible and I just can't seem to gather the strength to let go.

UGH.

On top of that my M is a mess - H doesn't think so but I am miserable. And then I don't have MM ontop of it. And I am exhausted. I have been walking around all week thinking I have the flu but I don't. I realize it is just stress.

This may sound ridiculous but I HIGHLY recommend a manicure. I just got one (even though my cuticles have been bitten to a pulp with all my misery this week) and when she gave me the complimentary hand and shoulder massage, I almost cried as the stress let go and as I was receiving a little compassion/pampering. I suddenly feel like I do not have the flu for the first time all week and I think it's cuz the physical stress was relieved.

Give yourself a little gift, honey. A manicure or a bath with bubbles and candles. Something that you can relax into and feel ok, even if it is just for a few minutes.

For whatever it is worth, I want you to know I TOTALLY admire you for doing this, for going through the anguish. You will be so much better off in the long run to move on and be off the hamster wheel of limbo and agony.

I hope I can get there too.

HUGS Bria! You know where to find me.
xo

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
In reply to: capnmit
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 9:10pm

Thank you everyoen for your replies. I really apprciate them all!

Nutt-- You are right I am allowing him to control my thoughts. I am allowing him to take too many of my thoughts. Why do i do that?? I wish I could just stop thinkign about him.. just turn it off! I hope I am making strides behind this curtain of feelign totally weak!

Luv- Thanks for yout continued support!!

Sunshine- i hope you find the strength to do what it is you really want to do. Look at me telling other to have strebght..but really.. sometimes doing the right thing isnt what we want or isnt the easiet thing as i am truly finding out!! Stick to what YOU want to do inside..

Loves-- well buddy here we are battling this crap!! You are too kind to admire me. I feel like I am so weak. My only saving grace is my MM doesnt really want me anymore. I mean he is dabbling I think but I dont think he wants me back like we were. If he was callign all the time telling me he did you may see a very different BRia here!! I think you have it way harder than me. YOu have to fight something that you want but know you shoudlnt have! ANd your MM isnt helping!

Just a bad day!! Hoping for a better tomorrow!!

Thanks