Bad mental health day!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Bad mental health day!
4
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 7:21pm
Of course somedays are better than others - this happens to be one of the others. I try so hard for NC, but keep having set backs. If you read my post on Sunday, you know that xOM drunk dialed me Saturday night. I couldn't help myself and called him yesterday. We ended up talking for an hour. I wish we hadn't. First he said he didn't even remember calling me - then he said he called to "hook up". I asked what # I was on the BC speed dial - he said #2. I was so pissed! I don't know if he was saying it to be mean and spiteful, or if he really meant it.

Here's what really sucks - I was fairly happy with H until I met OM (who was/is single). When we met, it was just this automatic connection. I tried to fight it, but I couldn't help myself. He was like no one I had ever met before. Funny - he told me how he was with women before anything happened with us - typical player, take em or leave em, just in it for sex. But then with me he was different. He was tender and caring. He said he had never been in love before and had never imagined his life with one person before...until he met me. Anyway, he broke things off 2 months ago, for various reasons and seems to be doing just fine without me. Meanwhile, I'm still a complete wreck! Weekends are especially tough - thinking he's out at the bar...wondering if he's found someone else...even if it's just for the night. I know I shouldn't care. I know I should just let it go and concentrate on the wonderful man I have at home...so why is it so hard to do??

I honestly believe he loved me - and I him. So then why can he just pick up and move on, while I still cry whenever I hear a song that reminds me of him?? How can he suddenly think that after the intensity of what we had, we can just be bed buddies?? Can he really just turn his emotions off like a light switch? He's like Dr. Jekyle & Mr. Hyde - I feel like I don't even know him anymore. And what the hell is wrong with me?? Why do I want a man who treats me this way?? Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 8:09pm
If I am mistaken, please correct me but isn't he a 24-year-old single male? If so, a lot of your questions about his behavior, attitude, and approach could be answered in the above sentence. One would hope that a 24-year-old would be on his/her way out of the party scene and making blackout drunken phone calls in the middle of the night but it sounds as though he is continuing down that path. Most of us have made those phone calls on an intoxicated night (hopefully in our younger days) and we made them because we had alcohol-induced emotions. Alcohol induced emotions are not real emotions. But under the influence, people feel needy and will often attempt to use others to fill the immediate need. If he is primarily calling you when he is drunk or planning on drinking, that would be an indicator that he views you as an occassional playmate. I know it really, really hurts to love someone and wonder if they are hooking up with other people. If you are one whose mind wanders habitually to the worst case scenario, it can feel like a living hell. I am truly sorry that you are going through this. All I can suggest is that you quit engaging in conversations with him. It sounds as though you are looking for answers through some magical thing he is going to say or some action he is going to make. I promise you that the answers will never be found in him -- ever. It seems as though a great deal of your focus is on the external - him. I would be willing to bet that all of your questions can be answered by you. The good news is that you have the answers and don't have to rely on someone else. But in order for you to find the answers you are going to need to quit looking for them in other people and allow yourself to find the answers. It is truly up to you as to how long you want to prolong the process and there is no judgment if you do indeed prolong your suffering but it seems like a painful waste of time and at the end of the day the best this man is going to offer you are drunk phone calls in the middle of the night that are degrading and leave you empty. You can be a full woman and it is my great hope that you will begin to be self-protective enough to surround yourself with people who will honor you and add genuine blessings to your life. If therapy is an option I would suggest you give it a try. Also, books like How to Break an Addiction to Someone and How to Fall Out of Love are good books to help begin the healing process. Best of luck to you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 8:15pm
You have to decide...are you willing to leave your H for this man? If not, cut off all contact with him NOW. Before you get hurt worse.

Do you really want to be wanted just for sex? You are better than that. We all fell into that trap. I thought I was in love, like so many people here. My exMM told me he was in love with me. Well, in the end, it was all bunk. I don't know why he made me feel so great -- the rush, the excitement, the great physical and mental connection -- and I can't deny they were "real" at the time. But the fact is, they were wrong, and probably just an illusion of my own making.

As someone just said, if you have a void in your life, only you can fill it. This guy can't.

I almost lost a wonderful H because of a fantasy I created for myself. If you treasure your relationship, end the A now, and get started on your healing. It hurts like HELL, but I can tell you from recent experience that it does get better.

Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 8:15pm
Diva

You never knew this man all you ever knew about him was his GAME, he refined this game on other women that believe the B/S to he did not turn off his emotions because they were not real, I know this idea has to hurt but you need to start addressing reality, you are somewere on his booty call list along with a bunch of other single and married women he has screwed over for his pleasure with zero regard to what it would do to them.

The connection was not real, it may have seemed real to you but it was a one way deal.

You keep saying you could not help yourself, if that is true then you should consider getting IC to help find out way you cannot control yourself.

Was it that you could not help yourself or that you chose and continue to choose not to stop this thing by giving your self permission to cheat on your husband saying I cannot help myself.

Sorry to sound harsh but the road to freedom from this mess starts at being honest with yourself about yourself, knowledge is power.

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 11:01pm
Dear Anxietyfree:

i thought it was very good and moral of you to care and be happy that your xMM's W and kids were not hurt by the A. Your story really inspired me especially about how the A made you lose your strength. I have lost so much strength and I want it back. I liked what you said about being a grownup means you don't always get what you want. You are doing really good and trying to be a good person. Thats what I told my XMM as to why I wanted NC that I wanted to be a good person.