*banging head off the wall*
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| Mon, 10-05-2009 - 6:24pm |
I cant help myself. XAP contacted me and I responded...why why why. He called me yesterday and I let it ring, listen to his message then called him back within 10 mins. The call was short....I called him today and he didnt answer, oh and I emailed him lastnight...no email back. Its so a game to him. I come running when he coming looking; I hate this! Im still under his thumb.
I feel like emailing him and telling him that he choose not to have a life with me so let me move on with mine. This I want to talk when I want too and irgone you when I dont want to talk is just bullsh*t.
But really who should I be angry with, him or me? Me right, I know better, I know he cant give me what I need yet still Im like a love sick puppy...more like a guttlen for pushiment. Why cant I help myself?? Why cant I get it out of my head that hes no good for me, Im a time filler to him, Im a game to him. He doesnt love me or misses me....he misses how good I make him feel about himself because he knows hes so ugly inside.
I need to find my strength; but do I email him and tell him to leave me alone?? UGH...I hate this.
But in the meantime Im telling my H that I need excitment in some way, so is this whole thing with XAP just for the thrill of it, until I end up hurt, because I always do. Im bothered to no end just over him not contacting me today and I dont even know why. I feel out of control, Im wanting to chase after something that I know deep down I dont want.
Does anyone out there understand me, my behaviour ?because I sure dont.

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Debbra,
I read your discussion title and I said, "that's Me!" and it is very true. I am squarely where you are and battled every minute today after going a week of NC and then stupidly bringing him back in.
But, today is Day 2 (again) and I feel odd, but am stronger for knowing I could go at least a week. Maybe next time it'll be NC for keeps?
Are you really able to find that excitement (at some level) with your H?? If so, run there and put all your energies into that.
I know this is hard and you are disappointed in yourself. Remember that you can gain control by doing nothing and not letting him get to you. (I am preaching to the choir, I know!)
Forgive yourself and stay strong and remember how you feel now so you can hopefully avoid doing that again...
Take care,
-Lofluv
Hi DM :)
You reached out for your fix from your drug supplier, but he only gave you a taste...enough to keep you hooked.
Hi Clarity
you wrote: "He is just a man who is providing the feel-goods. It's not him...just how he make you feel. Find out what it is that he is providing you and then go out and find it elsewhere."
I agree with you that it is the attention that we crave... Should we find the attention elsewhere or should we learn how to live without any attention?
Hugs!
htgo
Good Morning....
You can do this....
Classy,
It was almost 2 months with NC, and I thought I was feeling strong and bouncing back. Not only emtionally but also with my H. It just amazes me that how one phone call brings the fog back thicker than what it was before.
Thank you for letting me know Im not alone and not a failure.
Lofluv,
I think someone should have passed out the helments for moments like this. I was doing really well( at least I thought), so here I am back at square one. But I think Im ok with that because Im not giving up on myself.
Excitement-
Withclarity,
Thanks for the focus. I was and still am trying to figure out what it is that this man has over me. I know hes no good for me or my family and I am very thankful that most of the damage I have done to my M can be fixed.
I dont know what his 'drug' is but what I do know and I try to focus on is that when the lights go down he is NOT the man I want or need.
Good morning HTGO :)
Depends upon what type of attention one seeks.
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