Basket case!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Basket case!
6
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 1:48pm
Feel I should issue a *Long Post Warning* up front.

I've never posted on this site before. In fact, I'm not even certain this is the proper site so will post on two, however after poking around here for a while, you all seem terribly level-headed and I could really use some support (before I worry, drink, smoke, starve, or embarrass myself to death!) Plus, far cheaper than therapy and you all have "been there" which is so comforting. In short, I am trying to avoid having a mini-A (maybe there is no such thing) blow into a full scale A.

I've found myself in a nightmarishly-fabulous situation with an ex-boyfriend who is now married (I am single.) We were in college when I ended the relationship; the distance was too overwhelming, we were so young with big futures ahead of us, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, years have passed and, as childhood friends, we run into each other now and again. But each time I'd see him became more challenging; especially since he married. I've always still cared about him and suspected he was "the one I let get away." I've also known he feels the same; we've never said it, but it's always been clear. How in the name of Pete can eye contact be so revealing?? In fact, in the last year, I've purposefuly avoided seeing him to spare myself the emotional trauma; a mature feat about which I'd been quite proud of myself...until several months ago.

A mutual friend of ours passed away after a long battle with cancer and everyone returned home for the funeral...he without his wife. The entire weekend was very "Big Chill" and at some un-Godly hour of the morning after vats of wine and loads of nostalgia, we talked. Actually, for the record, he talked first. He told me he still loves me and thinks of me every day. Forget Mrs. Maturity, I literally melted. We spent the night together (although no sex and, for some odd reason, I instituted a No Kissing on the Mouth rule...no idea what I did that for, but it seemed logical at the time. As it turns out, I don't recommend this tactic as it somehow made things far sexier.) Anyway, his marriage is not going well and he's thinking of moving back home where I still live. Why this terrifies me, I'm not sure. Logical Me says I'm only in love with the memory of us. Emotional Me says this is my dream come true. He has contacted me by phone several times and I've urged him to work on his marriage (am I a fool?!?) I guess I just can't bear the thought of playing a role in tearing his wife's life apart.

So anyway, they are both coming to town for a visit this weekend and I can't think straight. I know him well enough to know what he's doing, plus I feel the same way. It just feels better to be closer; to not have half a continent between us. But I can't allow myself to see him(ouch...Them!). I'm far too emotionally wrapped up in this mess; it is simply ALL I think about. Not to mention the fact that his wife suspects something is going on between us and I'm fairly certain she's the type to cause a scene if we run into each other. I'm not sure how to get through the weekend. I've thought about leaving town; but can't bear the thought. I've thought about hiding out at home; but know I'll cave. I want to see him so desperately. Feel like a foolish 16 year-old! What's happend to me? I don't want to doom what could be a nice future for me but I don't want to be responsible for encouraging him further.

Thank you, thank you for letting me share! And I apologize for the length of this post. I don't know that there's any advice to give me. Maybe I just really needed to vent. This internal battle over what you know is right for others and what you suspect could be right for you is a nightmare. I've never had so many emotions at once. Never dreamed I'd find myself in this situation...has certainly made me empathetic with others in A's when I used to only feel hostility.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
In reply to: boomerangs
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 3:18pm
Wow, what a situation. I can understand your feelings. I like your rule about 'no kissing on the mouth!' LOL

Anyway, I would just suggest that you try to be strong and tell him that you just can't be with him physically while he has a wife. I know that's easier said than done.

I'm actually married and got intimate with a MM so I know how strong the feelings are and sometimes you just talk yourself into it. But, with what you say about his W - it sounds like things could get pretty messy and just think about that long and hard before you act.

Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
In reply to: boomerangs
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 3:43pm
Thanks Wrkngwm

You are absolutely right about her...frankly she scares me a little. Kind of an emotional firecracker. She overheard him talking on the phone with me once and absolutely lost it (even though what she couldn't hear was me trying to convince him to put more effort into his marriage.) She started screaming and hitting him. Maybe I shouldn't blame her. Although the hitting thing is a bit much. I certainly don't want to be at the receiving end of that. It'd be pretty awful to show up at the office next week with a black eye. I deeply appreciate your support. Feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders after keeping this bottled up for so long. Now have renewed strength! At least 'til this weekend:-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
In reply to: boomerangs
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 4:23pm
Boomerangs, welcome. I'm glad you came here now, before you get too caught up in things! This is a good place for a reality check! If you read about the pain other people here have gone through because of relationships with MM, hopefully you'll be dissuaded from letting things go any further unless & until the MM ends his marriage.

I wish you strength! I know how easy it is to get caught up in the whirlwind of emotions surrounding an A, but I think you'll discover from other's experiences here, a relationship built on sneaking around, being last priority, and empty promises of a future together is NOT what you need. You deserve so much more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
In reply to: boomerangs
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 4:59pm
my advice... look at that one time with him as a ONE TIME thing! Enjoy the memories of years ago and hold fast to reliving them for ONE night! But as someone said... listen to those of us caught up in these affairs and the experiences we've had... read the pain posted around here and REALLY decide if YOU want to live it! Someone said to me, when I was comprehending what I wanted to do with exMM before anything had happened... she said... "it's a whole NEW kind of hell"!!!!! It felt like hell when I was just loving him from afar and thought I'd never get to experience being in his arms... but after you find yourself in a FULL BLOWN A - it's a WHOLE NEW kind of hell and it doesn't seem to want to go away - you'll live with it the REST of your life!

Besides those thoughts - I wanna add... if you REALLY respect yourself and the idea that if a man wants to be with you - he should be with ONLY you... hold out for that divorce. If he was wanting a divorce before you than maybe he's really on his way out - but I GUARANTEE if he senses you are okay with just being involved with him while he's married and he doesn't have to go through the whole divorce fiasco than he WON'T and that isn't fair on ANYONE'S account!

That's MY advice... and I know I didn't take any of the advice offered to me back when... but MAN I WISH I WOULD HAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God's best to you!


Edited 9/2/2004 7:34 pm ET ET by ldesma

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
In reply to: boomerangs
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 7:25pm
You all are the best!

The feedback is again appreciated and so is the opportunity to read all of your secrets and learn from them. So rare for me because I am a pretty private person and would NEVER talk about this kind of stuff to my friends or family. How funny that it's so easy to open up with the guarantee of anonymity. I posted on two boards because I wasn't sure if I was "ending" or was actually "in" an A. Anyway, the advice from both has been entirely consistent and is completely in line with my gut feelings. You've all helped me calm down that think.

You know one thing that nags at me though....for years I was content (at least somewhat) to love him from afar. It was enough to be able to see him on occasion and quietly enjoy the feelings I know we both shared. Even if I had to go through horrible withdrawl afterwards. I would NEVER have said anything to him if he hadn't said it first. I think what's tough now is knowing that if he and his wife stay together, I'll have to stay away. Unless they both move here ( which is a distinct possibility) and then I think I'll simply die because avoiding them would be an impossibility. That's part of what makes this weekend so difficult. It's like a small taste of the worst case senario as I see it. Not sure the "one great night" was worth it. Should have at least had fabulous sex, huh? :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: boomerangs
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 7:56pm
boomerangs

His wife many have reacted to your phone call so violenty because your not his first affair.

Belive me you do not want to get into an affair it is nothing but pain and regret with a good measure of guilt and shame mixed in.

Read my post in response to the chilian bass by believe2005 post to get your hands on some affair facts.


Edited 9/2/2004 7:59 pm ET ET by mefreenow