B.day harder than I thought

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
B.day harder than I thought
6
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 5:19pm

As I mentioned in a previous post, today is my xMM's birthday. Wow, this is much harder than I thought it would be. He has been on my mind ALL day, and the urge to pick up the phone is ... Wow! This is the most I've had to fight the urge to call since that first week of NC.

Fellow posters! Remind me of all the reasons why I don't want to talk to the birthday boy! I obviously forgot them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 5:47pm

Shel,

Oh man, do I know where you are! I, stupidly, caved on xOM's bday (which was only about 3 weeks ago). One of the worst mistakes I could have made. We had a pretty good conversation, but I hung up the phone and cried. Hearing his voice and the happy tone he had just killed me. It also opened the door for communication back up. The 2am phone calls started up again the very next day. Which of course, put me right back at square one! Don't ruin your progress! TRUST ME - IT SUCKS TO START OVER AGAIN (I'm doing it again for the millioneth time)!!

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 5:53pm

You're right about that first week of NC, it's the worst.

I am just blown away by my response to this day. I know it's psychosymatic, but I've got butterflies in my stomach just like I used to get when I was expecting a call from him. There's no reason for me to assume he ever wants to talk to me again. Why is this such a bad day?

If I can get through one more hour, I'm outta here for home, hubby and son. I have to suck it up and stop this pinwheel of thoughts in my head.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 6:26pm

Shel,

Oh yeah - I remember EXACTLY how that felt!! In fact, I spent the whole day promising myself that NO MATTER WHAT I would not call him that day...then, in a split second of weakness, I caved! I felt like such a loser!!

One more hour is nothing (we must be on the same time zone - I'm leaving in a hour too) - if you made it all day, you can make it one more hour!

STAY STRONG!!! You'll be happy you did!

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 3:39am

Dear shel - your critical day is probably over by now (I get confused with time zones) and I really hope you made it through with NC!

A couple of weeks ago, it was my ExA's birthday, and I had just the hard time you had - I also hadn't expected it to be so hard...

I got through OK and kept NC, and I want to tell you that it gets easier again as soon as this day is over! You continue on the right, good road you were on before this day, you'll just feel like you had a stone in your shoe for a while and simply threw it out.

If you cave, you'll have to start all over from the beginning - and this gets harder and more humiliating every time you have to do it. I hope you didn't/don't.

Make it easy on yourself, be good to yourself. Think the birthday thoughts you have for him on your own, in a private space, maybewrite them down - and then throw the letter, take a deep breath and move on. You'll feel so much better the day after, I promise.

All the best,
M.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 9:15am

Thanks for the thoughts. I made it through, but I did indulge in calling his voicemail long after he had left for the day. Just hearing his voice was punishment enough.

I'm just so tired of all this. I am tired of his shadow over me. I'm tired of dreaming about him and missing him. I'm tired of the disappointment I feel in myself and my choices, and how that has tainted my life with my husband. I'm tired of the sadness.

I need something. It's not my xMM, and I can't figure out what it is. But I need somthing to change, or I feel that I'm going to snap.

I noticed that another poster on this board told her husband even though the affair is over and done. I seriously contemplate that more often lately, especially when I'm snapping at my H. for doing something benign like leaving his shoes on the floor of the closet instead of putting them in the shoe rack. He doesn't deserve that, and I can't explain to him why I'm feeling depressed and sensitive without telling him all.

I just don't know what to think anymore. I didn't go the therapy route because we simply can't pay for it, but I'm going to have to talk to someone else soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 10:23pm

Shel -

It's like we're writing the same pages in a book! I feel the EXACT same way. I know I can't tell my H though because he would divorce me for sure...something I should have considered before my A got started.

Anyway, I started counseling today. I truly hope it will help me to overcome the pain I feel for what I have done and help me to move on....I'll pass along anything I learn :-)

Diva