Be careful what you wish for...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2010
Be careful what you wish for...
23
Wed, 04-14-2010 - 5:14am

He sent me a text. A very simple one saying "How are you? I've been worried about you."

Okay, for starters...this is what I have wanted for the last 39 days. To know that he was thinking about me. That I wasn't completely forgotten. But now...now I am torn. I shouldn't respond. I won't respond. I have control over that. Its seem to be the only thing I have control over these days. But now I am hurting because I am hurting him, if that makes any sense. I don't want to leave him hanging. And I want so badly to know how he is doing. There were no goodbyes for us. The last thing he said to me was "I'll talk to you tonight". I came home, saw the look on my husbands face and knew that he knew everything. My husband called his wife and that was that. It was done.

My heart breaks for this man that I cared so deeply about. Because I know that he is going to be feeling the same way I have been feeling for the last month. He is going to think that I didn't care. That I don't care enough about him to wonder how he is doing, when the truth is I care way too much. I can't do that to my husband though. I owe him more then that. He has been so good to me and I don't ever want to see that look of complete and utter hurt on his face again. I got what I wanted, only to find out it isn't really what I wanted. Somebody please tell me that I am making the right decision. That I definitely shouldn't contact him. I have been going over and over this in my head for the last 15 hours. I even made a list of pros and cons. The cons definitely outweigh the pros, but I am still fighting myself over this. I feel like I just took 5 huge steps back. Yet, I didn't even do anything. I can't sleep. Its 2am here and I have to get up in 4 hours...I need sleep.

Oh, one more thing. I promised my husband that if he ever tried to contact me that I would tell him immediately. I didn't. I don't see the point. I am not going to respond. My cell phone carrier does not keep a list of the text messages sent or received so there is no way for him to find out. If I told him he would call xAPs wife. What is the sense in that? I told a friend about this and she said I should tell my husband because there should be no secrets between us. I don't see the point in hurting xAP anymore. I think I should just delete it and let it be done. Any opinions?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2010
Wed, 04-14-2010 - 5:57am

WIWTB


I will get blasted for this reply, but he is obviously hurting as much as you and probably needs a sign from you that it has not all been easy for you either. Out of politeness to him and deference to your past

Life is too Short ... A. since Mar 29th 2009

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Wed, 04-14-2010 - 8:20am

WHOA WHOA WHOA.... No way... Absolutely do not contact him. That is a classic fishing attempt. If you've read hear enough, you know that. You cannot respond and you have given the most compelling reason I can think of... You cannot do that to your H. Think how he'd feel if he found out. Do you want to risk that? Doesn't your H deserve more? He has to be your #1 priority now. If you want to rebuild the trust in your marriage you have to block and walk completely.

You don't have to consider xap's feelings. No matter what you two had, it is over and you each have to grieve the ending in your own way. You absolutely cannot let him hinder your healing because he may be hurting. You are hurting too, but it's your hurting and you have to deal with it just as he has to deal with his. I think it would be a grave mistake to respond. You are not yet out of the fog completely and you don't want that door left open even a crack. NC= no new hurts. Keep the past in the past and move forward.

Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
Wed, 04-14-2010 - 9:10am

Who:


Let me preface by saying I completely agree with Jane.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Wed, 04-14-2010 - 9:31am

I agree with Jane and kmg. Do not contact him. It will set you back. You cannot worry about him any more. I know that's easier said than done, but it just takes time and willpower--which you have.


As far as telling your H, if you promised him you would let him know if xap contacted you, then I would tell him. If you are truly intent on repairing your M, you have to be honest, especially since this subject has already been broached.

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Wed, 04-14-2010 - 9:33am
Out of respect for you H, and, more importantly, yourself, just let it go. My xap would send the same kinds of messages and I would respond and then not hear from him for weeks only leaving me more devastated. They get their "feel goods", "power", "ego stroked" and then move on. While you're left wondering and anxiety ridden. You have come this far, keep going. Change your thought process. Remember, if he wanted you, he would have left his W for you. He only wants his cake. Move forward with your head held high, with your dignity in tact (what's left of it). Understand the blessing that your DH is giving you another chance. Understand that your xap's W is a woman just like you and she doesn't deserve this. We are all here for you WIWTB. Try to emulate your moniker!!!
Love, AAI
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Wed, 04-14-2010 - 9:43am

If you listen to happy you are going to be right back in the A where you obviously don't want to be. Your xap's well being is the responsiblity of his W. He has a W to make sure he is OK and you have a H whom you have hurt long enough. You are again hiding information from your H who loved you enough to stand by you after you hurt him worse than you can ever imagine. You are yet deceiving him and lying to him which is not fair to him. You don't owe him anything. Whether he is hurting or not is not your concern. He has decided to commit himself to his M and that means no more mistress or women on the side. His W and your H deserve honesty and loyalty.


Tell your H about the text and quit telling yourself the same lies you told yourself which kept you in the A. Your H deserves to know. His W deserves to know, unless your H and his W want an open M.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Wed, 04-14-2010 - 9:57am

Hi, Whoiwanttobe.
I'm so sorry your in pain right now. Considering where you are in your healing process, your feelings are totally understandable. However, where you are in your healing process is not where you want to be - you want to _move forward_; responding to this text will set you back. Not responding is the key to taking the next step down the road to feeling better. Trust me in that.

Regarding your promise to your husband to tell him if xAP contacted you. You promised. You must tell him. Now, and from now on, is the time for complete honesty. Perhaps if you tell your husband that you're not responding because you want to focus only on your own situation, H will understand and not feel the need to do the opposite by contacting xAP's wife. You need to shut the door to xAP forever, and H needs to do the same, if he can. "NC=no new hurts" applies to him, as well. I hope he'll accept that.

Congratulations on making it this far and keep up the good work!
Best,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 04-14-2010 - 10:16am

Who you want to be?

The woman who doesn't respond to this text
and tells her husband.

If your husband calls his W, so be it -
consequences for our choices.

The consequences of my choices? - The burning of each opportunity I had for doing the right thing by telling the Truth, but chose instead to protect my xAP from his W - so my H moved out, we now share our heartbroken children and are in financial ruin.

I hope you make the right choice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Wed, 04-14-2010 - 11:27am

Who,


DO NOT RESPOND!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 04-14-2010 - 12:21pm

<< "How are you? I've been worried about you.">>>


Forgive me rolling my eyes, but come on...It took him 39 days to come up with this? I wonder what he'll be writing 39 days from now? Look, you got your long awaited txt message, now block him from your cell phone if possible, and make this the end of the story.....oh, one more thing.....


Tell your H about it. A promise is a promise. You know darn well where your loyalties now lie, so start proving it. If you want to build trust again with your H, don't hesitate another moment. Tell him. You didn't do anything wrong. XMM is the one who crossed the line again!


Enuff said,

   ~Iddy~ 


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