Be careful what you wish for...
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| Wed, 04-14-2010 - 5:14am |
He sent me a text. A very simple one saying "How are you? I've been worried about you."
Okay, for starters...this is what I have wanted for the last 39 days. To know that he was thinking about me. That I wasn't completely forgotten. But now...now I am torn. I shouldn't respond. I won't respond. I have control over that. Its seem to be the only thing I have control over these days. But now I am hurting because I am hurting him, if that makes any sense. I don't want to leave him hanging. And I want so badly to know how he is doing. There were no goodbyes for us. The last thing he said to me was "I'll talk to you tonight". I came home, saw the look on my husbands face and knew that he knew everything. My husband called his wife and that was that. It was done.
My heart breaks for this man that I cared so deeply about. Because I know that he is going to be feeling the same way I have been feeling for the last month. He is going to think that I didn't care. That I don't care enough about him to wonder how he is doing, when the truth is I care way too much. I can't do that to my husband though. I owe him more then that. He has been so good to me and I don't ever want to see that look of complete and utter hurt on his face again. I got what I wanted, only to find out it isn't really what I wanted. Somebody please tell me that I am making the right decision. That I definitely shouldn't contact him. I have been going over and over this in my head for the last 15 hours. I even made a list of pros and cons. The cons definitely outweigh the pros, but I am still fighting myself over this. I feel like I just took 5 huge steps back. Yet, I didn't even do anything. I can't sleep. Its 2am here and I have to get up in 4 hours...I need sleep.
Oh, one more thing. I promised my husband that if he ever tried to contact me that I would tell him immediately. I didn't. I don't see the point. I am not going to respond. My cell phone carrier does not keep a list of the text messages sent or received so there is no way for him to find out. If I told him he would call xAPs wife. What is the sense in that? I told a friend about this and she said I should tell my husband because there should be no secrets between us. I don't see the point in hurting xAP anymore. I think I should just delete it and let it be done. Any opinions?

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Thank you ladies for your responses. I knew what I needed to do I guess I just wanted to hear it from someone else. I am so glad I have this board.
I did tell my husband. I told him when he called me from work today. He left work and came home. I thought it would make him happy that I was being so honest with him, but he got angry. And then sad. He was angry because it took me so long to tell him. He asked me why I felt that I owed this guy more then I owed my own husband. I told him that I don't owe xMM anything, but I owe him everything. He then told me to start acting like it. Point taken.
Then he said he felt like he needed to let his wife know (which I knew would happen). He had promised her that he would let her know if he found out any additional information or he tried to contact me. And he pointed out that he was a man of his word. That stung a bit. He left the room to call her. They were only on the phone for a few minutes. He came and sat down on the couch beside me and started crying. My husband does not cry often. I asked him what was wrong and he told me to give him a minute. A few minutes later he looked at me and said "They're separated". He begged me to please not do this to our family again. He said he couldn't take anymore lies. He said the fate of our marriage lies in my hands. That if I so much as say hey to xMM he is gone. He wants to do everything he can to work on our marriage, but he won't stand for that. He thanked me for telling him.
He hasn't told any of our friends or family. I have told a couple of my closest friends. He says that I am not that person that I was in the affair and if he thought I was that he wouldn't still be here.
I didn't have to block him. My husband did that for me. He blocked all texts from his number. He even went as far as calling our carrier and paying the extra money to block calls from his number. He blocked him on Facebook too.
So that is why he contacted me. Not because he was worried about me, but because he is lonely.
who,
Perhaps your xAP was fishing, waiting for you to respond so he could tell you he was separated from his wife. I can't help but wonder if he thought that news might matter to you. In the end you did the right thing, you stayed true to your promise to your husband. My best to you as go down this path of healing.
Hi- Your DH sounds so much like mine. You need to do all you can to make him feel like #1. My H has broken down a couple times and always says, "How can I go on thinking I was your second choice?" So I have made it my mission to make him feel like he is my first choice... my only choice. I talk openly about the A when he wants to, but mostly I devote all of my attention to him, which I haven't done in a long time. You did the right thing. What you did showed amazing strength. Your H is right- you are not the person inside the A. None of us are... and once we get out of the fog, we start to recapture the person we were... strike that, we are better than we were because we've trudged through the muck and emerged on the other side with a new understanding of ourselves.
Consider yourself one of the lucky ones. Take refuge in the love of your H and you will get through this. All you've said mirrors what I have gone through. He's blocked in every way now, so you can truly move forward. Remember, NC= no new hurts, and time will heal you and your M if that is what you want.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Sorry I am late for the party and my advice doesn't really matter now - I think you should've ignored your xap text and shouldn't tell your husband. What's the point of hurting him? He left work in distress, he could've gotten in car accident on his way home. Now you saw him totally heart broken and crying, because he is hurt, he doesn't trust you and is scared you will go back to affair.
But the worst part of you telling him is that in a weird way you've made a contact with xap as you know about his home current situation. Now you'll be second guessing yourself and wondering why did he try to contact you - maybe to tell you that he still loves you and is available for you now. That's the worst part.
I may get stoned for that, but I am against that policy of radical honesty. No need to twist the knife, in my opinion.
Oh, but Gone... the H doesn't trust her and the only way to rebuild that trust is to be honest and keep her word. no? H has the right to be allowed to make his own decisions and not be further manipulated, even if - as you say - it would be to 'protect' him from being hurt.
I don't agree with you that the worst part is that contact was made with xAP -- I think that H realizing that xAP and his BS are splitting and that he does NOT want that to happen to him and his wife is a blessing in disguise!
This is not radical honesty; it's just honesty. And allowing people to make choices based in reality and not deception.
Gone, I can tell you from the experience I had with my first husband that being told, "yah, I lied... but I did it for YOU, baby" does NOT fly. It's humiliating and hurtful. Allowing people to be free and make up their minds sans deceit is the ONLY way to build a true and lasting relationship.
btw, I'm all out of stones... I used them all on myself over the last five months.
xo
Dee
Hey Dee...glad you're back. And trust me, I'm out of stones either:)
I just know I wouldn't tell. To see my husband crying over one sentence pathetic text from some desperate xap...no way. Maybe I am odd, but some things I will take to my grave. Amen:)
XOXO
Gone
Thanks again ladies. This board is full of very wise women. We all have different opinions, none of them wrong. They are just that, opinions. I think its great that we can share them here and try to help one another. For those of you that suggested I not tell my husband don't think that I didn't read and put thought into what you were saying. Believe me, I did. I thought about both sides, but I had to do what I thought was best for my situation. We can get advice, but ultimately we have to decide for ourselves.
I kind of feel like I am starting over again. Before today I knew that I would not contact him for any reason. He was working on his marriage and I was working on mine. But now he has cracked the door.
My DH was so sweet to me tonight. Tonight was my yoga night. Normally after class I call my husband to ask him what he wants me to pick up for dinner on my way home. Tonight when I called he told me to just come home and we would find something. I get home and he has made this beautiful meal, complete with flowers on the table. He had feed our son and had him watching a movie in the den. So we got to enjoy a nice dinner together. While we were eating he said he was sorry. Sorry for acting the way he did this afternoon. He said instead of doubting me he should have been praising me for telling him and not contacting xAP. What? HE apologized to me? I almost fell out of my chair. I think he feels like he is fighting for me. I want to let him know that he has won. That I am his. That this is where I want to be, but at the same time I can't quit thinking about this OM. He also told me that, although he didn't want to be, he was scared that since xAP opened the door for communication that I would walk through it. He said that he knows that I have been hurting and wanting to know how xAP was doing. I didn't know what to say to this because it is all true. I have thought about it a lot. Instead of reassuring him that I wouldn't contact him I simply said "I want our marriage to work. I love you". He just smiled at me.
It would take a really stupid person (myself) to not just let this go and focus on my family. So why am I even still thinking about contacting him? What does he have to offer me? Nothing compared to what my husband gives me. I guess I am just naive enough to believe that we could be friends. Logically I know we can't. I am just waiting for my heart to catch up to my brain.
I am rambling, but I do want to say that you ladies are so amazing and strong. I gain strength from your strength. I hope to one day be able to group myself with you all. Thanks for listening.
Whoiwantobe,
You are fresh out of your A.
Listen to Jane, kmg and actingasif, who put it so eloquently below:
Your moniker says it all "whoiwanttobe"...so go look in the mirror...then block and walk.
xoxo (I've been there and know how you are feeling),
Misty
Whoiwanttobe<
Sorry, I didn't read through all the posts before I responded. so my response was too late. I'm glad you didn't contact xAP. It sounds like too much damage has already been done. Good for you for doing the right thing, and telling us about it.
Misty
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