been tough today..
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| Sun, 01-10-2010 - 7:51pm |
Been so tough today.. Have a clean house to show for it LOL. I am trying so hard to not think about him. I actually had this crazy thought of calling. Ya I know. Crazy crazy crazy. I just checked my messages and my XAP's friend sent me a message. In a nutshell he was telling me that everything is ok and he will always be there for (XAP's name) than he apologized to me. Thing is I didn't ask about XAP he just volunteered this information. It was a casual conversation saying hello which he initiated. I did respond to his friend saying Oh good to here you are ok. Thats all. Didnt want to talk about XAP!
I than thought oh no he knows. This is something I dont want anybody to know about. I know this all sounds silly and it does feel like I am back in highschool even just talking about this. But that message peeved me. I won't call. I just posted here instead. Now that I gave myself a couple of minutes to get myself together I thought i was only making an excuse to call. Oh I was going to call because I was going to ask what his friend knows. Just an excuse but really "WHO CARES"
I know it sounds amateur. I had to get this out! Im just hyper-sensitive right now.
--Shawn Alexander

I believe,
So happy you came here today...today has been soooooo tough for me today. I had impulses to break NC. My sis is going thru some serious stuff and her pain is seeping over to me and i am reminded of just how painful men can be. i know women can be too...just have a bad attitude towards mm as of late.
I struggled all day...my sister drained me and I have no strength for me. I feel I have to be there for her. She has held me up over the years. I am soooo tired and drained.
U see. I like you, want to call, vent, say all the things that have been inside me for over 5 weeks now. And my exAP has not fished at all..talk about wanting some validation...I wanted it from him so bad. I thought I was special and different because I did not know he was married, I thought that was real, it was real to me only tho, and now I know what I lie it ALL was.
I was doing so well for so long....I am hoping this just blows over and this is just a minor setback, I am hopping and praying my sister has simply drained me temporarily and that I will be fine.
I also realize, I am bored, I am lonely. I do not like being alone, never have. But this is a learning experience. I have been alone before. For extended periods of time. I just do not like it, it not a man I need. just my sis or a female friend etc...companionship.
I miss that, just someone to talk to, I do not think it is necessarily exAP. Just someone to hang out with, go to a movie with, get lunch, etc...
happy u got a clean house...
Ignore friend of exAP....and I am a little confused about your post, you had a message, but then a conversation? clear that up if you care to...then maybe I would change my advice about ignoring friend of exAP...
Today i wanted to tell exAp so many things...I wanted to vent. BUT, I let him occupy too much of my day. I need to evict him from my brain...30 days notice is past due...lol
I have smiled more and overall, I am better but today is especially tough. I had too much time on my hands, I need to grab a mop and get to cleanin like you...maybe i can vent to myself all night and day
hugs to you and so happy u did not break NC....u r making progress and not acting on your impulses. So happy for you. Really. I was concerned when i saw your post and was so happy to read you held your own.
Keep it up and I am here if you need me, we all are
No it was all in message.
You are awesome to find the strength to help your sister. It must be so draining though. That is why we are here. Not in person but we are here. You are not alone.
You have been doing so well in your journey. Dont stop. You have given me hope to stop my insanity. I am just like you in so many ways. I have broken NC many many times as you know and it made things worst. It doesnt change anything it is what it is. It is still hard for me to swallow but I have no choice. I do.. I have to choose me.
Really if you think about it. And I have MANY times. Even the good times I had with XAP dont make up for all the heartache I now endure. I just wish I thought like this during my weak moments. I just wish for my fantasy to come true. Almost like a fairytale coming to life. But we all know that it cannot. Not with him. Or yours. They are liars and cheaters and all they wanted was to please themselves. Wouldnt it be nice to have a man that will want you all of you all of the time. Want to tell everyone .. that is my girl :). I dont want to be a secret. Secrets are so dirty. In time I started to feel like a dirty secret. It was awful.. Try to be alone to sort things out and when you get better and you will your positive light will shine through. I am not interested what so ever in a R right now. I have alot of work ahead of me. I am broken and cant stop crying 90% of the time.
Please dont give up. I will do my best as well. I have given up so many times in my weakness and it only made me weaker.
Sending cyber hugs your way!!! Watch out its a big and tight one :)
--Shawn Alexander
I believe,
it amazes me, how we probably genuinely care about one another way more than either of our MM ever did for either of us. thanks for your response. I can go to bed tonight thinking, someone cares about me, someone is feeling like me, and we will get thru this. It may hurt but it will heal too. Happy you sent me that message tonight. I needed the hug. Tomorrow is Monday, new day, back to my raw determination and licking this thang.
Good to know I am not alone, thx cyber buddy. let me know how you are tomorrow.
I will likely be posting a lot....i need to stay on here as my impulses and urges are strong. so i will be around...hopefully with regained strength
Try to sleep well tonight. I find if I stay up late which I have done. The more tired I get the more stronger the impulse. I am not sure if you are into reading. I know I turn to a good book when my mind refuses to stop LOL. Im a HUGE fan of Mitch Albom "Tuesdays with Morrie" good read and it is a true story.. I think you would enjoy it.
You are so strong. I know you are. I have read your posts and I know they are genuine. I am too familiar with the weaker days. I have been having more of those these days LOL. But if we stick to this plan. Just Imagine. FREEEE!!!! I am starting to feel so much better now that I am getting this out! You are making a difference just know that your words that you have written are making a difference.
Talk to you tomorrow. It is a new day. A day closer to personal freedom.
--Shawn Alexander