Been a while

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Been a while
11
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 1:30pm
I posted here back in April and finally had the courage to tell MM no more contact. We had been involved for almost two years now. He had moved back with his W when he lost his job (they live in another state, he was living in my state for work). I don't know how strong I can be with this. I only told him yesterday about no more contact and have been reading posts from those who have been doing this for some time and I must say that your strength is so commendable. I am fighting the urge to send some little "how are you doing" note and decided to post here instead. I still wonder what got me involved in this situation to begin with? I am not a weak person and never imagined that I would be involved with someone who was married. Got all the lines too.... financial reasons, loveless marriage, more like friends than husband and wife, etc., etc., etc. I have called myself more names than I ever thought I could think of and it has to stop. I need to find the strength to stick with this. Funny thing is, I am single and have been seeing a single man for a year of this whole mess. I have kept the single man at arm's length for fear of getting too involved with him, thus, losing the MM and he has been a saint in his patience with me. Does that make sense???? Also got tired of the guilt trips the MM was laying on me. How heartless I am, how I strung him along, etc.

I know I am rambling, but I am resisting sending him a note. Thank you for your patience in reading this and any words of encouragement would be most appreciated.

So tired of it all.....

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Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: i_am_tired
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 3:08pm
I'm so so tired too.....but I keep going ...every day....

You made a decision and that alone was a big step. Be proud of yourself. NC is no picnic...I have tried it so many times before this past one. Not sending the note or making the harmless phone call is so difficult...sometimes impossible. Please try. It does get easier, I promise. I was so addicted to OM and how he made me feel...I swore that i loved him more then Ihave ever loved anyone....if I could get through three weeks of NC then you can too..anyone can.

hugs

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
In reply to: i_am_tired
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 4:58pm
Thank you so much for your response. Still very much on edge and resisting the temptation to call, message, email, anything. I know one day at a time, but sometimes it is one minute at a time. Fortunately, he has respected my wish and has made no attempt to contact me. In the past, I have asked for no contact, but he would continue and I always responded. What is it about these situations that make it so hard to leave? I know I will be better off in the long run. He needs to decide whether or not to divorce, then proceed with that. I told him to contact me when he is available for a 100% above-board relationship.

One day almost down.... going for two....

Thank you for your support!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: i_am_tired
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 6:00pm

Hi there...


I'm a little perplexed by the comments from xMM:


Strung him along? How heartless you are?


Towards whom, the MM or the single guy. If directed to you about MM, Puh-lease....he went back to his wife after working in your state. Job ended, he went. If directed to you about single guy, eh, not really strung or heartless, either. I think it was more about keeping your options open to see if MM had the wherewithal to do the right thing by both women (W and U) and end the split life while you, being single, chose to continue to date single men. Your thoughts and concerns about getting too close in a relationship are something, IMO, that are best worked through as you are doing, through dating and learning about yourself in context with single dates. That you choose to keep men at arm's length (and therefore choose a MM rather than single man for primary relationship) is another issue of concern for you in the near future.


My final 2 cents is to say to you to post here on the board and "babble" as you put it to your hearts' content rather than breaking your NC commitment. The urge to email begins to pass as you heal and regain

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
In reply to: i_am_tired
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 6:26pm
In my rambling earlier, I may not have been too clear. MM says that I string him along by continuing to see a single man and talk to him (the MM). Says I give him false hope. Also, accuses me of being heartless because I choose to go out occasionally rather sit at home pining. I cannot begin to say how many times I asked him if/when he plans on divorcing. Never gave an ultimatum, but I did ask if he was, at least, thinking about it. Was always put off with... the W was not feeling good, he was not feeling good, was not a good time of the year to discuss it, when he did tell his W that he wanted a divorce, she fell apart, etc. There were always excuses. He lived in my state for over 3 years and I was involved with him for 22 months of that time. I did not know, initially, that he was married. When he went back "home", I assumed he stayed with relatives. When I discovered that he was married, I should have run and run fast, but I was hooked by then. Then, the roller coaster began. This is a ride that I never wished to take and I am getting off of. MM lost his job and therefore, the place he was living here. He says that because I was seeing someone else, he had no choice but to move back to his other "home". Claims his W suspects and has found evidence of someone else (a picture, a note, restaurant receipts). MM was not careful at all in covering his tracks and his W could easily find out all about me if she wanted to. I feel so horrible at having hurt someone that I don't even know. She is not an evil person and he never portrayed her as such. He always said they were better as friends than husband and wife (and how many times have others heard that line?). This whole thing just got so out of control. I have not been sleeping, my eating habits are all messed up, I stopped exercising. I MUST take back control of my life.

I truly appreciate the male perspective on this. I hope I am not too confusing in what I say, but my mind is racing a mile a minute here and I am typing as I think. I feel empowered by having a group that I can turn to for support. My next step is to put a block on my email and messenger, but I have not had the strength to do that yet.

I was afraid to continue posting earlier, but I have made it through the day with NC. In fact, I had a hang up phone call a few minutes ago. He tends to do that for whatever the reasons, but if he calls and tries to talk, I will cut off the conversation fast. I don't want to have to change my phone numbers.

Thank you for the opportunity to come here and vent while the feeling of wanting to reach him passes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: i_am_tired
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 7:11pm

I think your MM, now x-MM is a controlling fence sitting cake-eater who is jealous of your single status and is trying to bully you into being available only to him.


Well, if that's what he wants, then I say PAY for it. Pay all the expenses and insurance and out of pocket costs that go with being available to someone on an as-needed where-needed basis.. Otherwise, SHUT UP MM. You DON'T own her, you're her abuser......


RUN, do not walk, AWAY from this LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!


You have given him all the rope he has needed to hang himself on his own lies and insecurities.


ANd no, I won't tone down my assessment of him.


I did it too. Only difference was I made it clear I wasn't leaving my marriage anytime soon. At least that's what I did for the first 14 years of affairs. The last affair with x-OW did cover all the reasons why I "couldn't leave now" baloney. Well, fast forward a few more years...I DID leave my 1st marriage. Without ANY guarantees from x-OW because she had already "left the building".

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
In reply to: i_am_tired
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 8:44pm
Wow, you tell it like it is and boy, I do appreciate it! Thank you for not glossing anything over. You are right. I had told him, many times, that if he was that miserable in his marriage, then he would end it, regardless of the financial woes or any other stuff that may accompany ending it. When I went through my divorce (over 3 years ago), my entire financial status changed and it was a change I was willing to make and accept. My standard of living went from one of, what some would consider, luxury, to living in small house and barely making ends meet. I overcame the ending of my own marriage and became what I thought was a stronger person and was coasting along just fine until I met MM. I will keep coming here and reading and posting. I do feel stronger than I did earlier and, as of this moment, I don't care to try and reach out. In fact, had another call. The person did not hang up... I did. I know it was him (no caller ID though).

Thank you so much for being straight with me. It has given me strength to at least get through until tomorrow...

Stay tuned... I will do my best to make sure this stays ended.

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: i_am_tired
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 9:20pm
Well I dont know about anyone else that has been reading all this discussion between you and nre, but it was good for me and I can use a smoke!

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
In reply to: i_am_tired
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 11:22pm
Don't do it. NC, NC, NC! This is best. Anytime you feel like talking to him call the other man. occupy yourself with other things. read the post here we are all in the same boat one way or another. It all equals hearbreak from these affairs. The NC is very hard and you can ask those who have done it awhile they still struggle days but the other days with NC they feel strong for being able to do the NC. You can do it.

Good luck

Cali~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
In reply to: i_am_tired
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 1:36am
My advice is, whenever you feel like calling or E-mailing him, come to this board instead! I truly believe, if not for the great people here, I would have broken NC a long time ago (it has been 5 weeks for me today!). I honestly never thought I could come this far, but here I am. It definitely hasn't been easy, but I know it is for the best. I keep remembering the last time I called xMM....the yelling, crying, and hurtful words that were spoken (by both of us), and I know I don't want to go there again. Stay strong -- you can do it! (=
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: i_am_tired
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 3:03am
It's a very hard thing to go through. Don't give yourself such a hard time. Go easy on yourself. Sounds like you should concentrate on the single man. If he's been patient with you for a year he must care about you. As far as the married man goes? You deserve better. While he may love you very much, it doesn't seem like he's willing to walk the walk, know what I mean?

Nothing keeps a man away from the woman he loves ...

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