Been a while, back, LONG, letter and mor

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Been a while, back, LONG, letter and mor
4
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 9:43am

Boy, It's been a few months and I see lots of new names. Not everyone knows my story, but I know Free and some others are still out there. For you who don't know or remember me, a quick recap. Had an intense emotional and physical affair with a good friends H. We purposefully had her find out through his cell phone bill so she would confront him and that would start the procedures of him leaving her. Packed his bags, called me the next morning and said he was on his way. Never made it back to me. We were on and off for a few more months after that, but nothing was the same. It's now been officially over for quite some time and I've pretty much been over the situation. Or so I thought!

Something happened the other day that triggered some major emotions in me to rise back to the surface. I saw them together, driving in the car and they both just stared at me as they drove past. I could understand that from her, but I was furious that he didn't even acknowledge me. I see him on the road all the time and though things have been over, he still flashes me the I love you sign once in awhile or at least waves. I'm sure it was out of respect for her, but it still angered me. I really never went through all the stages you go through to get over a loss. I think I'm feeling the anger I never felt.

Then there's this 2nd weird emotion I felt. When I looked in their car adn saw them both, I missed HER!! My old good friend, not HIM!! I remember saying a while back how i never really felt guilty about this, if people knew how we felt about eachother the universe would understand and our reasons behind the betrayal would be justified. How ridiculous looking back now. Now, I'm completely filled with guilt!! Regret!! Sorrow!! And hurt over losing my friend. It wasn't worth it!!! Though I still think he is a decent human being, He definately wasn't worth all that I lost, or that her family lost through this. I've written her a letter and really want to send it. It will be up to her to forgive (which isn't likely) or just tell me to F**** off,which I will understand but I feel I owe it to her. Please tell me what you think.

Dear X,
I'm sure I'm the very last person you ever wanted to hear from and I don't blame you if you trash this letter before you even read it. I'm hoping that by sending this i'm not digging up emotions from this situation that you've long since buried. The last thing I want to do is cause you anymore hurt than I already have. I'm writing this letter becasue I owe you an apology. Actually, I owe you so much more. There's not one thing I can say that will justify the actions that I have taken. No matter how I thought I felt about him, I had no right to go there with someone who never belonged to me. I stole so much from you and your family and I'll never be able to give it back or make it right again. I am so incredibly sorry. I hope you know that I never intentionally set out to screw you over. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but in the midst of things, I managed to put you out of my mind. My judgement was severely clouded. I'm not trying to make excuses for my behavior, I am truly repulsed at myself for doing this to someone who was such a good friend to me, also someone who supported me through my own experience with this. I know the pain it causes. I don't know what I was thinking. I look back now and see so many ways this should've been avoided. I have so much regret. I know you will never forgive me, I could never even ask you to, but I couldn't find peace in my heart without letting you know how deeply sorry I am. I hope all the broken pieces of this mess that I caused have mended back together, and that things are how they should be. I miss my friend, and I'm sorry I lost her! Take Care!

I think I'm sending it, but I would like your input anyway. Will it make a difference?? It's the truth fom the bottom of my heart!! I've learned my lesson, and will NEVER be caught up in this mess again.

Thanks for reading, especially to those who know me from here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 11:19am
Pal, It is a very nice letter. She may not forgive you but I believe that it will make both of you feel better. If she doesn't appreciate the letter then it is her loss. Best of luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 12:48pm
Hey there..
I don't know you- and I think your intentions are wonderful. But I'm pretty sure she won't be able to maintain a friendship with you. I don't think that I could if it were me who's friend was with my dh. I'd have a really hard time ever enjoying their company again. You deserve good friends..and maybe you just need to find some things and ways that would help you meet even more good friends. I just don't think that this woman is going to embrace your friendship again..JMO
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 4:38pm

Hi Lea,

I know that she could never be my friend again. I don't expect that or even know if I, myself could even handle that. It would all just be too weird for everyone involved. But I don't want her to go through life saying "she never even apologized to me." I AM sorry for hurting her and losing her, but I know we will never have a friendship again. I have several friends who know this situation and supported me as much as they could. I don't lack friends so I'm not lonely or anything. It's just sad when you lose one, and rightfully so.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 5:47pm

Pal

I like the letter but would suggest cleaning up the screwed over part a bit, I cannot speak for a B/S but I think a heart felt I AM SORRY has a chance at being recieved and may help HER to recover.

Nice to see that your regaining real world thinking (guilt/regret...missing your friend) hard stuff to take but a good sign.

Free