The beginning of the end (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
The beginning of the end (long)
3
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 11:56am
Hi everyone,

I was hoping that I wouldn't end up on this board, but here I am (over from the Affair Support Board). Well, I think it may be over for MM and I. Things have been fine, they really have. But, last week he went to the dr. for a checkup. His blood pressure is high, and he has some other things like high cholesterol, etc. He was talking to me about how scared he is because he is concerned about his health. I talked to him about stopping smoking, changing his diet, etc. and how he can change these things in time. I haven’t seen him in two weeks, except for five minutes last week. But, we still talk every day, and chat online on weekends. Yesterday he calls me and tells me that he is concerned about his blood pressure and how it’s high because he has so much stress in his life. He said he thinks we need to “cool it” for a while, so he can get himself healthy again. Now, he wasn’t saying we couldn’t see each other or talk, he just said that the stress of trying to get out and see me and talk to me was too much. I told him that he knew what he was getting into with this. He said he thought he could handle it, but he can’t. Our relationship is very, very intense. Our feelings for each other are very strong. We have been through a lot together and been best friends for a long time. He was basically telling me he wants some time to clear his head, but I took it as things were over between us. He didn’t argue with me… he didn’t say anything to let me think that maybe it wasn’t over. He said he is not sure what he wants anymore. I am devastated. He said he does not want to lose my friendship. I cried all night – I cried like I did when I was a teenager and my boyfriend broke up with me. I sobbed, I was shaking, I can’t sleep or eat. What is wrong with me? I got married so I wouldn’t have to deal with all of this pain anymore. And, I did it to myself.

I told him that I can’t go from this to being just his friend. I just can’t. I did it once before and I can’t do it now. It’s different now. Maybe someday I can be friends with him, but not now. And it’s not like we are friends out in the open anyway. Our spouses don’t know and we never saw eachother socially. So, this would mean that I would never see him again. My heart is just breaking, I don’t know how I am going to get through this. I spoke briefly to him last night but he was working and couldn’t talk. He said he just needs time. And so we talked a little, then I said, well, I will talk to you whenever. He said, come on, I will talk to you tomorrow. So I said, no, you won’t. You want to do this, then just do it. I told him that I want to see how much less stress he has in his life without me. His wife makes him miserable. She does not let him go anywhere and if he DOES go out, she is calling, calling. Most times when he sees me, he says he is working. She puts him down, she acts like she does not care about him. She shows him no affection whatsoever. SHE causes the stress, not me. I do know that this relationship is not easy for either of us, and it’s taken it’s toll on me, and now I am spending a fortune on therapy to deal with it. But, to me, it’s worth it, because of the joy he brings to my life. I am so hurt and insulted that instead of speaking up to HER and making some changes in his home life to alleviate some stress, he chose to cut me out of his life – when he has told me that I am one of the few things that make him happy. I don’t get it.

A few weeks ago, I was having a hard time and I asked him if I could have a day or two to just clear my head. I was overwhelmed with work, home and him… I was having a hard time juggling everything. Well, he just wouldn’t have it. He told me no, he will not stop talking to me every day, and on weekends. He NEEDED to talk to me every day. That night I did not take his calls and the next morning, I got up at 7am, and I already had 3 messages on my phone from him – saying please don’t do this to me, please call me, I need you. So, nothing changed. I never got the time to clear my head. I started therapy to deal with handling everything. But now that HE wants this time, it’s okay. He is being selfish and I feel like an idiot for letting him have such control.

So, I guess we are on indefinite NC for now. He didn’t leave me a message on his way home from work yesterday or on his way in this morning and I am so upset about that. I know, I did tell him I wouldn’t talk to him today. Part of me hopes this will make him realize he does love me and need me in his life. But then, do I really want to go through this again? It’s going end at some point, whether it’s now, a year from now or ten years from now. I can’t feel this pain again. I am just torn apart. I wasn’t going to turn on my cellphone but I am sitting here at work with it on my desk, praying for it to ring. I feel pathetic and sad. I should be glad - glad to not have to worry about when I will see him, when he will call me. Glad that I can maybe recommit to my marriage and my family. Glad that I can focus on work again instead of emailing and calling him all day. I can get my life back. But, all I can think about is how very much I miss him, and how I can’t wait to be in his arms again.

Thanks to anyone who got through this long, blabbering post. I always feel for those of us who have to post something like this – and now it’s me. Anyone who can offer advice on how to get through this time would be appreciated. Thanks for listening!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 3:08pm
HI NYC,

I remember you from the AS board. I don't really have any deep words of wisdom for you or any easy way to deal with the situation, but I wanted you to know that I have found this board very supportive. You will get great feedback and support from everyone here. You know I don't think that any of us wanted to be here when we did but it is for the best in the long run. You will find that complete NC is what everyone suggests and if at all possible it works.

You asked what is wrong with you, NOTHING. The crying, the shaking, the not eating, not sleeping are all things I think many of us have/still do experience from time to time. This is not an easy situtation to deal with because you are trying to deal with it, while still letting the outstide world see everything as "normal".

"Glad that I can maybe recommit to my marriage and my family. Glad that I can focus on work again instead of emailing and calling him all day. I can get my life back. But, all I can think about is how very much I miss him, and how I can’t wait to be in his arms again."

You have to decide what you want right now. Do you want to recommit to your M and family, because if you do NC is the only way to start on that path. To get your life back you have to be proactive and take steps to accomplish what you set up for yourself. I can understand that constantly MM pops into your head and you miss him, I have been NC with xOM for 18 days and as much as it hurts you have to tell yourself it is for the best and you CAN DO IT.

Come here often, read, post whatever helps you thru this. Just know that everyone here is very supportive and even if you get posts that you don't like, tell yourself that these people have BTDT and they are talking from experience. Hang in there and take it hour by hour.

{HUGS}

DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 9:58am
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I can relate to so much in your post! MM ended it, to make a long story short, b/c in his mind it was getting out of hand. We had a slight relapse which was the worst b/c I jumped right back in but now it has been over for two weeks. It has been very hard. I too still get so sad when MM doesn't call me on his way to and from work. I Wait for the cell phone to ring and for him to send me a text message or email. I wonder if he misses me or misses what we had. MM is traveling for work this week and he used to call me all the time and now nothing. I wonder how this can be so easy for him. But then i try to remember he is just honoring the act that we are over. I think it is good that you told him you can't be friends. I havne't been able to do that.

The things that have helped me is tryign to be around friends and family A LOT!! Keeping busy is the best thing for me. I am also seeing a counselor which I highly recommened.

I too try to focus on the fact that I no longer will be waiting for someone else anymore. I can work on myself and my M. It just hasn't all sunk in yet and I am still missing it all.

Hang in there. It has gotten a little better but it is all baby steps!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 10:12am
Thanks everyone for your supportive advice and hugs... I felt myself getting weak last night and wanting to call again, but instead I came online and read the posts and somehow found the strength not to call. I did however, sleep with my cellphone, just in case. Needless to say, it didn't ring and it hasn't yet today. He said he was going to talk to me today, but he hasn't, so of course I am wondering why. Probably busy at work and doesn't want to call when he can't talk. Or maybe he just doesn't want to talk. I feel like I've come a little further than yesterday, so I look forward to getting past this.

Since everything was left so indefinite, I am still kind of in limbo here. Not sure what will be worse, if he decides to end it or if he wants to keep it going. I know I have the right to decide it's over, but I know in my heart that I can't make that choice, I just can't. Even though I never want to feel this pain again.

I did speak to my therapist yesterday and he said if this is what I want to do (end it) then I should stick to it and not contact him at all. I should get through it, and begin healing and then work on my marriage and find other things to make me happy.

I was thiking last night. I don't know if it's so much MM that I miss, or I am missing the attention, affection, desire and intimacy of our relationship. Sad to say I do not have any of these things in my marriage. I think I am just crying and mourning for the loss of the only thing that has made me happy in a long time. Yes, I do love MM, and he loves me. But, we do not want to leave our marriages. So, this was bound to happen. I don't know, I am so confused about this. Sometimes I feel so strong and I feel like I am better off, but then...... then when I start thinking about him, and my heart just breaks.

One day at a time, I suppose. I hope you are all doing well with your baby steps.