at the beginning of my ending

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2011
at the beginning of my ending
26
Fri, 03-11-2011 - 4:54am

Hello

I am at the end, can i share my journey? sorry its such a long post i need to get it out.

The Start

I was newly divorced putting my life together, MM contacts me out of blue, 20yrs ago we had holiday romance, i forgot about him, he never did, had been looking for me all this time, he found me on a social network but did nothing as i said i was happily married, when he saw i was then divorced he contacted me to tell me he had always loved me, always thought about me, and wanted to say the words he never did 20yrs ago. He is married, depressed, unfulfilled, jobless and health issues. His 18yr marrige was solid but mundane with a lack of closeness both sexually and emotionally.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2011
Fri, 03-11-2011 - 8:36pm

first of all THANK YOU all for responding and being so kind and understanding. I am not alone.

I am in the very early phase of NC so its hurting, but i understand why. I deliberately chose the Police option as i knew i would not then be able to break the NC as i have done before. There would be no turning back. It was the only sane choice in the craziness of it all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Fri, 03-11-2011 - 8:48pm
Seven days of NC is a tremendous achievement. Even just getting through the first seven hours can be hard enough! You have done the right thing by seeking therapy and asking a friend for support. Day by day it does get easier, I promise. Come here to post as often as you need to, and be kind and gentle with yourself. There is lots of hard work that needs to be done to understand the choices you made, but right now it's all about maintaining NC and caring for YOU.

Big hugs and warm smiles all the way from Australia

Kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2011
Sat, 03-12-2011 - 10:15am

I won't comment too much about your situation because you are have lived it and already know it has been a roller coaster ride. By the way, have you ever been on one--a roller coaster ride, a real one? You know how you are excited, yet initially afraid? Then you go on it with all of the ups and downs, and as scary as it was you line up to do it all over again, risking it all?

To me that compares so well to an A, and the feeling an A gives you. You just keep coming back for more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2011
Sat, 03-12-2011 - 10:16am

By the way, that should have read Congrats!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2011
Sat, 03-12-2011 - 1:04pm

thanks again to you all.

woke feeling positive and quite happy, felt i had turned a corner.went to work and have come home tired. still feel upbeat ....BUT..... I have just found myself thinking these things.

" if he turns up here all upset saying he misses me, i will slap him in the face then hold him in my arms and we will cry together" ........ " i know he is missing me dreadfully"............." his wife will call me and we will have a heart to heart and i will tell her the truth about her cheating lying spouse and how he cheated and lied to me too, we will become friends"........." he will contact me on my birthday".........." I want to put i am in a new relationship on my FB staus in case he sees it, i want him to think i am happy"......"is he making love to his wife, is he thinking of me? ............."we will meet in the future and it will alll be ok.".................." i want to give him the bracelet i bought him but never got to give him. should i post it?" ..........." should i delete his photos, or will i want to look at them in 5 years time"...........AND LOTS AND LOTS MORE LIKE THAT.........WTF!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sat, 03-12-2011 - 1:29pm

SS,

I can see that you are going to be a challenge for us. Goodness. I read your posts and cringe. OK. so now i am going to act like a vet and tell you that you are really harming yourself with that line of thinking. Those obsessive thoughts.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2011
Sat, 03-12-2011 - 2:19pm
Well that hit the spot. Yes they were just thoughts, and for the record, i was not fantasizing about telling his wife all because i am mad at him. i was just being honest about those fleeting thoughts and trying to make sense of it. what would i do if she called me. Thoughts im sure lots of us have had. thats why i said i needed to watch tv and stop thinking. I know its not healthy. I do not need a personal attack, ( And he was a lying cheating H with you so what does that say about you). telling me what i am thank you. I am guilty of being a cheap wh*** and feel stupid enough without someone rubbing salt in the wound. Of course i want it to be over!! doesnt mean i stopped being in Love or addicted or whatever it is called. thats what im trying to acheive and get help with. I AM in RL therapy too but its early days :(( dont we all have a dark side when we hurt?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2011
Sat, 03-12-2011 - 2:22pm
Cringe?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sat, 03-12-2011 - 3:41pm
Ok. I see that you have been personally offended. Your post did not appear like you were just trying to be honest, it appeared that you were trying to be hurtful when you say a lying cheat.
I could coddle you. But this board and the people on here know that is not my style. I am not rubbing salt in your wound. Please remember this wound is self inflicted. We all did this to ourselves. We made a choice to engage in very unhealthy behavior. To hurt people and families. No one forced us. We did not do it in the name of love, we did it because we were selfish cake eaters. You are taking this personally and should not. I am sorry if my words stung but I am not apologizing for what was said.
You are calling him a lying cheat. I am not calling you a whore. You are reacting….not really thinking it thru. I have done all you have done. I am not a whore. I made some really, really bad choices. Very unhealthy ones. Its like you are saying he is lying cheat and not holding yourself accountable. You need to. He is not only to blame. You both are.

Yeah…I have a dark side and I did some really messed up stuff that hurt my healing. I wanted revenge. I wanted him to want me. And I thought I loved him. I never did. I was not able to. It was all a big lie. So when you call him a liar. We were liars too. We were gluttons for punishment. I am not trying to hurt you. I am trying to wake you up. Its just like an addiction, but the only way to work thru those feelings is to change your line of thinking. You are right, it is early. But that is not an excuse to feel sorry for yourself or engage in negative behavior that is only going to hurt you more. I ask if you want this over because your post said you did not but that the police had now made it so. and that you were unblocking so that you could hear from him.

What are you missing? How he treated you? How he sent you pic and emotionally abused you? What was so great that should be missed? Or would you rather just be in your usual state of toxic chaos that has become so much a part of your every day life that it is somehow safe and peaceful to you?

I know exactly how you feel and I know that you can get thru this provided you do the work. You are still in withdrawals….hang tight. It will get better. With a lot of work, it will. Its not going to be easy and it will take more work than you ever imagined. And those thoughts need to be about you and not about exAP and his W.

Please get past me trying to insult you and really read what I am saying. Trying to snap you out of that delusional thinking.
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Sat, 03-12-2011 - 3:48pm
SS, it's great that you could come here and be so honest about those fleeting thoughts. They are normal, and they will pass, but they won't go on their own. You have to actively redirect, reframe, refocus every time one of those thoughts comes into your head. (Is he making love to his wife? So what if he is. She is his W and that is what M couples do. And more importantly, it doesn't matter. What matters is you and your daughter and the steps you are taking to heal these very deep wounds.)

The tough love from Luvin and others is hard to read at first - I remember thinking "who the hell are you to tell me that my fairy tale wasn't real?" in response to TU's first post - but it comes from a place of compassion and understanding and one day you'll look back and realise that those tough words were the ones that saved you. It's like we're sleepwalking through with a lighted match in our hands setting our lives on fire and someone slaps us across the face or throws a glass of cold water on our face. Do we like it? Hell no. Do we need it? Hell yes.

Stay with us. I know you can do this. You have another day of NC under your belt and you're another day closer to being whole and happy again.

Sunshine and smiles

Kat

PS promise me you'll go and reblock his email right now if you haven't it already? No contact equals no new hurt. Hugs to you honey and strength for a new day.