Being Accountable

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Being Accountable
20
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 8:27am

Yesterday I did something really really stupid. I took all his cards out to shred them, believing that I was done. I stupidly sat and read every one of them and instead of shredding them I tied them up in a fging ribbon and put them back in the box. And now I hurt so much. Im back to crying and white knuckling my way through NC. I thought I had this and all I have done is open myself up to more hurt and pain. Those cards have sat there for 4 months and I wasn't once inclined to read them, I really thought I was going to shred them, and I can't understand why I didn't. All that I do understand is that they are there and next time I go to take another step forward out of this hole, they will be sitting waiting to pull me back. How punitive can one ego be!! I am so angry with myself, I know better than this.

So the reason for my post is to hold myself accountable on here. I have to get rid of them. In my head I have given myself 1 week from today to get rid of all of them. I am so very tired of living this way, I want my life back, I want me back. So I am publicly pledging to get rid of that painful explosive sitting in a box in my office.

 

Sunny Soon Xx

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 8:53am

Hi Sunny

I know what you mean sweetie :.(  Its like the whole A, and whole Ending come to life again - and its horrible.

Last week, My colleagues wanted to show me some pictures of the team building they were one. And I knew my xAP would be on the pictures. I should have stopped myself from looking, but I was mesmerize .... I stared at him in these pictures, thinking - are you over me? Did you hurt? Did you care? Are you missing me? Trying to read between the lines on a frigging picture.... Hello??? Ms Crazy started rearing its ugly head again!  I wish I never did looked. No one forced me - nor did anyone force me to look at them TWICE... but I couldn't stop.

I still feel pretty terrible about it all - but I don't, feel as bad as I did when I ended. I don't feel as bad when I was in the feeling like a desperate looser.

I feel like it will go over, and I know I wont do it again. BURN EM Sunny - or at least shred away... no good comes of them. We are better off without the extra reminders - No more hurts - we have been through enough!

WGO

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 9:52am

Yeh...that really really was kinda stupid (you said it first!)

Do it now...while you are a mess anyway.  Why wait a week?  What 'til you are feeling better...only to end up a mess again?...so it'll be another week before taking your life back?...so it'll be another week before you get you back? You'll make this week one miserable week...thinking constantly about it...about what you ultimately have to do.

C'mon Sunny, honey...just do it...right now. 

((hugs))

Clarity


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 10:32am

I'm with Clarity!  JUST DO IT!

For YOU.  You will feel better.

I burned my journals and cards from him.  It was very empowering.  I must admit that anger was somewhat of a motivating factor.  But still, it worked!

You are a strong, wise woman.  Don't forget that.

And what would a strong, wise woman do in this situation?  Right?

So go for it; don't waste this week.  Do it now.  Take the leap.  I promise you won't "miss" the cards.  And you will feel empowered.

Also, here's a thought that motivated me.  Hope this doesn't sound too morbid!  But,  what if you are in some sort of fatal accident tomorrow?  Who's going to clean out your office?  Who will find those cards?  Uh-oh.  Better get rid of them! Now!

~Sunrise

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2011
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 11:49am
Oh gosh, a week to wait for what? Do it. Now!! Right when you read all of our words!!

I did it. I get it!

You're stronger than you know.

Let's do this thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 11:53am
Im out of the office now but am back in a couple of hours. I shall do it then.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 11:57am
I hit post too soon. You are all right of course I know I have to do it. What is the point of waiting? I will post back when Im done. I feel sick :smileysad:

Sunny xx
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 12:29pm
Good on you Sunny!!! Your doing the right thing. Let go of the things that cause you pain. Hold on tight to the things that need you present and happy.

You are amazing sunny - keep up the fantastic work - you are such a good example to people on this board!

WGO
Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 1:50pm
Sweet Sunny -

I know this is hard, and it makes you feel sick. But you are being proactive - and you are looking ahead, and you are taking care of eliminating the things that can hurt you down the road.

When they are gone - they are gone, and they won't be there waiting to ambush you again.

Hang in there, Sunny - you can do this.

Hugs,

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 3:23pm
It's done, they are gone and thats really all I can say for now. Thanks everyone, I will post tomoro.

Sunny Soon Xx
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 3:29pm

Vomit Into The Toilet ...just in case because you said you were feeling sick.

Good girl, Sunny.  I knew you'd do it...you are too smart to do otherwise.  

Now, go do something nice for yourself today.  

Tomorrow is a new day.

((HUGS))

Clarity


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