Being An Afterthought

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Being An Afterthought
15
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 11:33am
As things become clearer to me--and yes, I think my XMM is a "head case" and has some serious issues, it hurts to know that this A that shook my world is a mere afterthought for him.

I will get over it! I will snap my rubberband on my wrist when i obsess about him; i will say my mantras and prayers. But most of all, i will say to myself: Loving me and being with me is a priveledge and one that XMM no longer deserves.

The hardest times are when the phones go silent--he used to call me mulitple times a day on my three telephones; and when the email is nothing but SPAM! But little by little, those hours of the day, when i used to hear from him, are merely becoming hours in the day now that pass uneventfully. One of these days, i won't look at the clock at 6 p.m. and know he is going to call on his way home from work. It's a process!

I am strong right now. I will be weak again today. (I was weak yetterday and emailed him information on an NCAA Tournament Pool I am organizing--of course, he didn't respond). But I will try again tomorrow. I will come here instead of wanting to talk or write him, We will all be ok.

All my love,

Clarice

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 4:01pm
This is definitely the place to let it all out. I use to hate the ping pong game of being strong one minute and then weak the next.

I may sport the new rubber band braclet, too. I still occasionally think of xmm. I usually have thoughts of telling him off though. I need to still let go of some anger.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 4:20pm
How long did it take you to move into anger?? I'm still so stuck in missing him and remembering all the good. I think it would probably be good if I could get mad at him...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 4:25pm
Take some comfort in knowing that you are probably not as much of an "afterthought" as you think you are! I was feeling the same way, and I have to admit I got A LOT of satisfaction when XOM finally responded to my unfortunate NC lapse. I honestly thought I would never hear from him again, that he had dismissed me, washed his hands clean of the whole thing...

I am also taking some sick satisfaction from the fact that HE admitted he missed me, but I did NOT!!!! :-) That probably sounds awful, huh? Oh well, back to the NC zone I go...

Anyway, hang in there with the rest of us. Let's all break out the rubber bands and the Gloria Gaynor CDs... We will survive!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 5:26pm
I bet it took a good couple of months to go from obsessing over him and still missing him to anger. I'm not angry all the time, but occasionally. We worked together yesterday and that usually sets something off for me. When I see him at work I am so glad that he is not my H. I won't work with him again until next Fri then H and I are off to Hawaii.

I know this upcoming trip bothers xmm a little so he's been acting like a jerk lately. But that is not my problem. I am focused on my H and my marriage and I try to let the rest of it go. I have to take a deep breath and actually say the words, "just let it go" so I don't tell him off. It would be so unproductive, but I bet it would make me feel pretty darn good. For now I take my frustration out on walking and doing pilates. You should see my abs now.

I recently went through the archives and read some of my posts from the fall. I could actually see the progress that I made and it was quite enlightening to see how far I have come. XMM said to me at work yesterday that if we could just take it all back and go to pre-affair it would be so great. I told him that I often feel like it never happened. Denial vs coping and moving on. I don't think he liked my answer. Again, oh well.

Just my thoughts on all of this. Good luck and with time it WILL get better.




Edited 3/18/2004 6:39 pm ET ET by alifechoice

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 9:42pm
Yes, you will be okay!!!!!!! I know how hard it is....when the text messages stopped coming in on my phone and there were no more phone calls it became very lonely. It was like I had become an addict, and i was not getting my fix anymore. I had become dependent on him...dare i say a codependent. I was this smart, level headed accomplished woman and i let myself become dependent on someone that was not worthy of me. A complete loser to boot.....

It makes me happy now to know that he is dying inside over how he treated me and treated hte situation. I'm sure your XMM will do the same, don't kid yourself into thinking that you meant nothing....he is just being a jackass...it is his way of dealing with things that are painful. Very common.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 7:02am
You know, betterchoices, i bounce around between being angry, feeling sorry for myself, feeling sorry for him and then being angry again. It changes all the time. I have had these mix of emotions since last July--but really just anger sinice the last 2 weeks. Oh, i was angry in July and August too, so you see i bounce around a bit.

Sometimes, i'll say to myself when i think of him: you are such a jerk; i am all done with this now; i hate you! And then, sometimes, I will pray for him as i feel sorry for him. He is a mixed up man.

I am all over the place. The worst thing, is our affair ended a while ago, and yes, we tried to stay friends. But that appears to be over now too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 7:09am
Hi maybekatie: the last time XMM and i went through this game of NC, he lasted about 3 weeks and then i did get an email from him reaching out to me in a non-threatening way. We stayed in touch via email and phone afterthat, and then one day, last fall, we wrote me: I Miss You. I wish i could see you. And then later, I love you.

I am positive that i am not out of his mind right now--he just disappears somewhere and i never know where it is. He loves his wife, but apparently, as i've learned, has a problem of being attracted to ALL women--and i know that as he figures this out about himself, he will be very conflicted (he is very catholic and always ridden with guilt). I can't say for sure, if he has any interest in this MO person (don't know if you read my other post), but just the fact that he would say that to me is just cruel and insentive.

I think he plays games, but i know that i was an important person in his life that he will not forget.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 7:17am
I know that i meant a great deal to him. It was very conflicted about our relationship from the beginning. And yes, i do think this is how he deals with things.

once, last fall, he called me very excited to read a personality analysis that had been done on him--as a manager--at the company where he works. He asked me to guess which type he was--and i did, correctly. We always used to laugh that i seemed to understand him better than he did himself. Anyway, he was a "steady stablizer"--a type that went on and on about how he likes to avoid conflict at all cost, doesn't like taking risks and a person that will maintain the status quo every time.

The last time i talked with him--a week ago last Tuesday--i told him that i had decided to stay in my marriage (sorry notregretsever) that i just couldn't stand the thought of not seeing my children every day. He quickly sidestepped that--asked me about my H's company, which is going thru some upheaval right now). A few minutes later, i said,: You know, you just skipped right past that thing i said about staying in my marriage. And he said: I know, it takes me a while to process these things and i don't know what to say.

That was the last time i have talked with him.

He's slow and hides and goes away. I confront, take risks and am not afraid to go through some uncomfort.

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 11:00am
I am glad that you understand that we all handle pain differently. I do not think it is a man/woman thing but a personality thing.

I have decided to stay in my loveless marriage also, for the sake of my children. I do not think about my future, only God knows what is in store for me down the road. I think we should start a new support board for women that are trying to make our marriages work. ACtually i can't say that i'm trying to make it work, because it doesnt work...but it is here and it is comfortable for the most part. I am married to a very successful man and I have a nice life, and although there are many that I sound superficial , i would be just as unhappy not seeing my children every other weekend and not having money to boot. I have worked before and am not working now and you know what? Not working suits me better for now. I volunteer my time to worthy causes so I am still giving to the world. I also keep our country's economy going by buying alot of shoes and handbags. Okay, that was a joke...a bad one, but I need a sense of humor today.

I read your post about Paris, how exciting! I think deep in your gut you know that you are doing the right thing for you.....you just need that occasional rubber band snap and that is okay. There is no time limit for how long we get to grieve. I have done the threapy thing and the mantra thing. Bottom line is that XOM was a big part of my life for three years and it is going to take a while to get over all the mixed emotions that I am feeling now that he is out of my life. I make no apologies for that, although I wish it didn't hurt this much. I don't like being in pain, I just don't know how to get away from it. I have good periods and bad periods, right now it is pretty bad because he has been trying to contact me. Also I had a dream about him and it sort of shook me up.

Clarice, you really seem to be doing everything that you can do to help yourself and save your family. You owe noone an apology for trying to keep your family together.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 12:48pm
Yes... the pain does subside over time... it's been over for almost 4 years for me. I've moved on and am in a loving committed realationship now. Affair free. But... I still think of my XMM almost everyday.Not in an " I wish we were together" kind of way... just *think* of him. And he still emails me occasionally. I said in my "story" that I posted today that I never respond. Well.... I have once or twice. But it never ends well. He will write me little one liners.. send me a *k* (our way of sending a kiss) or just *sigh* -

or say he misses me. But if respond with yes, I still think of you too..... he comes back with this long bitter sob story about how if I really missed him I would start the affair up again. SO I have to stop the responses. It gets easier, but doesn't seem to go away. Hang in there.... you are worth so much more than a sideline. You deserve to be the center of someones world, not a satelite of theirs. Best wishes to you.

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