Being An Afterthought
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| Thu, 03-18-2004 - 11:33am |
I will get over it! I will snap my rubberband on my wrist when i obsess about him; i will say my mantras and prayers. But most of all, i will say to myself: Loving me and being with me is a priveledge and one that XMM no longer deserves.
The hardest times are when the phones go silent--he used to call me mulitple times a day on my three telephones; and when the email is nothing but SPAM! But little by little, those hours of the day, when i used to hear from him, are merely becoming hours in the day now that pass uneventfully. One of these days, i won't look at the clock at 6 p.m. and know he is going to call on his way home from work. It's a process!
I am strong right now. I will be weak again today. (I was weak yetterday and emailed him information on an NCAA Tournament Pool I am organizing--of course, he didn't respond). But I will try again tomorrow. I will come here instead of wanting to talk or write him, We will all be ok.
All my love,
Clarice

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I may sport the new rubber band braclet, too. I still occasionally think of xmm. I usually have thoughts of telling him off though. I need to still let go of some anger.
Good luck.
I am also taking some sick satisfaction from the fact that HE admitted he missed me, but I did NOT!!!! :-) That probably sounds awful, huh? Oh well, back to the NC zone I go...
Anyway, hang in there with the rest of us. Let's all break out the rubber bands and the Gloria Gaynor CDs... We will survive!
I know this upcoming trip bothers xmm a little so he's been acting like a jerk lately. But that is not my problem. I am focused on my H and my marriage and I try to let the rest of it go. I have to take a deep breath and actually say the words, "just let it go" so I don't tell him off. It would be so unproductive, but I bet it would make me feel pretty darn good. For now I take my frustration out on walking and doing pilates. You should see my abs now.
I recently went through the archives and read some of my posts from the fall. I could actually see the progress that I made and it was quite enlightening to see how far I have come. XMM said to me at work yesterday that if we could just take it all back and go to pre-affair it would be so great. I told him that I often feel like it never happened. Denial vs coping and moving on. I don't think he liked my answer. Again, oh well.
Just my thoughts on all of this. Good luck and with time it WILL get better.
Edited 3/18/2004 6:39 pm ET ET by alifechoice
It makes me happy now to know that he is dying inside over how he treated me and treated hte situation. I'm sure your XMM will do the same, don't kid yourself into thinking that you meant nothing....he is just being a jackass...it is his way of dealing with things that are painful. Very common.
Jazzdiva
Sometimes, i'll say to myself when i think of him: you are such a jerk; i am all done with this now; i hate you! And then, sometimes, I will pray for him as i feel sorry for him. He is a mixed up man.
I am all over the place. The worst thing, is our affair ended a while ago, and yes, we tried to stay friends. But that appears to be over now too.
I am positive that i am not out of his mind right now--he just disappears somewhere and i never know where it is. He loves his wife, but apparently, as i've learned, has a problem of being attracted to ALL women--and i know that as he figures this out about himself, he will be very conflicted (he is very catholic and always ridden with guilt). I can't say for sure, if he has any interest in this MO person (don't know if you read my other post), but just the fact that he would say that to me is just cruel and insentive.
I think he plays games, but i know that i was an important person in his life that he will not forget.
once, last fall, he called me very excited to read a personality analysis that had been done on him--as a manager--at the company where he works. He asked me to guess which type he was--and i did, correctly. We always used to laugh that i seemed to understand him better than he did himself. Anyway, he was a "steady stablizer"--a type that went on and on about how he likes to avoid conflict at all cost, doesn't like taking risks and a person that will maintain the status quo every time.
The last time i talked with him--a week ago last Tuesday--i told him that i had decided to stay in my marriage (sorry notregretsever) that i just couldn't stand the thought of not seeing my children every day. He quickly sidestepped that--asked me about my H's company, which is going thru some upheaval right now). A few minutes later, i said,: You know, you just skipped right past that thing i said about staying in my marriage. And he said: I know, it takes me a while to process these things and i don't know what to say.
That was the last time i have talked with him.
He's slow and hides and goes away. I confront, take risks and am not afraid to go through some uncomfort.
I have decided to stay in my loveless marriage also, for the sake of my children. I do not think about my future, only God knows what is in store for me down the road. I think we should start a new support board for women that are trying to make our marriages work. ACtually i can't say that i'm trying to make it work, because it doesnt work...but it is here and it is comfortable for the most part. I am married to a very successful man and I have a nice life, and although there are many that I sound superficial , i would be just as unhappy not seeing my children every other weekend and not having money to boot. I have worked before and am not working now and you know what? Not working suits me better for now. I volunteer my time to worthy causes so I am still giving to the world. I also keep our country's economy going by buying alot of shoes and handbags. Okay, that was a joke...a bad one, but I need a sense of humor today.
I read your post about Paris, how exciting! I think deep in your gut you know that you are doing the right thing for you.....you just need that occasional rubber band snap and that is okay. There is no time limit for how long we get to grieve. I have done the threapy thing and the mantra thing. Bottom line is that XOM was a big part of my life for three years and it is going to take a while to get over all the mixed emotions that I am feeling now that he is out of my life. I make no apologies for that, although I wish it didn't hurt this much. I don't like being in pain, I just don't know how to get away from it. I have good periods and bad periods, right now it is pretty bad because he has been trying to contact me. Also I had a dream about him and it sort of shook me up.
Clarice, you really seem to be doing everything that you can do to help yourself and save your family. You owe noone an apology for trying to keep your family together.
Jazzdiva
or say he misses me. But if respond with yes, I still think of you too..... he comes back with this long bitter sob story about how if I really missed him I would start the affair up again. SO I have to stop the responses. It gets easier, but doesn't seem to go away. Hang in there.... you are worth so much more than a sideline. You deserve to be the center of someones world, not a satelite of theirs. Best wishes to you.
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