Being chased by XAP vs not being chased

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2010
Being chased by XAP vs not being chased
13
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 11:40am

I’ve been reading a lot on here and suddenly something “hit me”; I know I always read about how easier it is for XAP to not contact you, to not have him/her reel us back in, to go fishing, that I should be thankful I don’t have “one of those” but ever hear people say “you always want what you don’t have”?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 12:03pm
It sounds like your XAP has too big of a conscious to be playing around with another man's W and being in his face. It sounds like he has more compassion for your DH than you do. Seeing your DH made it real to him. When we are in our fantasy A we block the real world out but maybe seeing your DH and talking to him made him realize what he was really doing. Maybe your DH is a nice guy and doesn't deserve to be cheated on. I know your ego is hurting but you can make any man want you sexually but you have to start thinking more of yourself than wanting some man to chase after you because you give good s*x. If he did chase you and tell you he wants you it will be because he wants a little fun on the side. How long are you willing to be that for some man.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 12:27pm

I hope that someday soon you realize how lucky you are to have an xAP with a conscience and who is willing to walk away without game playing and selfish fishing. You are blessed. Send him a silent cosmic "thank you and God bless you".

Now, let's look more at why you want a fishing attempt. Boo-boo'd ego? Desperate need for validation? THIS is where you need to redirect your focus right now. Let the other stuff go and work on digging down really, really deep to 1) identify your weaknesses (because if not with this JAM, then another will come around to take advantage of them), and 2) build up your self-esteem and self-respect so that you find validation and acceptance from within.

Rejection sucks, but think if it this way: YOU might or might not have been rejected - but the A certainly was. And, quite frankly, even if it was YOU who was rejected -- heck, gosh... I don't even know how to say this the right way... um... -- well, none of us are exactly 'prizes' as the person we were in the A, were we? When I look back at who I was then, how I acted, what I did, the kind of romantic partner I was... blech, I would have dumped me too! The same way we learn to identify the X in the harsh light of truth, we must look at ourselves in the same light. I don't blame my X at all for kicking me to the curb. There is a funny Groucho Marx saying, "Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member." ;) Anyway, I just want to stress that the person you were to xAP is not your BEST YOU. who really cares if he rejected _that_ version of you; you've go soooo much more to offer and so much more within you to give to the right person in the right circumstance. Focus on getting yourself back to _that_ place and let the rest of it be history.

Does any of that make sense? I'm a little muddled today so forgive me if I ham-handed this post!

Best,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2010
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 12:31pm

You are so right, you really are. And since the A has ended my H and I have gotten so much closer, it's great.


Ironically enough I sometimes wonder if I am the cold one, the "meaner" one out of XAP and myself; he seems to have much more of a concience about this A then I did and I've never really looked at it that way.


He was always the one to end it due to guilt, he tried to stay away from me so many times, and never could, and finally he did. He would tell me he just wants to not feel like crap, he wants to be someone his boys respect, he wants me to respect him, for us to be friends and not have to "screw each others brains out all the time" said "I really want that" and worried I would end up hating him.


Maybe he is the more decent one out of the two of us. Very interesting take on it.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 12:41pm
Makes perfect sense.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2010
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 12:43pm

Dee,


I agree with you completey and funny thing is - I just posted my reply to on here from someone else saying he had a concience and I didn't and that he must have been the "bigger person" here and not me. I had never looked at it that way before - EVER!


I think this post is a blessing, I'm looking at things in a different way and it is actually a slap in the face to see my XAP as the better person here, while all along I thought and felt I was, that I was the victim, that I was the one who was hurt all while I should be thanking him and gracious he cared enough to stop the insanity.


I even see how my words hurt him, my email I sent him when I was angry....now we just look at each other, not speaking one word.


Wow, I need to take this all in, for the frist time I feel like the "bad guy" in this.


Thank you Dee.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 12:58pm

I admire you, , for your courage to face what really may have been.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 1:04pm

crazy,

Dee and others are right, but dont beat yourself up as the "bad one". your x AP sounds a lot like me, guilty, wanting to end things but having trouble, and yet i walk around feeling like the bad guy cos i "abandoned" him. he's been feeling like the victim, like i rejected him, just dropped him like a hot potato.

point is, there are no good guys and bad guys. we're all guilty of cheating here, but on this board, we're here because we're ready to do right.

fishing is not the xAPs way of expressing his affection for you, or showing you he loves you. its his way of trying desperately to hold on to something that YOU know is unhealthy. yes, he misses you, but he's also missing the ego boost the A gave him, and all that he got from it.

no contact is a gift. it denotes that he respects the lines you've drawn. but you're not a bad guy. you're hurting, and you miss the validation that the A provided for you. but as you said yourself, since the end of the A, you've gotten closer with your H, and it must be such a relief to not have to tolerate the paranoia and fear that comes with harboring such a secret. if you got a fishing email, i promise you, for a second it would be nice, and then ALL of that negative energy would come crushing on you like a wave. you'd feel torn up all over again.

you are lucky girl. your xAP needs to give my xAP a good talking to ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 1:42pm
I am so glad you didn't take offense to what I wrote. I can be hard sometimes but I know exactly how your XAP feels. When I was in my A, I felt like dog poop. I ended it so many times because it made me feel lower than I have ever felt in my life. It wasn't that my XAP wasn't good in bed and it wasn't that he wasn't a gorgeous young hunk (he was), it was that I felt awful and I felt that he was awful to be sleeping with another man's W. I know its crazy but for some of us an A tears us up and some ppl are just not cut out for it. I remember once I was with XAP and had s*x in a place where I couldn't shower afterwards. I had to come hom to my DH and I vomitted for an hour because I was so disgusted with myself. So be glad that your XAP has a conscious because believe me, after a while the A will tear you down to nothing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2010
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 3:40pm

Thank you guys for trying to make me feel better and to not feel so crappy but it's the truth.


I was the one that should have ended it and not "seduce" him anymore when he tried to end it; I mean, dno't get me wrong, yes, it takes two to tango and he played his part just as much I just.......being the woman I should have respected him trying so many times to walk away. I believe he really is a good guy inside, my intuition has always told me so yet I've tried to make him out to be a monster when he really isn't at all.


However I feel as if I've taken a huge step by acknowleding my role in this, what I've done, what I should have done and that I'm as much to blame as he is (if not more it seems).


I just want the pain to go away when I see him; I shake, I get nervous, I hate the silence there but know it has to be that way, I also know in no way could we ever be "friends", I also realize he never meant to hurt me, I feel he got so stern and harsh in that email becuase maybe he felt that was the only way I would listen and leave it all be. I guess since we were back and forth it was just another one of our going "back and forth" but he was truley trying to do what was right.


I am glad he doesn't fish or try to come get me; it would be very selfish on his part and take me right back to square one, it would start all over again for me, he also knows I'm not strong enough to leave it be, he knows I just can't and that I always struggled too....yet that is what I want to work on now, is being strong enough to never ever go back EVER, to never do this with anyone else either, I've got a great man at home.


Thank you ladies, you have helped me so much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2009
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 5:59pm

Be glad your xAP is not like me. I believe I stayed in the A longer because I had such deep contempt for her arrogant H. Nothing made me happier than to smile and wave to him. He just stared at me like a deer in the headlights. And he is a big hulking guy covered in Tats with a shaved head. And a six figure job and a masters degree. He was my neighbor up until about a month ago. I moved. He also pretty much knew I was having an A with his wife. But he didn't have the guts to confront me, and he knew if he told my wife (who also pretty much knew) and she threw me out, he

"You Cant Lose What You Never Had" ---

Muddy Waters

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