Being chased by XAP vs not being chased
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Being chased by XAP vs not being chased
| Mon, 08-23-2010 - 11:40am |
I’ve been reading a lot on here and suddenly something “hit me”; I know I always read about how easier it is for XAP to not contact you, to not have him/her reel us back in, to go fishing, that I should be thankful I don’t have “one of those” but ever hear people say “you always want what you don’t have”?

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I’m sorry you are hurting so badly, your anger very much comes through this email and I’m sorry for that.
Dee,
I agree with Clarity (hah, funny pun on her whole moniker), this post was brilliant start to finish.
But I have to personally thank you for this...
<< I hope that someday soon you realize how lucky you are to have an xAP with a conscience and who is willing to walk away without game playing and selfish fishing. You are blessed. Send him a silent cosmic "thank you and God bless you".>>
I cant tell you how good that made me feel. There have been times both in my own mind, and after reading posts here, that I was worried that my total commitment to XAP's request for NC would be taken by her as a sign that I did not truly care for her, and it was easy for me to walk away, and leave her feeling like a piece of trash. I have worked hard to tell myself that how she feels is not important anymore, and to focus on my own healing, but this type of thought had creped into my mind.
The times when I said "ENOUGH" XAP did not make it more than 1/2 a day without texts/voicemails accusing me of not caring, wanting to forget, ect. IF ONLY I HAD KNOW THE RULES OF NC BACK THEN. I could have not listened to the emails, or read the txts.
I think of myself as an Ender-ee. That is to say I tried to before, and knew the end was right. When her call came, I listed, quietly and calmly tell me that she was recommitting back to her H and family (I hope she can, I was not her first A and found out that dozy right before the end), tell me I was always a mistake (which I understand), and tell me she was calling to say goodbye. I did not pine over her, and yell and scream "DONT GO". I held the tears till after the conversation was over. She said "I hope I can be a better W for him" and I said "I hope so too". No I love you, just goodbye.
So Crazygirl, please dont wish for being chased. It's a damn hard thing to not. Is there still times I want to contact her to hear her voice, yes of course, the poison is still in my veins, although the detox is getting better. Right now maintaining NC is giving me the most respect to a self-worth that I threw away by having the A, I hope in time you can feel the same way.
So again thinking that XAP may be sending up a "silent cosmic thank you and God bless you" makes me feel really good. Call it a mini ego-stroke if you will, but it makes me feel better hoping she is not just somewhere thinking she was easy to walk a way from. Far from it, the hardest withdrawal of my life. Thanks Dee.
Peace&Light to all,
Foggy
I do not know what is next in life...but at least I know what is NOT!
Foggy -
I'm SO glad you chimed in here. I thought of you when Crazy posted this because I know how hard it's been for you to keep NC with your XAP. And you are a perfect example of the fact that by keeping NC, you are actually showing her love and respect. My XAP was so incredibly selfish, he never in a million years would have shown me selfless love like that. After 7.5 years of putting me through hell, and ME finally being the one who ends it and sticking to it, he still stalked me for a month. It might seem flattering, but it's a complete and total lack of respect.
The lesson here is that if you are experiencing the lack of "fishing" attempts by your XAP, that is a good thing :)
Bodhi
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