Being "Friends"
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| Sun, 06-13-2010 - 4:16pm |
Someone may have already done something like this, but I was reading something on MAS and it got me thinking. Shortly before I initiated NC with exAP, he said he wants to try and be friends. This has happened no less than 8 times since we have been back in contact with each other. So, here is why exAP and I are not, nor ever were, "friends":
-When having a conversation with a friend, they will usually say goodbye or talk to you later at the end of the convo. When having a conversation with exAP, the only way I would know if the conversation was ending would be by the time he sent it. Anywhere near quitting time and I could expect my last email to remain unanswered.
-During the holidays/birthdays/anniversaries, you call your friends with a happy greeting and they respond or vise versa. With exAP, it generally did not happen ever. If it did, it was on the Friday before said holiday/birthday/anniversary. Heaven forbid he take two seconds to type "Merry Holidays!"
-Friends are there when you need them. ExAP, not so much. He was there when he wanted to be.
-If you have a problem with a friend, you can talk to them and have a back and forth until you have reached an understanding. With exAP, if I had a problem with him and voiced it, I would be "punished" for no less then a week. The punishment was generally him not talking to me. That's totally a mature thing for a 36 year old to do, don't ya think?
-Friends are friends all the time. Not just from 8am-5pm Monday through Friday or when on a business trip. I believe that is called work, not friendship.
-I can call a friend up and be like "Hey, lets go hiking today!". With exAP, there has to be at least 2 days notice for an hour of time. This is subject to change depending on how "busy" he was. When he would ask me (if you can call it asking), it was more like "I am taking lunch today". To which I would pathetically respond "oh, I can meet you whenever!!!". So, so sad.
-The biggest reason I know that we are not, nor ever were friends is because my husband knows all of my friends.

IJM,
IMO, it doesnt matter if the posts are redundant or not because typing it out and getting it out here is theraputic for the writer. So post your little heart away and dont worry about if its been done before.
You are so right and spot on here. My XMM asked to be friends before I went NC and I just couldnt do it. A friendship isnt hidden or a dirty little secret. It just wouldnt work and any interaction with him would open the door for hurt feelings, or worse, reentry into A land.
My XMM's life is also, honestly, something I dont care to hear about. When Im feeling weak, yes, I do wonder about him and contemplate that "Hey, how are you doing?" email. But when my head takes over, I know I really DONT want to know. I dont want to know where his next family vacation will be, I dont want to know if he signed up for a marathon, I could care less how his entitled little princess daughters are doing. If I tell him about my world, he devalues it. I was once telling him how hard it was to watch my son, who just had surgery, walk with a walker and struggle. He actually said.."I know, try teaching a teenage girl to operate the controls in her new car."
I was once telling him how hard it was to watch my son, who just had surgery, walk with a walker and struggle. He actually said.."I know, try teaching a teenage girl to operate the controls in her new car."
Thank you for starting this thread IJM!
Hi- All of the posts on EAS are redundant :) We've all BTDT but it's about working through this together, regardless if the topic has been discussed before. Keep working through it- keep posting here- it saved my life.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/