Being Honest With Myself

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2010
Being Honest With Myself
6
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 9:54am

So, my T & I have talked about me having a "false self"..One that lies, cheats & does anything in her power to be more beautiful, more exciting, creative etc..Keeping the affair alive (even if its only in my

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 10:27am

Hi P-girl,


I don't have much time, but I wanted to commend you on your post!

Babysteps


...even if it is all I can do, I can take one babystep.


NC/LC since May 21, 2010

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 10:52am
It is so uncomfortable to be honest with ourselves, but without it, how can we grow? I now admit how selfish I have been. How uncaring I was to my H during and after the A. How I have taken my M for granted, assuming H would always be around. He is such a good person. How I was feeling about him and our M (my issues) did not give me license to treat him in unloving ways. It's been about me for so long. It's his turn. RTG
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 11:05am

Pilates,


Congrats to you on beginning the return to your real life. Its in that RL where we are our true selves. Its takes time to get to that point and I am glad that you have arrived.


I think that all of us have had delusions of being able to maintain that double life of an A, I know I did. I thought I could balance it all, kids, work, marriage, home life and an A. When you are on a high from the A, it seems like anything is possible. Once the A gets complicated and things begin crashing down, so does that balancing act. The lows that the end bring, are all consuming.


But the unexpected joy from ending such a dysfunctional and fictitious co dependant relationship is a sweet comfort. We are no longer slaves to our cell phones, block time from our day and have to back it up with some lame excuse. We dont have to have our minds a million miles away while were are tucking our sweet children into bed, we can live in the moment again.


We all return to our pre A marriages and that comes with its own set of problems. The A's we had allowed us to escape those problems, ignore them for awhile. But we also pushed our H's away so we could pull XAP closer. Its tough at first when you dont have the A as a distraction but that is quickly filled with a comfor that we had fogotten about. We can see our marriages as more promising than we anticipated. We see that we married our H's for a reason, that we share memories, jokes and a life with them. Would XMM know about "squishy waffles"? Would he know how to make them for my 6 yr old?? Not at all, but my H does. He knows to butter em up, put the syup on, then nuke em. Would Xmm understand when I mentioned my other DS and how he had this "cheesey face" when he was really little and had his pic taken? No again.


There is LIFE in that LIFE with our H's, kids, family and friends.


As I am sitting here today, enjoying my caffine, getting ready to clean my house, I am relieved. Im relieved because just 12 short months ago, every single Friday was spent revolving around XMM, it was "our" day. Instead of doing things for my family or my marriage, I constantly made myself available for him. All I needed was a thumbs up from him and then it was off to lunch, a movie or even a hotel room. But NO MORE!!! Today,

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 11:37am

GMLB,

I only have a few minutes, been on the computer too much this AM, but wanted to comment on your post. I too have to get my house cleaned and a project with my younger two this afternoon.

Yes, only our H's know about the family jokes, memories of many years and how to do things with kids. I grinned reading through your paragraph. It made me STOP and THINK about all those special times that as a family unit of six we share....25 years is a LOT of memories of making favorite breakfasts (that we all enjoy!), our love of watching Twister when the weather gets bad, I think we have watched that movie about 3 dozen times, just little things that continually tie us together and reinforce our family life.

Did I really believe that xMM could have slid into my life and my life with my kids and just go forward and make new memories without regard to the old? I thought so, but it was the A fantasy that had me believing that.

I know where I have to be, know what I have to do for my family but still working on issues with ME!

Thanks!

MO

MovingON

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 8:07pm

"I also have 2 small children and feel crazy that I don't value my life and all I have as much as I 'should.'"


I see this so often on MAS and EAS.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Sat, 07-17-2010 - 1:11pm
This is one of the best posts I have read.... I spent 19 years as a wife and mother, and completely lost who I was.