Being "Just Friends"
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| Tue, 07-20-2004 - 11:20pm |
I hadn't heard from him for a while and he called me today. Just chit chat about his kids and his job and what have I been up to? No reference to the "end" or the fact he wants to have a "serious discussion" about how he clumsily ended it (over the phone) on July 2nd. (I actually don't have any interest in that conversation - especially as time goes by.)
I maintained my "cool" and let the conversation remain light and "friend" like but it seemed like I was faking.
It's like I don't care that it's over but I want to know that he still loves me and that he'll always love me and that he's miserable without my love but our relationship has to be downgraded to "just friends" because of his need to maintain some sort of balance. If I know those things I think I'm fine with it being over.
How deluded is that?
Let me know what you all think. I'm tired of thinking about it.
Much love - Mislead

I definately feel your pain. Not sure why but it seems that
through all the messages that I have read that men seem to
be able to handle the just friends approach better than us.
I have been trying to be just friends for 3 weeks now and
it isnt going all too well. He became very distant at first
hardly calling or emailing me and never spoke of his feelings
while I was doing the opposite trying to express what I was
feeling.
So I have listened to the advice that I have received
on this board about pulling back a little at a time. And now that
I have I guess he feels it because hes contacting me more.
I know it is frustrating at least for me to understand how someone
can go from loving someone to being just friends so easily. One day
he was saying he loved me and then he didnt say it anymore became
very casual.
I have been thinking that maybe he isnt saying how he feels because
he doesnt want to have to deal with his emotions. I was thinking of
asking him the next time we talk how he has been able to handle this
all so well. Not sure what to tell you.. I havent figured it out
myself! Hoping the best for you.
I guess for me I was finally at the point of leaving my H when it all fell apart-- he decided he did not love me anymore but wanted to be freinds...I think the LD and loneliness of his recent D and lots of women asking him out made him realize there were other woman he could be with and be happy. He did not want to wait 5 years for me- which is what I foolishly had told him. Why he will not tell me he is dating someone else I do not know...That is what my gut thinks happened.
I do not think men handle the friendship better- it is just that they are less emotional- they move on quicker. Maybe he is right in not telling me about dating someone and that would hurt just as much...I do not know...but I do know that I am trying to be friends and trying to find the middle ground. I know he wants to be freinds- but how we will do this -- my guess is - we will figure it out as we go. Having been friends for over 20 years gives us a chance to know that we can work through almost anything. I feel like it is my choice to be friends or not. But in order to do that I have to be able to not re-hash the old but to move on to the future.
Sure I would like him to break up with this woman who I assume he is seeing...I do not think he would have left me if he was not interested in someone else. And yes a part of me wants to break them up-- but I have never been the jealous type. I was the one that encouraged him to go out and date and meet people. I believed in us and our relationship and all that he told me-- so I never questioned that we would be together...stupid I know...but I think asking about your relationship now will not get them to open up-- in fact it will only get them to close up more. Being yourself and being the person that he fell in love is all you can do...so be true to who you are...figure out what you can handle and go from there. We all handle things differently and it is only up to us to figure out what will help us get through this. Remember you can only control what you do not what he does.
tb
In my situation, I too thought that OM and I could be "just friends", but it didn't work. Old patterns were beginning to re-emerge, I felt confused, and almost slipped once or twice. Finally, after coming here and reading and posting, I realized that complete NC was the only way to break the cycle and end the A once and for all. That was the only way I could regain my perspective on things and see that the A was destructive to me, my relationship, and ultimately my friendship with OM.
Like an A, any friendship that you have with this man will have it's ups and downs, and you risk having your heart broken each and every time you talk to him and realize that the A is over.
Just my 2 cents...
:)
Circe
Believe me when I say I still love him; I'll always love him, and I'm miserable without his love. It is true. Word for word.
However, the emotional affair, for me, has to end.
We too were/are sort of trying, or I should say he is mostly trying desperately, the friendship route, but I can see it's too difficult for the both of us, and it's just impossible. He so wants to pretend we are friends, and I can feel he is faking it. It's just pure torture for the both of us. I want to end it completely, but he's holding on for dear life. I hate to hurt him. I love him so very much. It's very difficult to hurt someone you love dearly, but I can see it must be done, and the friendship route is not the way, at least not for me. How he can do it is beyond my comprehension. He says it's better than nothing. For me--I'd rather have nothing than the constant pain of us trying to be friends. It's easier for me. It's not for him. So what is the answer? I wish I knew.
My next move is to end the supposed friendship firmly. I can't stand him holding on to nothing. I feel there is nothing left for us. There is no future here for us. The friendship was ruined when we introduced the sex into our relationship. How can we go from, "God, I love you so much!" to "How is your day?"
Believe me when I say ending a relationship no matter what end of it you are on is the most difficult thing to do especially when you still love each other. He will always have my love, but from a distance, and in our memories. There is nothing more here for us.
Am I still struggling with all of this? You bet I am. I'm trying so hard to help him to let go, and I wish he would be able to help me to let go, but instead this process is only prolonging any healing or progress for either of us. It's like one person who can't swim desperately holding onto to the other person who can, and inadvertently pulling them under. If I don't let go and save myself, I'll just die and drown with him.
~ifm