Being self-destructive, hurting bad,help

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Being self-destructive, hurting bad,help
9
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 10:12pm
Hi everyone, I am new to these boards & am sooooo very glad to have found them.

I am in an A, am married, he has a serious GF....been going on for a few months now but I know I need to end it. He's not consistent, won't talk about how he's feeling & I have tried to get him to. I actually ended it once but that only lasted about one week & I called him back to be "friends". We did that for a few days and back to the A again. My thing is that even though he won't open up with me, I have opened up with him and he knows how much I care about him/think about him. Some days he's sweet and other days he barely says two words when we talk. I am always the one to call/email/initiate contact although it wasn't always this way in the beginning. My logic tells me that I am being played but my emotions make it so, so hard to just stop it & let it go. These euphoria feelings are like a drug for me...I love the feelings, attention, etc. but I feel it's self destructive. I could potentially lose everything. My H is a great man, cares the world for me and I do love him as well.

I just don't know what to do at this point. The last contact was a little intimate but I'm still left feeling confused. It's like the OM will say or do just enough to suck me back in and that is exactly what happens and then he cools off again. I am afriad that if I try to ask him about how he's feeling about things that that will scare him off and then it really will be over. I'm just so frustrated/confused.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 10:26pm
hi there Falleasy--

A lot has been said on this board in the last day or two that will help you A LOT. READ IT ALL!!! Your story tells me that there was something missing in your life -- maybe deep down -- when the opportunity to start the A presented itself. Otherwise why would an otherwise sane woman dive into this sort of deal? It may take a couple counseling sessions, but you need to find out what that gap was for you.

Take a second to listen to yourself:

<<>> -- Bingo! That is exactly what he is doing!

And what about this:

<<>> -- don't be afraid of scaring him off. Your post hints that you really do want it to be over, but it is just to scary to make ssuch a huge change. And it is scary--many of us have been there!! But think how scary it would be to get caught? Or how scary it would be to give another 5 years to this guy when there is zero chance of a future with him?

Wake up and do what i can tell your heart is telling you to do. Life will get better, I promise :-)

Meg

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 10:33pm
Fell

You have hit many neils on the head with your post, affairs are very distructive to the women that get involved in them, they also destroy families if left unchecked.

They do take on a lot of the symptions of a addiction after your get into them that is part of what keeps you hooked, there is anelement of bio - chemical addiction and emotional addiction again these develop after getting sucked into the affair, they should not be seen as a justification for it that is not my intention in saying this.

Sorry there is no real friendship in these things in my opinion,if there was before the affair it is now a dead issue and any attempt to have one will in the large majority of cases just lead back into the affair.

The only proven solution is to brake the addiction cold turkey NO CONTACT ENFORCE BY YOU.

The other man is showing standard Narcissist tendancies, many men that get into affairs have this problem, he will not willing let you end it, he has to end it on his on his terms, his need for power and control over you will not allow it, you have to decide that your going to do what ever it takes to end this before you and your family pay on HUGE PRICE for this.

Below is a cut and paste from another post please read it.

############################################################3

My xMM is a narcissist. I don't know how many of your MMs are/were too, but I thought I'd pass on this piece of wisdom I received today from my therapist. I was discussing how it seemed like ever time I backed off a bit from xMM or began to institute NC, he would come flying back into my life full force. Now, during our A xMM never really withdrew from me, the longest time was for a week when he was on vacation w/his W & sometimes he would decrease the amount of time we'd talk/email in a given day, but I know I've read many posts here where MMs go for weeks or months w/o calling/emailing or whatever. Well, according to my therapist, getting dumped/being avoided by their MW or OW is highly painful for the narcissistic MM. Afterall, he is driven by the thrill/validation/ego boost that having sex w/a woman (usually many different women) while still married provides. He can often not comprehend the idea that the woman he so successfully wooed/bedded, etc. would ever want to leave him. He needs it to be his choice. Some MW/OW may see this as MM coming to his senses and realizing how much he's missed them, but in reality it often is simply MM needing to reestablish his control.

I think this explains a lot. So many posts I read are about how MMs come back into OW/MW's lives after the OW/MW have instituted NC or have tried to limit contact. And I think this helps explain why it often appears so "easy" for some MMs to simply end it while the OW/MW is left sad/confused/emotionally drained/hurt.

Well, I just thought I'd pass this on - I thought it was interesting & at least applied to my situation!

#####################################################3

I suggest you read many posts here often, post here rather then contact the XOM, journaling can be a help in venting your feelings rather then acting on them.

GOOD LUCK

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 11:14am
Thanks for the replies, just knowing you guys are out there & trying to help is helpful.

I'm here to vent more this morning.......!! So, what gets me is WHY would he want to be so hot/cold? I think I am finally coming to realize (and next to accept) that he doesn't care about me, that for him it's purely physical but even with that, I would think that he would want to try to continously sweet talk me in hopes of him getting what he wants. I get so mad at myself for falling for his words when he decides he's in a mood & wants contact w/me. I did break down & email him yesterday...told him that I really enjoyed seeing him Sunday & that I'd like to see him again. Here's the thing w/that--he just switched to working 3rd shift so it will be harder for us to see each other unless he initiates. His reply was "Things will work if they can for us to see each other"...OK, what the heck does that mean????? I interpret that as him saying "I'll be in touch when and if I'm in the mood". I logically know that I need to go ahead & get out of this..I'm not getting much out of it so I'm like, what's the point then?? It's hard though. What should I do now? I am debating on sending a 'this is over, it's obvious you don't feel the same' email...should I do that or should I write back a "boring" email that doesn't feed his ego & let it just slowly dwindle? I really hate the fact that I love the euphoria feelings so much. I know that w/each new relationship,those feelings WILL END in time but I just like them so much...this is not my first A and I finally figured out this euphoria thing last time but I obviously didn't learn & still have no will power.

Thank you for listening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 1:25pm
My advice...end it now. You're letting this guy use you. If you want to lose all self-respect, by all means, allow it to continue...I know this from personal experience, I let my A go on WAY too long, long after I KNEW it would end badly, that he'd go back to his W and kid.

Don't be as foolish as I was. Don't ignore that part of your brain that is telling you to stop now because its only going to harm you more the longer it goes on. I wish I had!

I know hindsight is 20/20, but just keep reading the posts on this board...you'll see that there's nothing new under the sun. The A's of everyone here could all have been played out from the same script. Different players...but the ending is the same...PAIN and anguish for those involved.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 1:40pm
fall-

Take it from someone who's been there. The only way to stop those addictive

feelings is to get AWAY from him. No Contact works. It's just like quitting smoking COLD TURKEY - which I happily admit I did over 18 years ago!

YOU can do it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 4:06pm
hi there Fall--

Re-read these lines from your post:

1."So, what gets me is WHY would he want to be so hot/cold?"

2. "he just switched to working 3rd shift so it will be harder for us to see each other unless he initiates"

You said that he has a serious girlfriend. Could it be that he also knows that what he is doing is wrong and has moments of clarity (the times when he appears to be "cold" to you)? Then when he wants the free and available action that he gets from you, those are the times that he seems "warm"?

I think your soon-to-be XOM is feeling a bit torn. You both know that this is wrong, so time to end it, don't you think? email is fine, but don't talk too much about feelings. Posie had a great post (look back on some of the threads from a couple weeks ago) where she gave a great "let's end it' email messgae. Find that one.

Have you done any owok toward determining what is happening with you that you are drawn to be in As? This is a vital thing for you to do. Take the time and effort you have been spending in the A and put it toward figuring out your own needs. Fix those problems and/or issues; then you can move forward with a peaceful and settled life with your H and your family.

We are here for you -- good luck :-)

Meg

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 5:51pm
Falleasy,

Welcome to this wonderful place! It can be vital to you in getting over the pain you are feeling now. Your story is VERY similar to mine. Almost identical, actually. I'm here if you ever need to talk. I agree with everything that's already been said here...the only way to regain your happiness is to end things and get through the withdrawals. You are right. It's such an addiction, both physically and emotionally! You are going to have to be strong and get through the initial unpleasantness and it WILL get better every day. I promise.

Read and post often. There are LOTS of us who have gone through the same thing. In fact, when I read your post I thought...OMG, that sounds JUST like xOM! Is it the same guy? LOL! Many of OM behaviors are universal, just like the feelings we experience are. We're all different but there are patterns that repeat within every situation.

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 10-16-2004 - 9:15am
Hi Lily, thanks for your kind words & encouragment, I know you know that I need it!!!!

This A is what I have been calling 'round 2' because I did try to end it a few weeks ago & like I've said, it quickly went back into an A from trying to be platonic friends. Meg could be right when she suggested that his cold periods are times when he is feeling bad b/c of having the girlfriend. However, if so, then I wish he would say so. He does not want to talk about anything. During round one of the A, I tried & tried to get him to talk & he did open up a little & we both talked about how A's are wrong since we are committed to someone else yet we also realized that being attracted to someone else is fun, feels good & part of human nature. He took the attitude of "we'll see where this goes & we haven't done anything wrong" because of the fact that we had not had intercourse--and, thank goodness, we never did or else this would be even harder for me. I think that part of what turned him off the 1st time is when I brought up the emotions part of all this & I made the mistake of telling him that I thought I was falling 4 him & how much I felt for him etc. The last email I sent him (thursday) I said "I'd like to see you again" and when he responded he did not reciprocate that at all; didn't even mention it. I haven't replied to his email yet because I am trying to work thru what I am feeling & figure out what to do. I know that I need to go ahead & end it...it's causing me so much hurt/frustration but yet there's this part of me that wants to keep a window open just in case he wants to continue this although all the signs are saying he does not care. This is where I feel that I am being self-destructive...why stay in something that I am not getting anything in return?! I feel rejected, like, where did I go wrong? He had been 'after me' for about two years....and here I finally give in and now it's like he got what he wanted so now he's bored and over it and I'm left with the emotions and resentment that got sucked in and developed feelings for him. I am in therapy too which I hope is helping..I know that it's better to be in therapy than to not be. I'm upset this morning b/c I had hopes that he'd contact me since I didn't reply to his email but of course he didn't...and, it's very unlike me to not respond so I figure that there must be a part of him that finds that odd but he doesn't care enough to try to contact me...he always lets me inititiate. I wish this wasn't so hard.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 10-16-2004 - 9:57am
hi there Fall--

<<<>>>

Fall, all of us at some point have wanted to keep that "window" open. I had moments yesterday after my XMM called me that I was relieved that we were still talking, that the "window" was still open! But to really be free and to really focus on what I need to do for myself, I have to kick those thoughts out of my head. You do too.

When you say "just in case he wants to continue," shouldn't that choice be yours, too? Don't YOU want some control in this situation? What do YOU want? Does it REALLY matter if he "cares" or not? What if he does care about you? Does that mean you want to continue the A? I have a feeling that you want to stop the A (even though you still have all those "feelings", just like the rest of us do or did at one time). So if you really know in your heart that you should not be in the A, make that choice for yourself and don't allow him to have that kind of control over your life. It's your life and you **DO** have a choice :-)

This is the time to think about yourself and what's best for your future. Good luck!!

Meg