Best Advice I've Received

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Best Advice I've Received
4
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 2:10am

I received this advice from cl-noregretsever. I changed the tense to reflect myself so that I'm saying it to myself. I wrote this out and taped it near my bed so that it is the first thing I see in the morning and the last when I go to bed:

-No one deserves to be a part-time escape valve on the side of a struggling or failing marriage.
-I am not someone to be a part-time escape.
-Any man who starts a relationship knows exactly what it takes to be upfront and make ME the priority of his life, and without any excuses for why he can't be with me permanently.
-Hold them all accountable to that standard and if I'm faced with any reluctance or hesitation, tell the guy to hit the road!
-As I demand excellence from my suitors, I will attract only excellent suitors.

I have had a couple of days in the past week where I missed xMM and cried a little. One of those times was when I was trying to get out of the house. I went to Wal-Mart. It's the Wal-Mart where we went when we spent the whole day together back in August going to different stores, the park, driving around, etc. Ugh! I think it made me sad to remember walking around there with him and how we were together, and seeing all of those couples together, and me being by myself now. I know that what hurts the most about all of this is that I am now alone, and I hate being alone. I stayed in the R for as long as I did, and tried to hang on to it for as long as I did, because to me, being alone was worse than the little time that I got to spend with him. "Something is better than nothing" is what people always say, right? I guess in cases like these that we are all going through, it's actually "Nothing is better than something" or at least it should be how we see it. I'm slowly getting there. I think that today is one of those days where I am doing good, and I know that this is the right thing for me. Right now, this is a rarity, as most days are me missing him. At least I am having some of these good type days :)

I finally am getting to see a therapist. I have my first appointment on Tuesday! My insurance is REALLY REALLY good. I get 3 free Employee Assistance Program (EAP) visits, then I get 90 visits per year with a copay. I wish that I had sought out going to a therapist several months ago.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 7:34am

<<>>

BRAVO!!! WOOO HOOO!!!! HIGH FIVE!!! :)

Well, I think you get my jubulation. Bottom line.....WE are not going to change until WE decide to change (and/or understand) our behavior. Therapy will give you amazing insights into the person you need to love and understand the most right now. ((((YOU))))

This took real courage and I am very proud of you. BUT remember, it will take time and effort. There is no easy "I'm over him now" road out of town.

Be patient and reward yourself every single time you are can honestly affirm, "I can do this." (let's see...there's chocolate, carmel lattes, hot baths, fudge sundaies, etc.etc. ;)

You can do this!!

Id

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 6:53pm

Id, you are a very good motivator. Thank you :)

Know something I REALLY hate? Of course, most of us, from what I've read, had the best sex ever with our respective APs. I am no exception. Being a single gal, that is something that I absolutely miss! He was the third man I've ever slept with (I'm 27). Well, today I was walking around Old Navy and not even thinking about him (pretty good) and all of a sudden I just got this flashback of us at one of "those" times. Argh!!! I think that's when I miss him the most lol I quickly stamped the memory down. I'm getting better. Just pray, pray, pray for me if he ever tried to bring up the A again, or says he misses me, or flirts with me. Right now, I am handling things because he isn't doing ANY of that. But I am not over this enough yet, so God help me if he does :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 6:57pm

hey fallon,

looks like u are doing good , keep it up girl !!!

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 7:19pm

Max - I'm doing ok today. I still cry, but I haven't today. Did you see where I posted that I found his profile on Match.com? From the activity thing, and it saying he's never been married and doesn't have any kids, I think it's pretty old from before he got married (just 2.5 years ago), but my first reaction to it was I went all clammy and cold and heart racing and wanted to throw up. My best friend calmed me down though. She is my reality-check button. She is the one who brought us together. He was separated when we started talking - his wife had left him a couple months earlier. My friend was the biggest cheerleader for us to work out. He and I would both talk to her about the other. She feels so guilty about how things have worked out. (*sidenote: even his friends wanted me to be with him instead of his wife - couple of them that he has known for a while and even went to his wedding. They think she's nuts).

ANYway... like I put in there, I am doing ok right now b/c he is not talking about anything at all. We have been through this before when he broke things off. This time I was the one who broke things off. I just hope that he doesn't start talking about anything, because I am not sure how I would handle it. I would hope that after being on here and starting to go to a therapist starting Tuesday that I wouldn't fall for it, but I really don't want to find out!