Best way to END it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Best way to END it?
Mon, 05-12-2003 - 8:11pm
I have decided to end my R with my MM. First we have NEVER been physically intimate but have both expressed feelings of being in love and our belief that we are soulmates. NO we don't believe there is ONLY one person out there, but we do believe we will never find more perfect matches for each other.

He and I are 33 and he has NEVER cheated on anyone. I believe him, as well as what 4 of his friends (male and female) from High School days say. We do acknowledge what he's doing is cheating and I agree if I was morally perfect I would've run away a long time ago. But we do have an awesome friendship and the love grew over a year period as we got to know each wasn't something we LOOKED to happen. I have also never gone after a guy with even a girlfriend, let alone a wife, stepson and infant.

Basically he won't leave and I KNOW this. He seems to think we can be friends and spend as much time together without crossing the line. (Sex). I still feel this is taking him from his family and THAT it's just as bad a cheating...emotional cheating is harder I think then just having sex with someone. He wants the relationship with me and still have his sons with him. His wife is starting to ask questions about him being moody. He says he now looks for things she does to get mad. He knows the situation is wrong but he says if he doesn't have me in his life as even a friend he will have a hole in his heart.

I want to end it more for HIM then for myself. I want him to be happy and I think having me around to fulfill what his marriage lacks that he'll never have reason to make a change. I don't want to end it to see if he'll leave but more to help him either leave or give attention to his wife and have with her what I KNOW him and I do have.

Whenever I try to end it, it pulls him closer to me and I feel enormous responsibility for his happiness so I take him back into my life. WHAT do I say to let him know he needs to leave "US" alone until he either does leave or figures out he needs to focus on his marriage and make it work. I don't want to hurt him but I want him to realize I mean it.

We also work together....BIG problem when ending things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 05-12-2003 - 9:27pm
You just say what you just told us. Leave me alone! That will ring in his ear forever.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Mon, 05-12-2003 - 11:41pm
I can relate to the working together situation. I'm going through the same thing. I can't really give you advice on how to end it because I'm caught in that wheel to. Sorry couldn't be much help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 6:05am
I am in the same situation, 6 months now. We work together, haven't been physically intimate with each other, there is definitely emotional intimacy.It is tearing my life apart, I look at my husband and feel so guilty for hiding everything from him. He has noticed a change in me and has asked me if I was having an affair, how much more obvious would it be if I do. I want to and I don't want to. He makes me feel so wonderful, he is such an amazing person. People at work are beginning to notice something there, though we try not to let it show, he says we can't hide it, it is probably the way we look at each other, when he looks at me it is as if he is looking deep inside of me. I am confused and wonder if this deep attraction will ever go away.
Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 9:54am
Hi Livin~ I posted to you yesterday and I don't know if you bothered to take in what I had said or read the article I suggested to you. And I am known on this board for pretty much saying it like it is. I read your post here and the few responses that followed and I would like to comment on it. A few months back there was a show on Dr. Phil which deals with the OW. And the one word he used to describe the behavior of the OW is NAIVE. Now please don't take offense to this because I have been where you are (involved with a MM) but I also have learned from reading, being on this board and getting some help that you cannot continue on this road. YOu simply cannot continue to afford posting about this man as if he is a God. You have to force yourself to see this situation for what it is and walk away and in the workplace that means telling him that this is NOT going to continue between you and that you have to keep your relationship strictly business. If you can't, then your answer is to look for and find another job because there is no job worth your mental health.

You are not this MM's savior and his life will go on without you, despite what he tells you and the words you used to describe how he acts when you try to end it as far as him saying he will have a hole in his heart, well sorry about his luck. I don't mean to sound harsh here, but is that a man who gives a rip about your feelings and what being involved with a MM is doing to YOU?

It's time you start putting yourself first, see his selfishness and begin to move on. No one has the right to two women who love him, knowing one is going to be very hurt. Because there is nothing right about what this man is doing and if you are married, that goes both ways. If you are single like I am, then you simply made a bad choice for yourself and it is time to see the TRUTH and move on.

NOw, you want to know how to do it? Tell him you both HAVE to keep your relationship strictly business because you have to see each other at work and then YOU live up to it. One good way to get started is to go to and look up the Cakeman article, save it on your favorites and read it every day first thing in the morning until it gets into your head the type of man you are dealing with. He DOES NOT HAVE YOUR BEST INTEREST AT HEART. If you think he does, then tell him to inform his W about you. If that doesn't give you your answer, then you need to find other employment.

I have been where you are. I know how emotionally difficult it is to let go but that is your only answer. I know how much it hurts but it is better to go through that pain now than to prolong it and risk your mental health.

Good luck.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 10:00am

Hi and welcome. I have been in your shoes to a certain extent. Early in my marriage I had a close co-worker MALE who became a confidant/friend and one night after happy hour he confessed to me that he had been attracted to me for a long time. I did not recipricate those feelings however I was flattered. I am proud to say that I nipped it in the bud and did say I appreciate our freindship however that is as far as it will ever go. I am married #1 (you say to him HE is married) and #2 I do not beleive in getting involved with anyone at work (BAD BAD thing to do my dear regardless of his marriage). It was awkward for awhile and no we are not as close (I think he was embaressed) but at least I do not feel guilty nor do I have anything to regret. Tell him that you will maintane a aquantanceship at work but that is all that you are willing to offer. That he is married and what you are heading towards you do not want.

Best of luck hun,