Best way to end it?
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Best way to end it?
| Fri, 01-07-2011 - 10:44am |
Thanks to you all, I am not the same person I was when I started posting.
| Fri, 01-07-2011 - 10:44am |
Thanks to you all, I am not the same person I was when I started posting.
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HI Sunrise,
I applaud your honesty and your courage to be ready to end your A.
Sunrise-
I am so happy that you have decided to end it. The road ahead is not easy, I am 2 weeks NC and everyday is a struggle. Keep reading and posting, I know that it has been a lifesaver for me. When I want to contact xAp, which is pretty often, I will come on here, read and post and it has really helped. And listen to the advice of the wonderful ladies here, they will not lead you astray.
I ended my A with xAp via email, it was the only way we really communicated. I had been thinking about ending it, but wasn't planning on ending it on that day. As we were talking, I realized that he didn't care about me, only what he could get from me. And I realized what I had and what I could be losing. He had nothing to lose and I had everything to lose. So I emailed him back and told him it was over, don't contact me again, which I always initiated contact anyways, and that even our friendship was over. Sounds harsh I know but had to be done. Then I deleted the email account and deleted his number off my cell phone. I did contact him a few days later and he never responded and I am so thankful for that.
I know that you said that you did not wish to be mean, vindictive or ugly and I hope that it doesn't come to that, but sometimes you have to get mean and ugly to protect yourself. After you end it, that is what it is all about, YOU, taking care of yourself and putting yourself first! It is no longer about him. I am learning, but I am still struggling with this.
You really are making the right decision and we all know how hard that is but we are here for you and to support you.
h.
How to end it?
"I am ending our relationship to re-focus and re-commit to myself and my family. There will be no further contact from me, and I will not respond to any further contact from you.
Signed: .... "
TO THE POINT. NO room for confusion. DONE. DONE. DONE. This isn't about appearing to be all heartbroken. This is about YOU taking responsibility for the ugly, and moving ON.
I think in the case of a DDAY, such an ending holds much more value than an ending email laced with all sorts of silly.
While there is NO one RIGHT way to end it ... there are some very important guidelines that WILL assist in making a clean break:
1) DO NOT meet with him in person
2) DO NOT include ANY phrases or words of endearment, no "I won't stop loving you, wish it could have been different ... " blah blah!!! It's ALL lies and in time, you will regret being so wishy washy. This is YOUR moment to shine - to do this without apology. It's time to STAND UP.
3) BLOCK and don't look back!
4) Read and RE read EVERYTHING about NC, about the initial detox phase, and for goodness sakes, please give yourself time to get through the first few painful days of withdrawl, It can hurt like a mother - BUT it can ALSO be the first taste of real freedom.
Remember, you won't be alone through this. We will be here for you every step of the way.
((hugs))
TU.
Sunrise I cant say it any better than TU just did!
Hi sunrise
I think the best thing you can for yourself is following the NC instructions which means cut off communication, delete him from you phone, block him, and delete the email address he has for you if possible. It totally helped me get to that place of peace where I can really begin to heal and move on. Before I did it, I would get texts and calls and that would just set me back several steps after I had made progress. It was so frustrating. Now I don't worry about him calling. Good luck and keep posting and reading. It really works.
Sunrise,
GOOD MORNING!!!!! REALLY GOOD MORNING!!!
You sound REALLY CLEAR AND REALLY RESOLUTE.
That's all I had when I JUMPED (but I wasn't even as CLEAR as you; knowledgeable but not CLEAR)
As everyone has pointed to - HOW you end it isnt so much the key as it is WHAT you DO.
If you choose to send an email, which Personally is what I did....(DONT DO A FACE TO FACE) Its just another opportunity to be sucked back in (when you're ending such an ADDICTIVE behavior as an affair is the most resolute you can be in their company is in my opinion 20% at best - Its like smoking a cigarette WHILE you say you're quitting) .
KEEP IT SIMPLE.
KEEP IT SUCCINCT.
KEEP IT ABSOLUTE. (NEVER is a word we dont usually like to use with people - but in this case...its THE WORD THATS NEEDED)
I wouldnt even 'OVER EXPLAIN' why youre doing what you're doing or offer any type of motivation - "I deserve better..." etc. because FRANKLY, it falls on deaf ears. Plus, its another way of GIVING AWAY YOUR POWER to someone who already has BENEFITTED far too long from that in YOUR world. :)
After you've decided what to write...re read it to SCRUB IT for any possibility of leaving a door, window, or crack OPEN.
SHUT THIS SYSTEM DOWN, SUNRISE.
THEN...AND THISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF TELLING HIM YOURE ENDING IT. MOST IMPORTANT:
DELETE, BLOCK IT ALL AND WALK- WITHOUT GIVING HIM A CHANCE TO RESPOND
As tempting as it is to wonder - be concerned with etc etc JAMs response (I LOVE THAT YOU SAID THIS SO MANY TIMES!!! HOW EFFECTIVE FOR ME TOO!!!!)
YOUR FIRST ACT OF OWNING YOUR POWER OF RIGHT NOW AND RECLAIMING YOURSELF AND YOUR FUTURE...is to END IT and NEVER LOOK BACK (only as it is for your therapeutic healing)
WHEN YOU HIT SEND...it becomes all about YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU and more YOU.
Plus, WHAT KIND OF RESPONSE IS GOING TO COME FROM A
Though I know you're scared, it sounds like you've got a pretty good grasp on the whys and hows of what happened.
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