Bewildered
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Bewildered
| Fri, 08-27-2010 - 7:54pm |
I am new here and seek advice.
I have been in an affair for the last 6 years.
| Fri, 08-27-2010 - 7:54pm |
I am new here and seek advice.
I have been in an affair for the last 6 years.
Welcome, Rose,
I can feel your heartache. Six years gone in the blink of an eye. You gave him the best of yourself, you fell in love with him, and this is how things turn out. You are devastated with good reason. I am so sorry for your anguish.
<> This kind of statement cuts so deep but is so telling. I think six years is plenty of time to tell someone you love them.
<> Let's stop right here and I'll give you some advice you probably won't want to hear. The "friends" thing does not work. Your AP is a "cake eater" in every sense of the word. My advice is to block and walk. Do not respond to any emails or phone calls. Learn this: NC (no contact)= no new hurts, and live by it.
Ask yourself this: these past six years, have you enjoyed lying and cheating, planning your life around your AP, and being a slave to your cell phone and email? These words probably sound harsh, but this is what we sign up for when we enter into an extramarital affair. An A is an addiction. Maybe you have already that here on EAS. I hope you've had a chance to read some of the discussions. As much as it hurts, now is the time to end it.
Rose, I encourage you to read and post here as often as you can. We can help you through the pain, anger, self-loathing, whatever it is you are feeling. We are a strong, cohesive group and our common thread is that we've ALL been there. As you read you will become acquainted with the pattern of an A. We will help you through your rejection and things will get better, I promise!
It is only through the help of this board that I am now 8 months NC (LC at work). This board saved my sanity and literally my life. I hope to see you back here soon, Rose, and I will be thinking about you.
((hugs))
CSN
Hi Rose,
Thank you for replying.
I cried when I read it.
Thanks for your input Rob.
<
I work with my XAP, so I can't even count how many times we've been forced to cross paths for social events, etc. What I can tell you is that it gets easier each time, and often the anticipation of what might happen is worse than the actual event. But you need to run a few scenarios through your mind before the event so you can plan how to deal with them should they happen. You are fortunate to have a couple of months to prepare. Number one rule for me: remember why I am there. If I am there to do business, then that's where I place my focus. I go in, do my job, and leave. If it's a social event, I focus on the event and my role in it. Rule number two: DO NOT make eye contact with XAP. And rule number three: Give NOTHING away. You may be angry, you may feel torn apart inside, but don't let him see it.
Rose, for now you need to focus on healing. There is so much to learn about As. As you read here you will learn more about yourself and what made you cross the border into A land. If you're like most of us, you probably never in your life dreamed you would do such a thing. You will probably feel a sense of loss. It would do you good to learn about the stages of grieving. You also need to learn about addiction. You will probably have an urge to contact your XAP at some point. You will be compelled to have closure. When you have these urges, come here immediately and we'll get you through them. Giving in to these urges will only set you back in your recovery. Above all, Rose, take care of yourself. Healing takes time, and you will find the strength it takes to get you through. It's here with us. Take your life back now. Make today Day 1 of NC. By November you will have learned so much to help you through that dreaded meeting.
Take care, Rose, and keep coming back. I will be looking for your posts.
((BIG HUGS))
CSN
Welcome to EAS and I hope you have already started reading our Healing Library. It is always unsettling and upsetting when we have the rug pulled out from under us, so the discomfort you are feeling is normal. Breaking all channels of communication is the only way to start feeling better but it's going to take a a month or two. You have to completely change the way your brain has been wired for the last 6 years. Xmm was your escape from RL, and when this is terminated, a person feels confused and helpless at first. You won't know what to do with the time you used to text and email, but habits like this can be broken. After you have grieved this loss, you slowly start to fill the void with other hobbies and activities, and even perhaps begin reinvesting yourself back into your M. No doubt your H has known on some level that you have been emotionally absent for the last 6 years.
As far as seeing Xmm at future meetings, by November you will much stronger than you are right now. You go with your head held high, avoid getting into any conversations with him, and never be in a situation where it's just the two of you. He has made it clear he wants to work on his M and you need to respect that. By November he may want to fool around again because this is what MM's do when they know your past history and think they can get away with it again. It is up to you to show him that YOU have changed, and that you are not his get-away gal any longer.
<>
How flattering. How does it make you feel to know you are his
~Iddy~
Thank you again for your insight.
Thank you for making me feel welcome in posting here.
I understand what you're saying about transparency. I too have worn my emotions on my sleeve. For me, it needs to be about focus. If I'm feeling something I don't want others to see, I need to shift my focus. Go back to rule #1. If your meeting involves your work, then place your mind on your work to get you through the meeting. Another thing you can try is "fake it til you make it." Then go to rule #2. Don't make eye contact. Without the eye contact your XAP most likely won't be able to see what you're feeling. Use EAS to talk through your feelings. We will listen.
I'm glad to hear you've made an appointment with a T. Keep up the good work!
CSN