Beyond hurt..confused. Need direction

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Beyond hurt..confused. Need direction
12
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 8:41pm

I haven't been on the board for quite some time.. but I really did it this time. To give you a brief background/history... married guy at work started coming on to me in late November. I am married too, but my husband hasn't been able to please me and refuses to get therapy (ED issues) until after our baby is born this summer..

OM and I started flirting heavily as we soon found out we were both missing something from our spouses (and the fact that I am pregnant..he finds pregnant women 'sexy').. we got quasi-intimate..never slept with one another. The flirting continued, but he put a stop to the physical contact which I found maddening. I think he likes being sought after, but didn't want to take it any further. I, like an idiot.. would continue to come on to him, only to hear.. "no..I can't. but thanks for the offer though.." while his eyes would always say something differently.

I always had a hard time talking to him. He had this intense look about him and even now.. we would always just look into each other's eyes, and I would get lost. I could never say what what was bothering me. What was bothering me was he and I had this "mutual fulfillment" agreement.. and then he just stopped. I take it personally. I have esteem issues.. I feel like he is just not attracted to me anymore.

He approached me last week and wanted to know exactly what was bothering me.. "just say it.." he said. I told him - I have a hard time talking to you -- I just can't. He said, let's do this then.. and he gave me his home email address.. "that's just my address.. email me here.." So, I did.. proceeded to spill my guts explaining why I need to know he is still attracted to me even if we aren't continuing this 'thing' anymore. My esteem issues stem from something that happened 12 years ago and I was victimized. It's very personal.. and I have been to therapy to deal, but stopped going. I obviously need to go back. But I shared this with him so he could understand why I feel like, now, part of a bad "fraternity joke". At my request.. asked him to please keep the personal stuff to himself.. it is very very personal to me. I knew he wouldn't say anything, but still felt compelled to say it.

He came to my desk the other day and was very sweet to me.. but visibly a little nervous/uncomfortable (and understandably.. I gave him a lot to digest). He said I didn't have to worry.. he wouldn't tell anybody.. then asked if I was 'okay'. I said, yeah.. we enjoyed some small talk.. and then he left. I know guys don't communicate like us women.. but how do I get over the humiliation I feel for coming on to him, only to be rejected and to do it again? I feel like I should apologize to him for that.

I am leaving my job soon, so I won't have to worry about seeing him. However - I am moving into his home town in about 6 months. It's a tangled web, I know - but as I told him, I would have rather become good friends with him, than what happened.. which sort of makes me feel kind of cheap.

He doesn't respond to any of these issues in my email, but continues to be 'sweet', friendly, and I guess, just nice to me. I suppose he could be a d*ck which would be worse. I am having trouble - trouble dealing. I miss the flirting. I miss the potential to be friends b/c I feel like I ruined that. I feel like I am trapped and cannot approach him; that I must wait for him to approach me now. I feel like anything I say to him now, he may construe as me *trying* again. Why am I so insane? What exactly should I do?

I apologize for the length of this, but I need answers. I love my husband. Yes. Do I want to have an affair with this guy? No - not anymore. I just don't want the tension, especially now that we will be neighbors. Literally. I look to you all, to help me sort out the best approach to recovering from this so we can live as adults in the same community - and so I am not feeling so *used*..

Thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 9:52pm

Rhonda

It seems to me that your focusing all your energy on the wrong man, the issues that need to be dealt with are with your husband not with this third rate Kinky Romeo.

Your husband has his issues that only he can decide to address and the same is true of yourself, you were in T for a truma from your youth perhaps it is time to return to T an finish the work you started on yourself.

You need to get a real handle on yourself and your marriage before moving anywere near this odd fellow or things could end up going from bad to worse over night.

Be well

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 12:40am

rhonda,

out of sight out of mind, u said u are moving to the same town as he is, just avoid him, no contact is the best way, in time u will heal and get used to it

u said u love your husband, concentrate your time, effort, attention, love, passion to him, get him some help, be there for him

welcome to the board,
max

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 9:31am

Thanks Max and Free..

I assume you are both men?? While I understand the need to concentrate more on my marriage, and I am prepared to do that with all my heart, there is still "unfinished business" in my mind as it relates to this guy. Maybe it is a result of being a female, that I feel the need to express my apologies for coming on to him so strongly last week, but I can't help but want to say sorry for that.

As a man - why do they not answer to certain things, like in my email for example? Seems like it would be easy enough and I would be better able to forget and move on if I had that closure.

I didn't mention either that his wife is our realtor, for the new house that is just a couple of miles from his. I never understood that.. but he wanted me to check certain developments out since my husband was transferring jobs to his area and it is affordable. And his wife is a realtor. I didn't have to use her, but I did. It's a little strange, but like I said, I am trying to get over him and I can separate. So, that adds a little to the drama, I understand.

Just wondering what the guys thoughts are.. how he must have felt when he read that email and if I should just expect that he never approaches me again out of fear or what? Or if I should apologize for my behavior last week. I don't want to leave this place with him feeling I am -- whatever.

Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 11:32am

When we put ourselves out there to be used, there's almost always someone willing to take us up on our offer, Rhonda.

He's married and you're married with a baby on the way. What exactly did you expect or hope to happen by encouraging a relationship with this guy? Where did you visualize the relationship going?

You say "I feel like he is just not attracted to me anymore." Well, who made him the one who decides whether or not you are attractive? You did. So undo it. No one but you can decide your worth, Rhonda. As long as you use external sources to validate your worth or attractiveness or intelligence or whatever, you're setting yourself up for a world of hurt & disappointment.

We can't control or change anyone else's behavior or their actions, but we can certainly control and change our own behavior & actions. Little baby steps, one after another, is how we begin digging out of the holes we've dug for ourselves.

Stop throwing your worth away, quit lowering your own standards, and start digging, girl. Your baby will learn from you and from your relationship with your husband what he or she should look for in their own love relationships. You need to be the woman you want your daughter growing up to be or be the woman you'd want your son to marry because you get one shot at it. There are no rewinds or do-overs and what you say is good & right is going to be ignored in favor what what you do.

There's little as courageous or as strong as admitting we need help. Run with that, Rhonda, your gut is telling you true, so make that appointment with your therapist or counselor. Do it for you and do it so your child needn't be stuck with making the same choices & mistakes we've all of us here made.

~LeFeen~

"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. " ~Anais Nin~
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 8:56pm
Rhonda,
He might not have responded as you liked, because of several things. Maybe he doesn't want to put anymore vibes out there to you-upon realizing it wasn't the right thing to do? Maybe he is afraid his wife will find out, and that's enough to clam him up. At this point you definitely should think of this baby on the way and the father of that baby..focus on what you have right there ..I understand your hurt, but if he didn't respond much to your email, I'd just let it go and not expect much more.
Hugs to you and best of luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 5:35pm
I agree with the other posters who said that you should have NO CONTACT with this man. Get away from him as fast as possible. Once you leave your job, you won't have to see him. Even though you will be in the same town, the chances of running into him are slim, unless it is a really really small town. I would say that you should not email him any more, or respond to his flirtations.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 8:48am

i think he simply doesnt want this much responsibility. He flirted, you flirted, he reacted sexually and pulled back. He decided to stop. He found you attractive enough to have sex with you. It could be a myriad of reasons why he is not wanting to anymore. He may have even had sex with you not because "he finds pregnant women sexy" as much as "welp she is safe..*i* cant get her pregnant" or ok say he does find it sexy for other reasons. Still...its all UNHEALTHY, and irrational because that is what you wanted. You wanted to be found sexy and attractive.

Pregnancy makes you even more hormonal from what I understand. You are sexy and attractive. Focus on what your husband and father to be think about this. Otherwise you will have more problems than you think after the baby is born.
Please recognize that you have that very important issue going on. Redirect your priorities. Being mindful of your hormones helps tremendously. I don't think this has as much to do with the fraternity incident as much as you think. I worry more about why your husband won't consider help until after the baby is born. Perhaps HE has issues with pregant women that need to be addressed. Some men are ignorant or were raised to feel that is off limits or bad. I hope you get MARITAL counseling (not just individual counseling) because he may have a madonna/whore complex that will need to be addressed for you to continue having a marriage after the baby is born. There is you, he, and this baby in this family now.

You can be a married couple and parents and (in my opinion) its very important that you and he concentrate on your marriage at the SAME time as being parents. You are a woman, a wife, and a mother. Perhaps he is afraid everything will change or perhaps you are afraid you will be seen differently. Getting this out on the table and working on it. will do wonders.

Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands

Woman Power
both of those are titles of books by Dr. Laura (i like thoughts but hate her style on the radio). Ive not read them but from the calls she gets..its worth looking into. Hell, as a single woman..i still might..couldnt hurt.

Start communicating with your husband TODAY...even if he seems like a wall. YOU have to take some action because at least there is one person in your marriage that is now knowledgable or communicating. Do not wait for him to start this.
Go girl, (p.s. congratulations on your baby...make this the best experience of your life...be a great mom, wife, and woman...this isnt a dress rehearsal). You are lucky in many ways. Cash in on those and make the rest as best as you can because YOU CAN.
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 2:38pm

I do appreciate all the responses.. but I want to clarify something. I did NOT have sex with OM. We kissed and without getting too graphic, got a little intimate, a couple of times - but never had intercourse.

That said... not saying that makes it better. I understand it is cheating nonetheless. I did not listen to everyone, and spoke to OM yesterday. Realizing that our relationship is tricky right now, I cannot do the NC thing, at least for the time being. I deal with his wife on almost a daily basis b/c she is our realtor, and my husband.. well.. he is always saying, "ask X , ask X .." as it relates to us moving to this new area. I found myself actually snapping at dh.. "NO, I'm not asking him anything!" and realized that this isn't cool.. he's going to wonder why I wouldn't want to talk to the guy. But if I am doing this NC thing.. how can I even ask him these simple questions. And how can I talk to his wife without seeing her and thinking of him (because of his lack of response to me).

I asked to speak to him at work and he came right over. For the first time ever, and presumably due the fact that I have mourned this loss over the course of a week and had my share of crying incidents, I was able to be very cool with him. I was calm, collected and self-assured.. strong voice, no quivering (as I normally am with him b/c I am so welled up with emotion). I was very matter-of-fact and to the point. This time, the tables were turned as he appeared to be like a nervous 16 year old boy. I told him what I mentioned to you all above.. how I don't need to be best buddies with him, but I don't want him to feel uncomfortable or afraid to talk to me for fear that it may "lead me on" in some way. He said he doesn't feel that way. He seemed relieved.

We both agreed that what happened (which, physically, wasn't much) is forgotten. He said he never lied to me or was dishonest with anything.. which I took to mean, he really does find me attractive and like he told me before, after we had our smooch session that one time, he realized that it was wrong because he felt guilty and didn't know what to do. So he sort of ran away from me. It has nothing to do with him all of a sudden finding me UNattractive. I said to him, it was dumb.. where was it really going anyways? I kept coming on to him after he pulled away and was/am embarrassed by it, and apologized. He said I don't have to apologize for anything...and I really need to stop 'beating myself up'.

In the end, I think we were both relieved. I continue to keep him off my IM and have no interest in checking up on him. I realize I have a husband right here at home.. and actually feel badly for OM if he needs to cheat regularly on his wife, but now that I think about it, I don't think he is like that. He just doesn't appear smooth enough, and this all seems too new to him. Either way, not my problem.

In this case, the NC rule didn't work and worked best for ME, to clear the air one last time. I think it worked b/c I have it set in my mind now... that it is okay to be attracted to someone of the opposite sex. It's normal. But we just cannot act on it. And I should not have to rely on this guy or any other guy to TELL me I am attractive. I need to just know it and believe it myself. I am working on that.. and with a little girl on the way.. I want to be sure she grows up feeling confident and secure, not the way my mother made me feel. That is my priority right now.

Also - switching from career mom to stay at home mom will give me more time to exercise and feel better about myself. DH is also starting to exercise b/c he now has a gym at his new office. While I am certainly not proud of what I did.. I believe that everything happens for a reason. There is always a lesson to be learned and I *think* I am on the right track now. If OM remains a friend, albeit distant one, that's ok. Either way it is okay because I believe I can separate..and handle it now.

Thank you everyone! I'll keep you posted as the days go on. Today happens to be a good day :)




Edited 5/7/2005 9:33 pm ET ET by rhondal88
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 7:15am

Not sure if anyone saw my latest post (on this string).. but I think I'm going to be okay... :D

Also, I've started reading the book, "The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido, A Couple's Guide" by Michele Weiner Davis. So far I think it is very good.. if I can only get dh to read it. (in due time!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 8:51am

~Rhondal~


<<<.. but I think I'm going to be okay... :D>>>


You will be better than OK, IMO. You did a very courageous thing in talking to him and setting the record straight. Plus, soon you will be a new mother so I'd like to wish you a "Happy New Mother's Day." You have so much to look forward to and now you can move in that direction free of any further outside interferences.


Embrace the

 

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