Beyond hurt..confused. Need direction

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Beyond hurt..confused. Need direction
12
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 8:41pm

I haven't been on the board for quite some time.. but I really did it this time. To give you a brief background/history... married guy at work started coming on to me in late November. I am married too, but my husband hasn't been able to please me and refuses to get therapy (ED issues) until after our baby is born this summer..

OM and I started flirting heavily as we soon found out we were both missing something from our spouses (and the fact that I am pregnant..he finds pregnant women 'sexy').. we got quasi-intimate..never slept with one another. The flirting continued, but he put a stop to the physical contact which I found maddening. I think he likes being sought after, but didn't want to take it any further. I, like an idiot.. would continue to come on to him, only to hear.. "no..I can't. but thanks for the offer though.." while his eyes would always say something differently.

I always had a hard time talking to him. He had this intense look about him and even now.. we would always just look into each other's eyes, and I would get lost. I could never say what what was bothering me. What was bothering me was he and I had this "mutual fulfillment" agreement.. and then he just stopped. I take it personally. I have esteem issues.. I feel like he is just not attracted to me anymore.

He approached me last week and wanted to know exactly what was bothering me.. "just say it.." he said. I told him - I have a hard time talking to you -- I just can't. He said, let's do this then.. and he gave me his home email address.. "that's just my address.. email me here.." So, I did.. proceeded to spill my guts explaining why I need to know he is still attracted to me even if we aren't continuing this 'thing' anymore. My esteem issues stem from something that happened 12 years ago and I was victimized. It's very personal.. and I have been to therapy to deal, but stopped going. I obviously need to go back. But I shared this with him so he could understand why I feel like, now, part of a bad "fraternity joke". At my request.. asked him to please keep the personal stuff to himself.. it is very very personal to me. I knew he wouldn't say anything, but still felt compelled to say it.

He came to my desk the other day and was very sweet to me.. but visibly a little nervous/uncomfortable (and understandably.. I gave him a lot to digest). He said I didn't have to worry.. he wouldn't tell anybody.. then asked if I was 'okay'. I said, yeah.. we enjoyed some small talk.. and then he left. I know guys don't communicate like us women.. but how do I get over the humiliation I feel for coming on to him, only to be rejected and to do it again? I feel like I should apologize to him for that.

I am leaving my job soon, so I won't have to worry about seeing him. However - I am moving into his home town in about 6 months. It's a tangled web, I know - but as I told him, I would have rather become good friends with him, than what happened.. which sort of makes me feel kind of cheap.

He doesn't respond to any of these issues in my email, but continues to be 'sweet', friendly, and I guess, just nice to me. I suppose he could be a d*ck which would be worse. I am having trouble - trouble dealing. I miss the flirting. I miss the potential to be friends b/c I feel like I ruined that. I feel like I am trapped and cannot approach him; that I must wait for him to approach me now. I feel like anything I say to him now, he may construe as me *trying* again. Why am I so insane? What exactly should I do?

I apologize for the length of this, but I need answers. I love my husband. Yes. Do I want to have an affair with this guy? No - not anymore. I just don't want the tension, especially now that we will be neighbors. Literally. I look to you all, to help me sort out the best approach to recovering from this so we can live as adults in the same community - and so I am not feeling so *used*..

Thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 9:18am
excellent news all around. I am so glad you are feeling better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 3:07pm

Rhonda

It is great news, your young and you have many years to build a good life with your husband and good memories to pass on to the children you two have created together.

"We" all are a work in progress it will be interesting to see were we all are in 10 years, I see great things for you.

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