Beyond WILLPOWER , need TRUE strength

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
Beyond WILLPOWER , need TRUE strength
36
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 7:46am

Well I have reached another milestone- it has been 3 months today since the end of my A. Our other serious attempt to end it (almost 2 years ago) lasted 3 months. That time I had reached a point of utter disillusionment with the sexual aspect of my marriage and felt such an intense spirit of lonlieness. My solution was to invite my XMM out to lunch. (In the back of my mind I KNEW it would be a booty call)

Now I again find that I am experiencing that same sensation of despair. While my M is improving daily in terms of communication and day to day companionship, the sex continues to be sporadic (1X in the last 3weeks and we had to get drunk to get into the mood). Of course, we have also been living with very different schedules – he is up at 4:30 AM and asleep by 9pm –I am more of a “night owl” - up at 7AM in bed by 11 or 12 (not necessarily sleeping!) Last night I had another restless night filled with continuous dreams of rather raunchy sexual escapades.

In my mind I have made that “booty call” to my XMM many, many times this week. I have even hoped that he would drop in on me (and I would have “no choice” but to give in to my secret desires as he too would be so overwhelmed with the passion of seeing me again that we would fall all over each other in sexual ecstasy....YAH, YAH....so what’s your favorite fantasy?)

I am happy to say that I have my weekly T session today so I will have a chance to “unload” some of this bullsh!t in a healthy way. Sometimes I feel that my body has a mind of its own. It aches and yearns and craves for release and for me “release” has come to mean a fix of XMM.(Masturbation only goes so far....) I am working hard to establish a better mind/heart/body connection and hope I have the strength to not “give in” again this time.

Someone here talked about their T (was it WIP?) saying that therapy would help her get beyond using “willpower” to stay away from XMM and help her actually get to the point emotionally where she won’t even WANT to see him. I desperately hope that I can reach that point. To those of you who are already there – when did you KNOW you were at that point???

Hanging in there in anticipation of TRUE “release”,

ARTIST

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 9:30am

Artist

This may be a dumb question but why don't you adjust your sleeping/going to bed habits to spend more time in it with your husband ?

Not meaning to sound mean but as these habits seem to contribute to your problem at least some why are you doing this....is the bad/no sex not and accident...at some level are your contributing to the problem on purpose....you and hubby had to get drunk to get in the mood, this sounds like one or both of you do not want to do it.

Do you see your husband in a romantic role with you or just as a friend that takes out the garbage ?

Sometimes when hearts get truely damaged it is a long slow job to heal them.

Bye the way your body makes a great servent but it should never be the master it will only bring you to ruins.

YOU ARE STRONG

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 10:45am

Artist,

I wanted to say "congratulations!" Your post says you're struggling but it is to be commended that you made it this far (beyond an original milestone) and have not caved. Something is different and you can do this.

I really never thought of myself as having low self-esteem. However, the book I'm reading is telling me that my need for "instant gratification" is a hallmark of low self-esteem. My T pointed out that it's not an 'all or nothing' thing... I can be very self confident at work, but have self-esteem issues when it comes to the more narrow window of men and relationships. I've had to think through this quite a bit. The book is saying that the need for my "instant gratification" with xMM stems from me sabotaging the long term good of a healthy relationship. I don't know if this will help you through this bump but it's helping me some.

And "yes" it was my T that said I won't need "will power" eventually. She said will power is not where it is at. She said when she hears folks saying (about any addiction) that they just don't get why so-and-so doesn't just stop doing something - that she realizes that person doesn't understand addictions at all (or the root cause).

She is confident that I won't need will power to not IC with xMM on our next work trip (this will probably be in the fall some time). I am digging in hard so I hope she's right. Some days I feel confident that if I went "today" I would not - other days I feel certain I'd cave. It's a rough situation when we are traveling to another city, no one else is there to keep you honest, and we're staying overnight in a hotel (I can stay at a different hotel but it complicates it since we usually have the same rental car etc). I will not drink so that will help, but still it really puts it to the test.

I'm now at 39 days of LC and counting. I am much happier.

Glad to hear you're doing so well (you may not feel that way - but you are!).

WIP

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 11:59am

WIP: get a different hotel...and a different rental car if you have to (pay for it even) ...how much are you suppose to deal with the fact that you have to see this guy for work as it is? Are you secretly wanting to test the water just to see how you'd react? That in and of itself is an "excitement" that can fuel things.

Artist: I am not sure its the sex you are craving or the man. Maybe a sex therapist or a look at alternative sexual lifestyles...something new for your husband and you to work on as far as tastes/techniques and connecting (sexy vacation at Hedonism in jamaica?) etc. Get sex involved in your relationship with your husband. You may be assigning this to your xMM in your head and thinking that is what you are craving...him ...when it is sex.

Lots of people go years without sex with someone else. Let go of this idea about sex with xMM in your head perhaps start thinking in terms of NEVER again. Also I'd recommend not counting so technically (39 and counting of LC).
Yes, I think we all have reference points (i know the last date i spoke to my xmm) and yes occassionally i'll say ..wow its been 10 weeks. But you and a few others...counting actual days as if you cross it off every day (i hope you dont)...seems to not help with the obsessing that is done at the beginning (yes we all do it) but i would recommend you stop counting the days...because its making you think about how its not been very long as much as it seems like it has been very long. It keeps it too "current" I hope this makes sense...hard to explain. It definately has an air of "forefront" that doesn't help with moving away from it farther everyday. Anyway...If you are not feeling any progress with your husband...maybe you need to look at things as far as your future now. calling up your xMM for a booty call is not the solution for release. (and yes i understand you might be just venting and perhaps not to be taken literally)
I wish you the best!
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 1:10pm

Artist,

My sister is a drug addict (reformed now, but once an addict, always an addict). Relapse periods are usually at the 3 month, 6 month, 9 month and 1 year mark. You are very vulnerable right now, and if you allow your junky mind to ride that slippery slope, you WILL take a tumble. I equate affairs to an addiction. That fix, whether it be emotional (an email, text message, phone call) or physical as in your case, will be looming over your shoulders just waiting to be appeased. THIS IS WHERE CONTROL ENTERS IN. You must fight these urges with every ounce of resolve you can muster up as THEY WILL PASS....

I just crossed my 1 year mark. I was depressed and unstable the entire day, but there was NO WAY I was going to allow myself to wallow in any sort of self pity or ENTITLEMENT mode. I didn't earn my ticket out of Hell by telling myself how much I missed or yearned for those feel-good moments. I did it by REFUSING to acknowledge that momentary JUNKY MINDSET, and was able to look beyond what immediate gratification would signify in the long run; NO MORE PAIN. NO MORE LOSS. NO MORE CRAP to contend with ALL OVER AGAIN.

You've come so far. Keep ahead of those demons and leave them choking in your dust.

**ID**

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 4:42pm

Id, I couldn't agree more. I actually typed a similar response to this thread and then hit "cancel" cause I felt my ramblings were more therapuetic to me than helpful to Artist.

Yes, the A's are very much part of addiction and I know that most people truly don't understand that. I can get that same high from XMM that I got from a bottle. And as an addict my first thought will always be to get out of pain. So if I'm missing the XMM, my first thought isn't to just sit in the pain or uncomfortability of missing him, it's to DO SOMETHING to make the pain stop. Since I've been in recovery, I've learned how to not act on these wonderful ideas I have, and to call my sponsor or other woman in my network who understand that I use XMM as a drug and that he's as dangerous to my recovery as a bottle of Cabernet.

I have personally never experienced "squeamishness" around my clean date, but I've heard many other addicts share about that. I've been sober for almost 3 years now, and I typically look forward to my anniversaries and that's when my resolve seems strongest. I made it thru the anniversary of me and XMM's break=up relatively easily, as well as the anniversary of the day we met. Unfortunately, I've got alot of chaos in my life right now, and because I'm an addict, I'm thinking about ways to get out of myself. One of those ways is, unfortunately, with XMM. Sigh.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 12:43pm

This may be way off base reading the other responses - but this is how it was for me. Maybe your spouse could be more involved in building a marriage where your needs are being met. I felt exactly like you do about my M and the lack of sex that it had. Is it your H who is not in the mood or is it you? Is it because you would rather be with XMM instead of H? Or does your H just not seem interested in you as a woman anymore? My H had told me that I was just his wife and not like "that". To XMM I was like "that" and so I got what I needed as far as attention, affection and validation as a woman. I tried talking to my H, threatening but nothing. We just seemed to have lost it. I even bought the book "Sexless Marriage" so that H and I could read it together because I was going crazy. (He lost the book after reading about 7 pages). I knew I could not continue on like this I needed a relationship that met my needs for romance, sex, companionship. I would cave in and call XMM. He gave me what I needed and my H wouldn't. That is what drove me to tell my H about the A. I had decided if my H couldn't give me what I needed I would find someone who could give me it all.

H has been terribly hurt and I know it was wrong, but before H knew about the A we had sex once in the last 5 months. We have had it 4x this week and he has sent me flowers twice, we stay up all night talking and call each other during the day. He says I fell off of the pedestal he had me on, but I don't belong on a pedestal I am a woman with faults and imperfections, it was like he started seeing the real me again. I have no desire to see, talk to, or be with XMM. My H is taking up my time and fulfilling my needs. There is such a difference I feel so loved after being with my H, instead of used or guilty like i felt with xmm. We are starting counseling next week.

I can't believe that my life has changed so much in a matter of weeks. Just remember you didn't get here overnight and it is going to take time to get back to where you need to be. Wishing you much peace....kc

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
Sun, 07-03-2005 - 9:01am

I am sensing much truth in what you are saying. I seem to have some type of underlying aversion to sexual intimacy with my H. Some days when we find the time to just chat and cuddle we have occassional sparks. I think we both need to spend some time together without the alcohol influence - it has been a very distracting co-dependent crutch. As my T told me in our most recent session we are spending a lot of time together but not really "connecting". I have tried to reduce my consumption from time to time but it is usually just easier to let him pour and not make any waves.

I have also decided to try and adjust to an earlier bedtime and to start my work schedule at 6:00 am in order to try and synchronize our body clocks a bit better. Yes, it seems it will be a long journey to heal my (our) damaged heart(s).

ARTIST

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
Sun, 07-03-2005 - 9:12am

<<<<<<>>>>>>>

Remind me about the name of this book....

Your comments are similar to what ID refers to as getting into an "entitlement" mode. i.e Having this nagging sense of " WHY can't I have EVERYTHING I want and NOW".

Today I am seeing this latest crisis as just another attempt to deflect myself from continuing with the REAL inner work. SIGH....but yes, you are right - something is different this time - "ME"!

ARTIST

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
Sun, 07-03-2005 - 9:26am

<<<>>>

I know it is only the SEX that I am craving - I need to figure out how to have these need met with my H. I am recognizing that although we spend a lot of time together we are not really "connecting"

<<<>>>

Great ideas but first, I have to start with the baby steps of just learing to express my dissatisfaction without triggering his incredibly ingrained self consciousness and defensiveness and lack of self esteem surrounding this issue. He started experiencing libido problems over ten years ago - I gave up trying to work through it with him by soothing myself with an Affair for seven years.

<<<>>

I was not just "venting" and this is (was) a literal possibility for me. I am a runaway artist....when I can't deal with something I RUN....

Not this TIME.

ARTIST

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
Sun, 07-03-2005 - 9:30am

<<>>>

Please explain further what you mean by this. I think this is where I need to get to in order to deal with these occassional lapses but it still sounds an awful lot like pure "WILLPOWER" - do the cravings ever stop?

ARTIST

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