Birthdays

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2010
Birthdays
8
Tue, 01-18-2011 - 7:27pm

So...my birthday just passed on the weekend and today is exAP's birthday.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
Tue, 01-18-2011 - 7:49pm

Hey Cait-

Those 'special' days are hard.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Tue, 01-18-2011 - 8:08pm
Dear Cait,

It is the first birthday then, where he actually GAVE YOU A REAL GIFT. He gave you the gift of space, healing & life after an affair. He didn't try to hook you, lure you back in or whatever, rob you of your special day with some pathetic excuse to contact you. I can understand NOT knowing how to feel, so pick one. PICK relieved. Pick grateful. Pick happiness. Pick FREE.

You will NEVER do this year again - all this first time throughs will be OVER. Hold your head high and move on with your life with dignity and grace.

((birthday hug))

TU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2010
Tue, 01-18-2011 - 8:48pm
Thanks heart and TU...that is so true! He gave me a real gift this year. Good way of thinking that. I'm so much better off without him; and NC is the best gift he could have ever given me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Tue, 01-18-2011 - 9:31pm
Happy belated birthday Cait, I hope you had a very special day:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2010
Wed, 01-19-2011 - 2:09am
Dear Cait,
First off HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! I hope that regardless of some of your mind filled with "what ifs" and residual fog of XAP that you were able to have a good time with your loved ones.

Second, I 100% agree with TU (what's new? I swear I am gonna add a tag line that just says... "Um yeah what TU said"...and post a blank response on almost every thread). You and your XAP did give each other the best possible gift this year.....the ability to celebrate free from a space created by lying, cheating, deceitful actions. I know it is hard to feel that right now, but by your next birthday you will be laughing at yourself because you ever doubted that fact.

I know it has been a struggle for you Cait, your early posts ripped at strings in my heart because I could so relate to what you were feeling. And, I stand here now as a fellow endee, and tell you that this break really was the best thing that your xap could ever give you. And I am sure that it was a struggle for him just as much to watch these birthday's pass. I am happy that you are both strong enough to do what is right.

I also want to just take a second to just provide an alternative view of one of the things that I know you struggle with the most, and was/is a deep source of pain in this ending. That your XAP ended just after your dad dying. I just want to play the devils advocate in attempt to shift your perception of those events. Perhaps the fact that xap COULDN"T be there for you in your time of greatest need was one of the reasons he HAD to end it. What I mean is he could not really be there to be able to be the one to console you, the way he would have wanted to, because you had a H there to do that for you. I just want to suggest that Perhaps it was his inability to be there that caused him so much hurt and pain that he was awoken to the fact that Affairs are never what they seam and in fact have no inherent value to them. Sometimes what it takes is seeing things from a new perspective.

And to that matter, here is another perspective I will give you about Birthdays. Yesterday was the birthday of my W. And it was the first one in 13 years that I did not get to celebrate with her. I would have given anything to have been able to give her a kiss and reassure her how wonderful of a moment it was for the world so many years ago when she was born. Sadly I didn't get to do that. Instead I said it into a voice recording...in hopes that somehow any one of those words breaks through the barrier of pain that I inflected on her when I engaged in my A. So, think about how lucky you were to have H kiss you and tell you happy birthday...which I am sure he did!

Sending you healing vibes and comforting thoughts for continued change and healing.
Peace&light
Foggy
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
Wed, 01-19-2011 - 6:33am
Cait, happy belated birthday to you. I think everything that I would have said is already said, I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday and give you a cyber hug.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2010
Wed, 01-19-2011 - 7:22pm
Thanks so much everyone for your birthday wishes and words.

Foggy...thank you for your input; I really appreciate your point of view. I never did think that maybe it was just too hard for exAP to not be able to offer the support that I needed when I needed it the most. I remember him saying that when he was at the funeral and saw how my H supported me; he thought that I don't belong to him. He said something told him to leave me alone. And maybe by acting so hurtful towards me was his way of making sure that he pushed me to my H. Thanks for offering a different perspective. This really helps me not be so angry and I really need to be able to let go of the anger. Thanks again.

I'm sorry you didn't get to give your W a kiss and hug in person to wish her a happy birthday; I'm sure that must have been very tough.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2009
Thu, 01-20-2011 - 3:57am
Hi Cait,

I can really relate to what you're going through. It was my xAP's birthday yesterday - a major milestone in his life - and even after all the time that has passed since our A ended, it was sad not to be able to reach out to him.

A big hug to you for being strong, and getting through both your birthday and his. I hope you're feeling proud of yourself today.

A bit about me - my A ended in Summer 2009, and after a few attempts at NC, I finally got the hang of it in March last year. I've been going strong ever since, with just one little wobble in August last year.
it is strange to think that even with all that water under the bridge, a birthday can be such an emotional time. But all of these dates that we pass through without succumbing make us stronger, and bring us further along in our journey.

I'll be thinking of you.

LT