A Bittersweet solution

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
A Bittersweet solution
8
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 6:23pm
I haven't posted for a couple of weeks because I found myself getting even more depressed when reading other experiences. But I'm back again today, I don't think I'm any better than I was but I just need to get this out and maybe get some thoughts.

Brief history, I was in an A with a MM, he ended it about 9 months ago to work on his M (but still kind of hung on to me until I moved out of state 6 months ago). In the last six months we had a rocky friendship, but neither of us wanted to stop talking. 3 weeks ago he had some blow out at home and basically decided he needed to take a break from me. Basically his W made him "choose" whether or not he wanted to keep my friendship and end it with her. He chose to end the friendship which in the grand scheme of things, I understand. But it still tore me apart.

Anyway he's been on a trip for the last week or so and he came back today. I decided that I needed to make one final effort to have at least some contact, because it hurts to much to have lost my best friend. I know I am very selfish and need to respect his wishes which is why I told him he can set any boundaries he likes. He said that he doesn't want to stop knowing me, but that he also had a lot to lose right now. He thought of me a lot during his trip and that he really hasn't been doing well with his decision. (He doesn't do "real well" with anything tough in life). He said that we could have very limited contact for a while because he wants to know that I'm "doing well" (whatever that means). I know that he didn't want to break contact with me at all, I really sensed that from his emails today about how he wasn't doing well with all of this. I realize now (finally) that it's not about me. It's about keeping his family intact so he can be a part of his children's lives.

Now, I geared myself up for him to say absolutely NC, so you would think I would be happy that I at least still have my best friend in my life in someway right? Well part of me is, but I still feel so very sad. Not that he wants to work things out at home. I expected that. After all, I'm thousands of miles away. I'm just sad because I'm still going to miss him every day, because I truly AM going to give him the space he needs and only write from time to time. I'm just sad. I'm afraid that we'll never get back the friendship that we had if I'm not able to talk to him that often.

I also admit that I still love him so much. But I'm willing to bury those feelings forever just so we can have a good friendship. Oddly enough, even though I'm in love with him, it doesn't hurt me anymore that he wants happiness within his family. Probably because there is no chance for us. I don't know, I just wish I had him back in my life like it was.

Has anyone remained friends with their xMM? If so, was it a lot of hard work to get there and have a really good friendship? I want this so much, I can only hope for it at this point. Thanks for your thoughts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 7:59pm
yes...it tore me apart & destroyed myself esteem...read my post below...bt not if it will depress you...what i'm telling you is that...it isn't possible.not now while you love him.i'm sorry.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 8:19pm
From my experience no, you can't just be friends. My xMM and I tried it several times, saying no matter what, we didn't want to lose the friendship. However, in our case it was the emotional connection of friendship that led to the A in the first place and our bond of "friendship" was pretty tight (I thought). I too said I would sacrifice my happiness to see him to work it our with his family etc. etc.....My MM said pretty much the same as yours, but now with a little distance from the A, I see that MM was doing me no favors coming and going while saying he was trying to preserve the "friendship". I think he was happy knowing that when he needed someone I would be there as a true blue friend, even though the reverse wasn't true (and there were instances to prove that). Its been rough for me the past few weeks, but I have real friends to lean on and these boards have helped with perspective. Good Luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 8:39pm
Thank you for your thoughts. The only thing that I think might be different is that I do live far away and I don't see him at all. I do fear that my own feelings will hurt me, but right now they don't seem to. Maybe I'm on my way to getting "better", I don't know. I'm just really down right now because we went from emailing all day every day at work, to not at all and now to once in a while. I know him pretty well and I think he doesn't want to feel guilty lying to the W when she asks if we have been talking (and she will) so limited contact will help ease him on the days she asks him, he won't have to be lying. At the same time he doesn't want to completely let go, like me. I know he's scared of what he has to lose too. I don't know, I'm just babbling at this point. I have nobody else to "babble" too. My mother and two friends I confide in tell me just to forget him. But ya'll know it's not that easy. :-) I guess now I just try and move forward and touch base with him when it feels right.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 11:43am
jessesmom -

was wondering how things were going for ya since i haven't seen u post lately. As u know, i have remained friends with my XMM....it has been very difficult and trying (especially since i still work with him).....and there is a very fine line between the friendship and returning to how things once were (the A). While still involved, we had contact every single day, either thru phone, text messages, or work. And when the A ended, it all came to an abrupt stop. Although here lately, he has been the one contacting me (I try not to contact him b/c i want to give him his space in this whole situation). I, too realize that the reason he has downgraded me to friend only is b/c of the situation with his child (i would do the same thing if i were in his shoes).

With you being thousands of miles away, it might be easier for you to remain friends with him....but it still won't be easy b/c all the feelings that u have for him will always be there and you will always be wondering (if he doesn't ever tell you) how he feels about you and the whole situation with the A. And it's especially hard when they start talking about the W or family. If you do decide to keep contact with him, you just have to learn to detach yourself from your emotions and treat him like you would a g/f...and not as an ex-lover.

It's been about a month now since he decided to end the A and remain friends, and i miss the closeness we once had. I feel like he doesn't confide in me like he used to (don't know if he doesn't want me to know wats going on with him and his W or if he is too afraid of telling me how he really feels about her). Plus i know he doesn't like to talk about it b/c it saddens him and he wants to just forget about the whole situation with her, so he would rather talk about superficial things to get his mind off of that. And i don't know how things r going to turn out, but i do know that i've decided to step back and be only a friend to him and just let him work on things with his W b/c i don't want to be in the middle.

So, i wish you good luck in remaining friends with your XMM and glad that he has decided to let you back into his life by having some contact with him. Just know that it will not be easy for you but we r here in your times of weakness and need. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 12:17pm
Hey! I just thought I would drop by the boards to get my daily dose of inspiration. Thank you for inquiring about what is going on!

Of course, I have been the one making all of the effort to keep some sort of friendship going but right now I don't mind. I miss him terribly. I take comfort in the fact that he has thought about me a lot and also selfishly that it isn't easy for him. Every time I start to get down over the fact that we went from emailing all day every day, to hardly at all, I remind myself that I told him I would leave him alone forever if that was what he wanted, and he didn't take me up on that. So for right now, as much as it still hurts not to have that closeness with him right now, I'm willing to honor his wishes because I care about him so much. I finally understand it doesn't have anything really to do with me, although I still don't know what happened to spark this "break" a month ago. I know now that he just needs to get himself together and give the marriage a real shot or he'll lose his kids.

It is going to be hard to be friends with him (even from miles away) because I still love him very much. He is the "soulmate" that I had to let go due to circumstances that weren't about us. But even with the love I have, I'm willing to bury it forever if I have to so that we can regain our special friendship. Fortunately for me (in this case), xMM isn't much of a talker, and he's very conscious of the things he says so I won't hear much, if anything, about the W.

Like you, my xMM doesn't really confide in me either anymore. Actually he hasn't said much of anything in the last month, keeping the emails brief but not without caring. It's very different and I think maybe part of that is for him too. I really think that our guys have just as much feelings as we do, it's just "easier" for them to put up a wall to sheild themselves from the pain that this is causing. Plus they'll do anything to avoid uncomfortable topics, even if it means talking about superficial stuff. It hurts, I know but maybe eventually the closeness will come back. That's what I'm hoping for, I just wonder if I'm setting myself up for disappointment.

Anyway thank you again for asking. I'm glad that you are able to be friends with your xMM too, and I know how hard it must be for you to face this every day. I commend you for your strength, it's something I didn't have 6 months ago. Maybe in time, you and your xMM will have that closeness you desire in a different way. Or maybe you'll decide that you are better off without his friendship. Either way I hope you find happiness, if you haven't already. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 1:17pm
it sounds like you r in a somewhat similar place as me where our XMM's r concerned which is why i like to hear how u r handling it and how u r doing. This is the only place where i can actually talk about the A and your posts help me, and it's good to cya back here posting again :). I wonder too if ime setting myself up for disappointment by remaining his friend but i would rather have him in my life than not at all and that is a risk ime willing to take. I hope you find happiness also, i know it's going to take me a long time right now since it's only been a month for me and ime nowhere near where some of these people are in their stages of ending the A. Just remember we're here for ya and let me know how u r doing :).
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 1:24pm
Sounds like we have the same timeframe too, as to when everything happened. I'm grateful to have this board too, and people like you to talk to because I can't talk to anyone els either. Everyone says "you're better off without him" and even though I'm not looking for them to tell me what I want to hear, I don't need to hear that. So I would rather talk with people that understand what I am going through, even if it's on a message board. I hope to hear from you also and you can email me anytime you like too! :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 2:00pm
thanx...i sent u an email...but it seems that the email account i signed up for ivillage membership is now deleted. I finally figured out how to change it so u can now email me and i will try again to send you an email. Look forward to talking with ya :).

patches

Edited 6/4/2004 7:45 pm ET ET by patches_4me


Edited 6/4/2004 8:26 pm ET ET by patches_4me