Blah day for ME, need a nudge.
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| Wed, 01-27-2010 - 11:26am |
Today is odd for me. It again reminds me that this is all a process. I am not sad, but I have been thinking of ExAP quite a bit. Not looking at him in a positive light....but I heard a song from a CD he burned for me. It just kinda put me in a BLAH...I know I do not want this man, even if he were to be single. I know that it is over and I also I am all the better for it. I just need a nudge. I have been so proud of me, I have maintained NC for close to 8 weeks and I do feel so much more like myself, but today hearing that song, hearing that voice, allowed that man too much time on my brain. Thought about why or if or why he has not contacted me (a good thing). Thought about whether I will ever run into or see him ever again. I would rather not. I guess the finality of it all is setting in. And yes, I know that this is a good thing. Its not yet noon, thank God, I can refocus and take him from occupying anymore of my day. I have been posting lately, but barely about me, so I figure before I possibly fall in a hole and can not pull myself out of, I came to you all.
Looking forward to hearing from ya....thanks.

Hello (-:
I am having the same kinda day. Sometimes that happens when I spend lots of time on this board - I can be triggered into over-thinking. I am trying to focus on school today, and to allow the thoughts to drift in but not take hold: easier said then done to be sure. Even though 2 months no contact is an incredible milestone, overall it's still pretty early in the healing process. I think it is easy to become disturbed when xAP take up space in our brains, I think we worry that all this means is that we're repressing things rather than moving through them, but actually I just think that's a normal part of the ebb & flow of moving on. I know that I'll think about my xAP some times more than others, some days more than others ... and with time these times will lesson and become less intense when they do arise. Truthfully, I can kinda feel his presence linger under almost each thought I have. It's something I am working on - eviction!
Anyway, just wanted to post a reply. Be gentle on yourself and get moving (-:
kinds regards,
j.
I was just about to start typing this message... I myself am just starting NC, and just as I typed my first word to you
Well, babygirl, you kind of set yourself up for that one, didn't you?? Back in my day, it was the break up mixed-tape that would send us into fits. Why on earth do you still listen to that CD, let alone still HAVE it. Throw the darn thing out so you won't be tempted to wallow or pick at the wounds!
You have the power here. It's YOUR choice how you proceed. Just choose to not be blah. redirect your thinking if you can.
I totally feel your pain, though, regarding the devastating impact music can have on your psyche. My X is a musician and the temptation to listen to his songs on the radio instead of turning the station is difficult. One has to realize, though, that that bittersweet pain of listening to the song is just self torture and serves NO purpose other than to set you back.
Get up. Brush yourself off and have the day YOU create for yourself. I know you can do it.
Love and strength coming your way,
Dee
My dear, please change your thinking.
God we've started something here lol... for me its alot of my ipod catalogue in my i-phone!
Oh, I hear you on that one!!!
The last time I had a cell was about 5 or so years ago. It just wasn't something I used a lot. Though, my friends here at grad school started to 'harass' me to get one so they could get in touch with me more. But, what really pushed me to get it was xAP (my choice, of course, but influenced by him/my want to keep 'more in touch'). He had a cell and as mobile for work a lot, so once I had a cell too - well, the contact kicked up sky-high because we could text all the time. Also, I had a 'My10' plan (national) so I could add his cell # to it and not be charged LD (since he was out of my calling area). The most use I got out of my phone (which is indeed an iPhone as well) was talking to him. It's a bit crushing now to look at it/use it and know I'll never see 'text from _____' pop-up (or, more like - so I hope!), and that I'll never call him on it again...you know, the 'I know it's better for me/it was the right thing', but it still hurts and is a bit of a reminder. However, I do text and call with quite a few of my friends, so that has helped. At least now every time that 'bling' that sounds when I have a text doesn't feel like a punch in the gut because I think it might be him. Erk...Sorry, that was a little off-topic!
For the OP - First, hugs! I'm only on day 3, or rather - going through day 3, of NC. It's tough, but today was a much better day than yesterday. I look forward to when I can get to where you are! Music is a very, very powerful thing. It was one of the things that xAP and I shared quite a bit of. While we were just talking, before any flirting/EA stuff, he sent me the occasional song that were a little more on the 'I like you more than I'm letting on' side. He introduced me to his fave band, and I did like the music - but I erased everything from my computer and iPhone. I can't listen to it anymore. Also, like another poster, he was a musician (not professional) but did send me some songs he had recorded in the past as well as a new one that he had done for me for my birthday. He is/was a good singer and guitarist, they were good songs - but in no way could I ever listen to them again. It would be like raking my heart over the coals again. And, while I liked the other music he shared with me, I don't think I'll ever be able to listen to that again either. Maybe in years from now, but I doubt it. Question - is it a song on a CD he made for you, or did you hear the song elsewhere and it happened to have been on a CD he had made for you? Either way I suppose, music is a very strong trigger (or can be. I know it is for me), so I echo others here and stay away from songs that 'remind me of him'. It's hard, and since it's only day 3 of NC yesterday I actually had one of 'his songs' stuck in my head. Ugh, awful! Today is better though, and I hope that you're doing a bit better now too!
((hugs))
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry
Didn't listen to the CD, it was playing in Starbucks. Don't have it anymore. It just came on this morning while I was having tea with friends. I know better! Wouldn't set myself up for the man to enter my brain, just wanted to clarify that.
Thanks everyone, your nudge has helped me. But if want to post again post the clarification, that would be great. Perhaps I should have made that clear in my original post. Would never invite him back in my mind....too dangerous... :)
luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
((luvinmeforever)).....let me say "I'm sorry".
Music must be a common thread among affairs. We too shared a lot of music. I had to erase all of the songs he downloaded for me on my ipod because they were mostly love songs that made him think of me. I couldn't bare to listen to them, wasn't healthy. I did send him a song via email a couple of months ago telling him the words to the song were about what I was feeling about the affair. I should have never done that because he texted me back after listening to it telling me he would never, could never, forget me, that we had a deep connection. Listen to this song by Maxwell "pretty wings" on Youtube. Listen to the one with the lyrics to read along, but promise me you won't send to xap even if it rings so true to you too. I don't want to be responsible for anyone breaking NC!
Hugs to all