Blah today

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2009
Blah today
18
Wed, 12-09-2009 - 9:36am
Feeling kind of down in the dumps today...I really want to call exAP to hear his voice. Somebody wrote (can't remember who)about getting a "fix" from AP. That's exactly what it is....I feel like I NEED to hear his voice and talk to him. I know that sounds ridiculous...I'm sure he's not thinking of me. Just want to get some reassurance....this is hard!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2009
In reply to: jilly1983
Wed, 12-09-2009 - 9:50am

Hi Jilly,


I can tell you that if you call him and get that 'fix' you're talking about, you'll feel good for about 2 hours.....then you'll start to analyze the conversation, but continue to tell yourself 'I'm fine, no big deal, nothings changed'....then tonight you'll keep hearing his voice as you toss and turn in bed....tomorrow you'll wake up thinking of how used you feel, how could he throw it away, how could it be over, why did he seem okay on the phone yesterday, like he was perfectly fine with the way things are now, isn't he struggling, blah, blah, blah...


And you'll feel like total crap again...


Then you'll feel sick to your stomach for allowing youself to break NC, and you'll feel like you're starting all over again in the process of getting over him, while knowing that again, today, he's perfectly fine, going about his life as he was before he spoke to you yesterday, no big deal to him....


and then you'll realize what a big deal that one little phone call was to YOU and your recovery....


And you'll feel worse than you do right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: jilly1983
Wed, 12-09-2009 - 10:07am

Jilly,


No one likes the blahs but we all have those days, whether related to A stuff or not, right? Yep, you are probably craving a "fix" but as I always used to say on here, "Don't feed that junky mind." ;-) The urge will pass, so ride

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
In reply to: jilly1983
Wed, 12-09-2009 - 10:56am

Hi J,


Sorry to hear you are having a rough day. You've got some good support from others here. I would also like to add that

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to: jilly1983
Wed, 12-09-2009 - 11:03am

Hang in there, Jilly


It's just your addiction trying to reassert itself.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2009
In reply to: jilly1983
Wed, 12-09-2009 - 12:24pm

Thanks Empower,


I think knowing that communication w/ex-MM will NOT give me a good 'fix' is what's making the pain so real now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2009
In reply to: jilly1983
Wed, 12-09-2009 - 2:39pm
Thanks ladies....everything you post is so helpful to me. Mickey, yes, you hit it right on the head. I think of something to call him about just to hear his voice and then afterwards I feel like: you idiot, why did you do that? He'll never just call you to talk about something. He never calls to ask how are you feeling and what are you doing or how is your day. I feel so cheap and used but I have no one to blame but myself. He said it was just sex. Part of me wants him to call and say that he wants me again but where would that get me? Back on the roller coaster and then the game would start all over again. It's time to focus on ME and what I NEED not him. I have to come to terms with the fact that there will never be an "us" and that he will move on and have another A. I'm just glad to know that I'm not alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2009
In reply to: jilly1983
Wed, 12-09-2009 - 8:18pm
And I'd just like to add......no, it wasn't worth it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2009
In reply to: jilly1983
Wed, 12-09-2009 - 9:03pm

Jilly,


For me, it's a bit different.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2009
In reply to: jilly1983
Wed, 12-09-2009 - 9:29pm

Thanks. The last time I talked to him was last week. I called him (of course). We got into a huge fight. He actually called me back a half hour later and apologized for yelling at me and everything. I couldn't believe it. That was all. I didn't call him back and we haven't spoken since. In a way, I think he called to apologize so he could "keep me in line" and "keep the peace". Maybe he thought: "What if I "need" her again?" I don't know....just a thought

I wish I could just close my eyes though and pretend like it never happened.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2009
In reply to: jilly1983
Wed, 12-09-2009 - 9:49pm

'I wish I could just close my eyes though and pretend like it never happened.'


Oh, wouldn't that be nice!

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