The Blame Game- It's Destructive
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The Blame Game- It's Destructive
| Thu, 07-15-2010 - 9:34am |
Good morning my EAS sisters and brothers-
One of the hardest things for me to overcome post-A was blaming. I blamed everyone- xap, my H, my parents, my friends, my job, my circumstances... When I really needed to be looking at myself. Blame gets you nowhere. This is a good post for those of you struggling with that.
http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2010/07/15/communication-posts-blame/
Hugs,

Thanks Jane -
In my situation, I've actually had a problem taking all the "wrong" blame on myself. My whole R with XAP was so messed up - a lot of head games that have left me feeling like I must be a horrible person. He had this whole "honesty" thing - ridiculous when I think about it now. He is living a lie, but wanted complete honesty from me. I lied about something to him early on, changed my story, but eventually came clean with him. But trust has been a huge issue ever since. So, even though there are a thousand reasons why I did the right thing by ending this, I still blame myself for things not working out. It's my fault he hasn't left because I'm not trustworthy. It's not true at all, but it's the way he has made me feel. Like his stalking - I'm not doing anything other trying to get through each day, but he drives by to make sure there aren't any cars parked at my house or office. And I feel like that's my fault.
I have to shift the focus to concrete, real things - like why did I let him treat me the way he did? Why did I put up with it for so long? etc.
Thanks for posting the link. :)
Bodhi
One of the things i learned from this board early on is that BOTH people involved in the A are equally responsible for whats going on. its not a question of blame, but its a question of owning your mistakes and your choices.
bodhi, your x sounds like mine--he would always tell me that he lies to everybody in his life except for me. and he had the audacity to tell me once that my marriage was based on lies--wtf, and an A is based on pure love? you are right about head games!
your xAP refusing to let go of you is NOT your fault. unless he has magnets in his body and you have magnets on your doorstep, there's nothing pulling him there but his own choices, and his own inability to accept that in order for you to be healthy, you need him out of your life. it makes him feel inadequate and insecure that you could move on from him.
beating yourself up just keeps you in the vulnerable position that allowed you to slip into the A in the first place. at least i've realized that about myself--i was so down on myself, adn it all just happened. so now, i need to shore myself up, despite all of the guilt and self-disappointment, because only in shoring myself up will i be able to be a better partner for H and prevent this all from repeating itself.
stay strong--your posts are always so helpful and compassionate to other posters. you have your head on straighter than you give yourself credit for.
Happy Day to You Jane!
Thanks for posting that great article.
Ex -
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Mine feels like everyone around him lies to him - tells him what he wants to hear. Including his W - according to him, she's a habitual liar. He is very self-righteous in thinking he is Mr. Honesty. So, his dream is to have all this honesty from his partner. What a joke.
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Talk about the blame game - I've always felt that it's easier for him to do that - blame me for his inability to leave and fix his life.
This is a good lesson for all of us - everyone should read that article!
Bodhi