blindsided by.....a dream?
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| Sun, 03-28-2010 - 10:18am |
i had a dream this week, and it has haunted me for days.
it was one of those impossible, surrealistic things that seemed so real that when i awoke that i was shaken and aching. the thing that made it so strange to me is that it was not really about xap--though he was in it peripherally---it was about his wife.
in this dream she knew of my affair with her husband. i was in her house and trying to get out of it without her seeing me. i did not want to face her-i was afraid. i was not afraid of her judgment or condemnation so much as i was terrified of witnessing the pain and destruction that my actions caused her.
my A was long-distance. i do not know xap's wife. however, i have seen pictures of her and in the days before our ending had the opportunity to read some of her letters to him. it seemed to me that she was a bright and articulate lady who loved her husband very much. she was unfailingly kind and supportive to him. artist, mother, loyal friend---in the dream she became the full fleshed-out person that she has undoubtedly always been---just not to me. the upshot of this dream is that she was a person that i would probably like and respect in RL. i am not a person given to much overt guilt, so it was very much a bolt out of the blue to "face" her---even if only in a dream.
before i had this dream, i felt i was making progress. i had entire blocks of time---sometimes hours---that would go by without thinking of xap. i felt hopeful that i was really and truly putting this behind me. since the dream, i have been struggling mightily against intrusive thoughts of xap, feeling raw again as i did in the first days of NC. the dream, though involuntary, was a break in NC for me, an opening into my thoughts. i feel i have lost ground.
any thoughts or musings or dream interpretations out there?
lillie

Lillie,
I too have been cursed with the dreams/nightmares of xap. Just had one lastnight about his dead father.
In the beginning of NC, I would dream alot about him. Alot of it was stemmed from guilt and fear. Our sub conscious minds go out to play when we're sleeping and it can do some strange things. I think it sounds like this was a release dream, youre mind is trying to get rid of all the emotions buried deep within .
I dont think youve lost any footing, for me, it makes sense this is part of the healing process for some. Our minds are cleansing itself. And it takes time, everyone heals and grows in their own way.
Try to look at this as your mind is taking a step fwd in healing. The mind is doing what it needs to do....its not a negative thing...even thou dreams do suck at times.
The dreams do lessen, the dreams do set us back emotionally in our waking thoughts, but its sub conscious where we do the real healing.
DM
I too had a similar dream recently, except I was in the household knowingly and was pretending I was just a 'friend'.
Dreams are just your subconscious working out issues. They are not a 'set back'; you are _still_ moving forward, trust in that. Just don't wallow in the dream - use this experience to your advantage by working through it.
All the best,
Dee
I would have the same dreams about x, being in his house and afraid to meet his wife (I've never met her). Woudl wake up all shaken. I asked him once did he ever dream of me. He answered (with this embarassed look on his face) that he does not see dreams.
Sometimes I wish I'd be just as simple:)
XOXO
Gone
No way is this a set back OR a break in NC.
thank you all for your insights and support. i guess that because i spend my days actively working hard to heal my life and move past this experience, when i sleep i let my guard down. it is a vulnerability that cannot be accounted for nor dispensed with. i must accept that my body knows what it needs, what i need, to move toward healing. my therapist once said that everything moves toward healing. it has become so very hard this week to think that this, too, shall pass. the circuitous route to wholeness is testing my faith that i will recover.
lillie
I too have had dreams of xap and his wife, throughout our A and now. I know what you mean about it feeling like a setback... but you said it well. We are always healing. And you are also right that when you are sleeping, you "let your guard down." It just goes to show you that they are in our subconscious, but I firmly believe that someday they will disappear completely. It's strange, I've had two dreams in the past week about my high school sweetheart and I haven't seen him in 15 years. Our minds do strange things.
Just remember, you are still in NC and that means that even though you feel down right now, you are still on the path to healing and each day you will get stronger. We all feel down sometimes. I've had a terrible string of bad days since Thursday, but I keep remembering Iddy's words to someone else on this board. She said, "Even in moments of complete devastation your inner core will be churning away, reproducing a new you.... Someone that you can be proud of now. It takes time and patience, but anything worth having never comes easily."
Thinking of you today Lillie.
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/