The boredom is killing me

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
The boredom is killing me
7
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 1:11pm

Overall, I'm doing pretty well. Even though it's been officially over for about 6 months, it's only been about 11 days of total NC. We had tried to maintain a friendship, but in light of how much pain I was still experiencing while attempting this friendship-only thing, I decided to stay away completely. I never told him that was what I was going to do, but I had sent off one last angry email on Feb 25, and decided after I sent it that I couldn't put myself through the torture anymore.

Anyway, I'm finding myself bored to tears every night. Before I broke it off 6 months ago, we had been chatting nightly for the past 3+ years. After I broke it off and we were trying to be 'friends', we still chatted online occassionally, maybe down to 3 brief conversations a week. But now that total NC began 11 days ago, I'm climbing the walls trying to find ways to keep busy. Don't misunderstand, I don't have the desire to log on and talk to him, and I certainly won't do so out of boredom thats for sure. I just have no idea what to do with myself.

It's when I am bored, that I start to get sad. A typical night for me once I get home from work, make dinner, clean up, my H stays with me a short time (usually driving me crazy with boring conversation like sports or politics) then he heads to his den to play video games or watch tv. We only enjoy one tv show together, because we have totally different tastes in shows. I don't even think I want his company anyway, because like I said, the things he talks about really makes me want to scream I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT!

The thing is, I'm really too tired after work and dinner to really do anything constructive anyway. Talking on the computer didn't take much effort and kept me busy for a few hours.

Anyone else finding it hard to fill in your time now? How are you handling all this down time?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 2:07pm
i am not handling the down time very well. was going to be promiscuous but 'they" are not "him"....i am feeling depressed and its been 4 months...i am isolated much of my day re: work etc. I think i will need to see a therapist. i resent that like hell.


Edited 3/8/2005 2:09 pm ET ET by lizzie1965
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 4:00pm
I am feeling just the same. I don't want to talk to him because what is there to say? I imagine he dosen't miss me or I think about every thing he did that hurt me. Sometimes I imagine the next time I will see him. I want him to wish he could have me. I joined the gym, I call my friends and I have begun writing in a little cheap notebook. I have to watch what I say in case someone reads it. The hardest part is when I am driving and I would normally talk to him. At first I called my H every time. He is not always there though. I have a friend the only one who I can talk about this to who tells me one day at a time. At the end of every day I feel a certain satisfaction knowing I made it. The empty feeling is the hardest part. I have to say I have painted my family room, replanted my garden so if this keeps up at least I will have a nice house to show for it.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 4:12pm

I know what you mean, my house has never been so clean :)

I used to talk to him on the way home from work as well, so now I just blast my stereo to drown out the noise in my head, because I find myself having conversations with him in my mind..anyone else do this? Of course, I'm always yelling at him and reminding him how he did me wrong.

<

I noticed several people make a similar statement..we all want the next time they see us, IF they see us, for them to look at us thinking they wish they still had us. Actually, that happened to me (although I think he said it for my benefit and didn't really mean it)..it was the last time I agreed to meet him for lunch but we had been broken up for several months at that time. It had been weeks since he saw me and he took one look at me and mumbled "damn, I f'd up". YES YOU DID!

I'm planning a trip in a few months, so that is something to look forward to, because I've never really traveled before. I just want and NEED other things to take up my time. TV just isn't cutting it. I find myself channel surfing and nothing holds my attention. I guess with spring around the corner that will give me more things to do, I will be able to get outside more, do gardening etc.

I just don't want to revert back to the computer looking for something to keep me busy..that could get me in trouble all over again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 5:15pm

Oh boy, Hurt Pup, can I get with that!?!? I used to fall asleep every night exchanging text messages with my XMM while snuggled under my blankets alone in bed. When I made the decision to rebuild my marriage, even though I did enjoy being snuggled up with my DH in bed, I really, really missed those darned text messages. And yes, night time is the worst. If my DH goes to bed earlier than I do and he's asleep when I finally crawl in, I used to find myself lying there thinking about all kinds of crazy things, questioning my decision to rebuild, glamorizing the A and the XMM, etc. You know the thoughts.

Listen, I've read a few of your posts on this and "the other" board but I'm not sure I'm familiar with your whole story, just bits and pieces here and there. If you became involved in A because that's part of your personality type, the absence is going to be noticed. When I say "personality type" I mean you are an addict, a thrill seeker, practice avoidance, whatever. For reasons I'm still trying to work thru, I tend to run away from situations and numb my feelings. The A was perfect for that! I had just been thru major trauma with my children and all I wanted was to be independent and glamorous and sexy (how shallow of me, huh?) when the reality was I am a caretaker of a severely disabled little boy and an able-bodied little girl. I buried my youngest child. During 2002, the only thing I wanted was not to feel. Maybe "normal" people don't react that way, maybe they mourn and cry and reach out for friends and family, but I'm not a "normal" person. I ran, and took drugs, and became involved in an A. UGH! I hate to think about that now, but I've had alot of therapy and have so changed my ways.

In short, I guess "down time", especially mental down time, was deadly for me because I spent it trying to figure out more and better ways to escape my responsibilities. I can totally identified with feeling "bored" at the end of the A. Now I don't remember, are you rebuilding your A?

Best of luck to you! Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 8:41pm

ladies,

at least u got your H and kids in the house, i have only the tv to talk too, so u gals are much better off than me in this department

what i do is i chk my emails from friends, watch tv, cook , take a warm shower at nite and watch tv again until i fall asleep in the couch

what a life, that is my routine when i get home from work, nite time is realy hard

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 9:38am

wow, Mo, I'm very sorry for the trauma you've experienced in your life..no one should ever have to bury a child. Thank you for sharing your story.

<<..all I wanted was to be independent and glamorous and sexy (how shallow of me, huh?) >>

I feel the same way, and now that I'm over 40, the need for that is getting worse. I just feel my sexuality slipping away and its scares me. I get very envious of younger women all the time, and when I began seeing XMM giving attention to this younger, very attractive woman that started hanging around our social circle, I wasn't only losing XMM over this, but I was losing myself and any of the self-confidence that I had gotten out of having this A with him in the first place. Like Free said once, you end up leaving the A with less than you went into it with.

<>

I'm assuming you mean am I rebuilding my marriage? Well H didn't know anything of this A, although he has to have noticed that I am not on the computer as much anymore, and when he asks if I've talked to XMM lately, I told him its been well over a week. The thing is, the longer this NC goes on between me and XMM, eventually H will say "what happened between you two?". Anyway, as far as rebuilding goes, I definately am trying to be there more for my H, trying to be more focused on the present. During the A, am I'm sure everyone knows what I'm talking about, your attention frequently drifted into fantasyland and the A..so I'm trying really hard to live in the here and now. The only thing that REALLY needs rebuilding is my self-esteem. The way I view myself, both physically and as a person, is a very important factor in why I took part in the A in the first place.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 11:52am

You and me both, Max. Not only do I work with MM. We also have nearly the same route home from work. This just keeps getting better and better doesn't it? And no, again, I can't take a different route home UGH! We have the same route home for the first 15 mins of the drive then we split off into different Interstates. Yeah, we used to talk on the phone the whole drive home, too, so I know all about those talks in your head with him and remembering when they used to be real ones.

Well, I come home to my empty house and my dog. I read e-mail, watch TV, read this board now, sometimes cry for a couple of hours until I can't see anymore, and then read and go to sleep. Sometimes I have dreams about him, so I can't even escape for that long...