Breaking the Ashley Madison Habit
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| Thu, 05-27-2010 - 9:25am |
Hi there,
I'm new here...and here's my story. I have been married almost 17 years to my high school sweetheart who I met when I was 16. We dated through high school and off and on through college and married when I was 21 and he was 22. We were both virgins when got married. We have 3 wonderful kiddies (12, 9, and 5). The whole affair thing was never on my radar at all...until a couple of years ago. I joined a social networking site specifically geared for my church's members for both married people and single people. I connected with past girlfriends on that site and met some new friends too. Even though my profile clearly stated "Married" I was shocked and also very flattered that single men started e-mailing me. They were innocent enough at first but then soon enough, their intentions were made clear. While I enjoyed the flattery I always stated that I would NEVER cheat on my husband. And then *Mr. Wonderful* sent me a note...single, attractive, extremely intelligent and witty. We bantered back and forth and as if almost overnight, the notes became very flirty and very suggestive. It quickly digressed into a full-blown emotional affair. He lives in a different state and we were making plans to meet in a separate city somewhere. The texts and the e-mails intensified over the course of several weeks and then suddenly, logic hit him. He was single...I was married. He called our meeting the "perfect storm"...we never planned it or expected it. But he also didn't want to be "that guy" who breaks up a family. So he ended it. I was devastated. I was grouchy and experiencing withdrawals the next couple of days. My husband of course noticed and even though it was basically "over," my husband had some suspicions, snooped through my e-mails, and found a few. He was shocked and hurt and of course, devastated as well. We discussed it over many tears and I assured him it was over and I was sorry for what I did. He forgave me and we moved on.
After being a stay at home mom for 6 years, I returned back to work almost immediately...which was the perfect way to get over this and to heal. I worked full time for almost a year but the job wasn't working out so I returned back to be a SAHM last summer. After a couple of weeks and more time on my hands, my thoughts slowly returned to OM. It was NC for an entire year. Finally, one evening, when husband was out of town, I e-mailed him. Immediately I received a return response and after a few polite exchanges, feelings came rushing back for the both of us. We started e-mailing and texting again and while it was exhilarating and fun we were both still holding back. After just a couple of weeks, he got cold feet and ended it...once again. I was okay with it...okay with letting go of HIM...which surprised me...but the rush and excitement of talking to "another man" was experienced again.
The next day, I put up a profile on Ashley Madison. I don't think I was looking for a physical relationship...just another "friend" to talk to. I was shocked, amazed, and extremely flattered at the huge response I received...within just a day or so, I was chatting and e-mailing at least 5 different men - men who I had the "luxury" of handpicking as I was able to pick and choose who I wanted to continue to communicate with. It was a whole new world that was enticing, alluring, and exciting. I received the flattery and attention which I guess I so desperately craved and I was hooked. I met 3 of them in person, all just over coffee but I never allowed it to go any further than a simple hug. I guess I just wasn't interested in sex or physical intimacy. The "idea" of that sounded nice, but I could never cross that line. This all continued for another month...just chatting and e-mailing these men and once again my husband got suspicious, snooped and found out. Again...more devastation, more pain. We ended up going to counseling and I was told to close all of the "exits"...to say good-bye to my friends. By that time, I was okay with that...while a couple of them were "good friends" and a shoulders to cry on, I wasn't super attached. I said good-bye to them. This was October 2009.
I was good through the holidays but by the end of January, those damn urges returned. Within a couple of weeks, a brand new profile was up again on AM and once again, within just a couple of days, I had at least 10 men I was chatting with. In my mind, I justified it because I wasn't having sex with any of them. My daily chats were just the little "fixes" that helped me get through the day. I met about 5 of them in person since then...one of which I really kind of "fell for" and was ready to take the next step with. But he wasn't. Kind of like my very first EA, this guy didn't want to be the first guy to "take me there." Therefore, to this day, I still remain a "physical" affair virgin. I didn't even kiss any of them.
However, I'm obviously a clumsy cheater and a terrible liar, because once again, my husband managed to find out. He ended up putting spyware on my computer and have read through my e-mails, accessed my cell phone bill and basically found out everything. He's known everything for about a month now. He finally gave me the ultimatum a couple of days ago...STOP or we're done.
I don't blame him. But at the same time, I don't want to lose him. I don't want to break up our family. I was being selfish. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. I get that. My husband has stuck by me...hoping that this problem will pass. But it hasn't yet. Since Monday, I have cut off communication with 3 of the 5 men I was communicating with. I plan to do the same with the remaining 2...my "favorites".
I have a beautiful family. I have a wonderful husband who I have constantly stabbed over and over and over again. The crazy thing is...with all of the men (professional, handsome, successful, funny men) I have met on AM, no one holds a candle to my husband. Truly, he is the embodiment of who I would have considered my "perfect match" on the site. I guess what ruled him out was the fact that I have known him for 22 years. It was the rush, the excitement, the challenge of meeting NEW people and enjoying that initial attraction.
I need to break this "habit" to kick the addiction permanently. Once again, my husband has given me another chance to work on our marriage. I need to do this.
Thanks for reading.

Hi Tiger- Are you in counseling? Just reading this post leads me to believe that you have some deep seeded issues that YOU need to deal with that are separate from your relationship with your H. I'd suggest you get into counseling immediately and work through your issues before you lose your H forever.
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane,
Thanks for your quick reply. Yes, I am in counseling. My therapist told me my OCD tendencies is the root of all this...when I take on new "challenges" I do it 1000%...whether it's a craft project for my kid's school assignment, a new job, a new fitness program, meeting new men...
It was an interesting perspective...and I see that. Moving forward, the best solution is to take my OCD and channel it into positive endeavors...which I have been trying to do the past couple of months. I went back to school and I started a new little side business. I was SuperMom and SuperWife before all of this crap hit a couple of years ago...my kids, my husband, my home, my family were everything. I long to be there again with no more distractions.
Hi Tigereyes :)
Ok..your post made me pop out of lurkdom when I saw the title!
RG,
Thanks so much for coming out of lurkdom! You're the first gal I met who has had experience on AM. If there's anyone else out there, come out, come out wherever you are!
Yes...I understand that I am / was NOT the only gal for most of these men...even though they told me I was. But they were not the only man for me either...I was talking to several at a time.
But you're right...those men...at the end of the day...are snakes. They're there for an AFFAIR and some of them are so eloquent, so intoxicating in their notes and messages...that it's easy to get caught up in it. I often hear "it's nice to connect with like-minded individuals". That's the problem with a site like that.
I would go to these men as a "shoulder to cry on"...but at the end of the day, they would help me feel less guilty about my activities on the site...and just sell sell sell me the "affair lifestyle."
My account is down by the way.
Congrats on ending your affair, RG. Thanks for your support.
TE,
Welcome the endings. All of us here want to see you healthy again so I hope you will stick around and read like crazy. Apply some of that OCD of yours to learning about affairs and why they are so destructive. Just reading everything in the Healing Library will give you one heck of an education. ;-)
Keep in the forefront of your mind all that you have to lose if you continue with this inappropriate past time. You also need to talk to your T about why you need validation from other men to give you that high you crave. Validation is something you need to give yourself, honey, and being a good mom, wife, business person, student, friend, daughter, etc. should more than do the job for fulfilling self validation. You are a very special and unique individual who needs to start appreciating/respecting herself.
<>
Perhaps, but I feel there is more to it than this. There is a void inside of you that
~Iddy~
I spent time on AM and set my "preference" for Cybering/Chat only. Like you I was flattered by the attention. Most asked me to continue the chat on Yahoo and I found myself chatting with 2 or 3 guys at one time. I would let them see my picture and was told I was hot and beautiful. I would have never met anyone in person (only selected people out of my state to chat with). There was one guy that kept wanting to video chat. He taught me how to set it up and I could actually see him looking at me. (I then thought, what if this guy is recording this??) I cut off the chat immediately and he got scary angry. I dropped AM quickly after that.
I was totally turned on to the idea of "cybering" and searched all over the web for "tips". I then came across youtube and video recordings of chats that are posted (basically there is some guy out there that likes to find people in intimate chats and record them and then post). Think about it, how mortified would you be if this guy or "friend" recorded your chat and posted?
I also started to wonder how much money AM makes off of these guys (don't they have to buy minutes? which is why the cheap ones asked to switch to yahoo). Then I figured....AM should PAY me to do this if the guys are paying them (Wouldn't that be a neat part time job as a SAHM?)
This is where my tale turns cautionary...After dumping AM, I still wanted that high you describe. That is when I started IM with xAP who was an ex-boyfriend which led to A. Get it. You will always be going after what is next if you do not stop completely (just my experience).
Here's food for thought for you 1 in 4 people between 14 and 55 have an STD. Google STDs and ask yourself if this is something you want to risk bringing into your marriage. Hopefully that can stop you from the "What's next?" step.
As one of the few male members here and someone who used AM in the past, I have to object to the broad strokes of stereotyping against men in this thread.
First thing - AM is a site, no bones about it whose purpose is for people to connect for affairs. That's no excuse for men (or women) to be dishonest about their intentions but there are probably a lot of people who are not looking for deep emotional connections of the type most of the people here (myself included) are trying to get over.
Question for you tigereyes: how is the communication between you and H? The fact that you are seeking attention from men and enjoy the communication (leading to EA?) side of things suggests to me that you aren't getting those needs fulfilled at home.
Many men don't communicate well with women, especially their spouse as years of stress, history, anger, resent, frustration, kids etc take root. Strangely enough the one thing xAP gave me was better communication skills that I am working hard at applying to my own marriage with the help of a MC.
Its not easy but we are getting there. We still have a boatload of problems and the temptation to stray is there, but we seem to be on the right track.
Good luck
FE (19 days NC)
Thanks so much for your reply, Julia. My preferences were always set to "Undecided."
It is scary to think how many people out there have STD's...seriously, that is scary to think how super easy it would be contract one and then (heaven forbid) pass it on to my husband.
FE,
Thanks so much for your reply. I didn't mean to broadly stereotype the men on AM. Despite the fact that I met them on an "affair" site, I still consider a few of them as great friends and it's difficult to let go of that.
It's interesting, because the first "Mr. Wonderful" who gave me the first taste of this type of interaction was on a site for my church members...and a lot of the single men who contacted me on that site were friendly enough at first but then their "true" intentions were revealed later...it was like the "church" site had all of the hypocrites.
On AM, well it is what it is...people are there to meet and hook up and live a double life. I was always clear with the men I met that I was looking for a stronger connection up front and for the most part, they were willing to take the time to establish that. I was also extremely picky with who I communicated with. It only took one or two e-mail exchanges and a couple of IM messages for me to see if I wanted to continue communication. So for me, I did have some deep emotional connections with a couple of them over the past several months but I suppose knowing that I did meet them on AM and that they're out there still trying to find the next affair is a bit of a consolation.
To answer your question, FE, communication between H and me has significantly gotten better. It's been a week since he gave me the ultimatum to stop or he leaves, and it's been a good week. I'm looking at him in a new light...rediscovering all the things that made me fall in love with him in the first place...and it's been nice. Good job on your progress so far...and thank you for posting. It's always nice to have a male point of view on this site.
I'll be honest, since tomorrow (Tues) starts a new work week, it will be challenging to NOT go back to old habits and communicate with my AM friends when H leaves for work. I stopped all communication with everyone on Thursday.
So today, it has been 4 days of NC.
Baby steps.
Thanks for your support, all.
Congratulations on day 4! That is awesome! I am so glad to see that you're sticking with us and actually posting to others, as well.
Welcome to the board and I wish you lots of peace and strength moving forward with us.
Best,
Dee