Breaking the habit

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Breaking the habit
8
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 8:57am
I have been, and still am struggling with the end of this thing. It has been two weeks and it doesn't seem to get better. But I do realize that when I am around others I really do not think about him for the most part. So I guess what my biggest struggle is breaking the addiction to the habit of him. Mornings are tough because we always emailed each other. So as I sit here doing my morning routine with my DD and I am having a tough time b/c he was part of this routine. Late afternoons are just the same. In the evenings I can't even listen to my DD's bedtime songs without longing to hear from him. So I guess I am thinkign if I can break some of my routines that maybe it will break the habit of him as well. I don't know. Anyone feel that way?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 10:06am
I do feel the same way about routines. I found that I drive different routes now because I knew I would pass him at certain points. Also, I changed my lunch hour because he used to call me at home and we would talk. Its been 9 days for me. Today is another good day...the first few were terrible. I have been keeping busy to the point of exhaustion. I wonder how long I can keep this up...I guess we'll see!

Good luck to you - I'm in the same boat!

:) Frisco

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 10:17am
<>

I feel the same way! Each day is a push..thinking about what I am goign to do to occupy my time. Think time is a bad think time is a bad thing. Can't wait for an easier day!

Thanks Frisco..you hang in there too!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 11:05am
Well, I am only on day two, so I envy you for making it two weeks already. I tried to keep busy last night, and I was okay. My son was up late, which normally I don't like, but I got to spend more time with him and when I am with him, nothing else in the world matters. But then, he fell asleep, my husband left for work (working nights this week), and there I was, all alone, with nothing else to do but be sad and feel sorry for myself. I know how you are feeling. Normally at night I will go online and MM and I chat a bit. And he will usually leave me a message on my cellphone every morning on his way to work. Day two and no messages. I am just dying, I am miserable without him. This is so hard. I would send him a sexy text message or two throughout the day, and he loved that. I have so much to do at work today but can't get myself motivated to do it, because I am staring at my cellphone. Even if it wasn't on, he could call me at work, he always would.

I can't offer you any advice except that I guess it will get easier as time goes on. I hope it will for all of us. Hugs to you from someone who is right there with you.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 11:30am
Hiya Bria,

<<>>

DD knows Mommie's mind is elsewhere and that Mommie is sad. Dependent on age she may believe she is the cause of Mommie's sadness or isn't enough to keep Mommie from being sad. By permitting exMM to be part of DD's morning routine cheats DD of her Mommie. Changing your routine even slightly will help both of you. Age dependent thing but I used to dress DD by her changing table, now we get her dressed near the chest of drawers. Try sitting in different chairs at the breakfast table, yes it feels weird not to sit in your normal seat at breakfast, but it's supposed to feel weird. See what other eeny-weeny little changes you can make to your morning routine. What you change doesn't matter so much as that there is change and it does focus you on the task at hand.

<<>>

Same deal, Bria, make tiny alterations to your routines. Every day that your focus isn't on DD, you're cheating her of her Mommie. Add a new song to the old favourites. My DD has two bedtime stories before I put her in her crib, there's a bed in there that we sit on to read stories. Our change was to add another book to the choices for nuh-night stories and instead of sitting at the pillow end, we sat at the bottom end of the bed. It focuses you on what you are doing because it is just different enough to not allow your thoughts to drift.

<<>>

You've answered your own question, hon. It will. And it'll work exactly as much as you want it to.

There's a huge difference in going NC because you want an end to it and going NC in hopes of manipulating the outcome. Work out what you want, but do it outside of DD time.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 11:55am
Hey Bria and Everybody!

Just wanted to add my 2 cents to the routine thing...

My heart always jumped when I heard my computer "ping" to let me know I got an email, and I always hoped it was him. I changed my alert sound, and it really helped! It kind of broke the association and I wasn't as disappointed when it wasn't him. Changing the way your screen looks helps, too.

Also, change your cell phone ring! If you have a special ring for him, or for text messages, change it!

And this might sound crazy, but I used a separate account for his IMs. I changed the password to "youvecometoofar" so I have to type that every time I log on to check if he's on. "rememerthepain" might help too!

:)

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 1:16pm
Lily, those are GREAT examples. Bria, it is a really helpful thing to make some changes in any routine or surroundings that remind you of you-know-who. It helped me SO MUCH in the beginning; I totally rearranged my office, which is where I always was when we communicated. I also added lots of pictures of me & DH to the decor. I changed my homepage, which used to lead me right to our private little email account. I have *completely* changed the routines of everyday life from the way I lived a year ago, when my world revolved around communicating with him.

Anyway, good idea; definitely worth trying for any of you who are trying to kick the habit!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 3:54pm
Posie, posie, posie you smart, smart woman

<>

When MM first ended things I totally kept the NC to manipulate the outcome..wasn't any healing there. This time I struggle with the two types of NC. I think I would be still hoping for a different outcome if MM wasn't doing so well at keeping the NC. It has taken me a lot longer to beleive that it is best for this to be over. Quite honestly it is almost easier living with it right now then without. I am trying to make that swith and keep the nc for the right reasons. I know it is prohibititng any true healing if I continue to spend each day wondering what he is thinkign and if today will be the day he contacts me.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 5:22pm
Hiya Bria,

<<>>

How dya 'spose I got that way? By making every single mistake I crusade so hard against...Repeatedly. Again and again and again. Perhaps beating my head against a brick wall must have eventually knocked a little bit of sense in there.

Even these days, 9mos on, I have bad moments, Bria. They pass quickly, I refuse to act on them knowing they will pass quickly. I simply occupy myself for the moment that it hits me. I look hard at who I've become and I like me. The fact of the matter is I simply didn't like the person I was whilst in my EMA and I will not become that person ever again, under any circumstances, not for no one.

You will get there, Bria. If you can't or won't gut it out, then you'll do it when the pain of remaining the same outweighs the pain of moving on, but you'll get there.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie