Breaking my addiction

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Breaking my addiction
8
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 7:35pm

Just wanted to share my thoughts on how my A really WAS/IS an addiction.


I first found EAS in November of 2009 and I think my 1st post was pretty much the next day. I was struggling so bad and had pretty much bottomed out by then. I began an A with XMM in October of 2008. I am M with 2 kids and so is he. He was a contracted employee at my job so we saw each other off and on. Pretty much flirting went to talking and well, we all know the rest.


By the time I had found EAS, Xmm had his Dday. His wife had found a card that I had given him and she kicked him out. He stayed in a hotel for a week and then came back home only to sleep on the couch for the next few months. During this time XMM began to pull back, he said he couldnt commit his time to me like he used to, he needed to "lay low" so he could be there for his DD's. During the 12 months prior to his Dday he told me that his marriage was one of co existance and mutual parenting, not one built on respect or love. Prior to his Dday he told me how if he could marry all over again, he would want me. He told me that I opened his eyes to what a relationship should really be like and how he and I would be so good together. I loved him for all of those things he said to me. They were all of the things I had wanted my own H to say to me for so long but he never did. XMM reeled me in with all of the compliments, attention and passion he gave me. I just soaked it all up being the hungry weak woman I was.


Im not out of this A fog by any means, I have so much work ahead of me. But my point in all of this is I see how I was addicted and how I hung on just like an addict. When his Dday arrived and he started pulling away, I held on tighter for fear of losing him and my fix. At that point I was hooked and I just couldnt stand the thought of losing what had become such a huge part of my life.


During the time that I was trying so desperatley to hold on to him I ignored my H, my kids, my job. I couldnt focus on anything but my interactions with XMM. I read and re read all of his texts and emails. I replayed conversations we had over and over. I checked my email so often during the weekends in hopes he thought about me enough to email me. I hated Fridays because it meant 2 whole days with potentially NC. But when Mondays hit, those were tough too. Id ask how the weekend was and then steer the texting session towards conversations about his W and M. Had they decided anything yet, was he back in their bed, did they have time alone, no kids???? He would cancel on me, Id be devistated. He wouldnt email me back, Id get crappy with him. I blocked time away from my family, work and kids only to have him too busy to get away.


I lied so many times I lost count. At my worst and lowest point, I left my DS, alone, in the hospital one day after he had

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 7:39pm

GMLB- Bravo. Epiphanies like these are awesome. And it feels great doesn't it. Just one more step baby- one more step towards healing.

Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 9:26pm

Dear GMLB,

Thank you so much for putting your story out here for us to read and reflect on. It takes so much strength to share those 'dark' moments. Gosh, I have my own memories like the one you shared about your son in the hospital. This weekend marks a significant anniversary of the lowest low of my xAP's behavior toward my family. Serious enough that all my BFF's have taken measures to support me through it, and my H isn't leaving my side. True Love. True Commitment.

And you and I both know, you ain't ever leaving your son's metaphorical 'hospital bed' again.

As we live, so we learn.

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Fri, 05-21-2010 - 5:15am

TU,


I just wanted to wish you strength on your weekend ahead that you had mentioned. You have surrounded yourself with those who love and support you and they will help carry you when you cannot stand alone.


You are very strong and wise TU and that shows on this board. Your posts have touched me and made me think, they have helped me see things that will help me heal. You have the courage to post here and that say so much.


You and I are new on our journeys here but you have offered me support and I wanted to do the same for you. Know that I am wishing you the best. You will rise above what has happened, we all will!!!


GMLB

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Fri, 05-21-2010 - 8:13am

Dear GMLB,

From the bottom of my heart - thank you.

You have been right there for me (too) this whole journey. Thank you for remembering about this weekend. You know, he already made a jibe about it in a group email to mutual friends. A joke in his mind I'm sure, but just the opposite in mine. How careless.

I will check-in and let you know how I am doing.

I feel so cared for: by my family & friends (and you!) ... I just know I am going to make it through this weekend.

My best to you GMLB,

((HUGS))

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Fri, 05-21-2010 - 2:38pm

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


<

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Fri, 05-21-2010 - 3:56pm

Rayne- Are you still struggling to put an end to your A?


Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Fri, 05-21-2010 - 4:34pm

Rayne,


Ill ditto on what Jane said. Let us help you. It IS an addiction and you can do it alone but its SOOOOO much easier to come here for support. When you are ready, post your story or email any of us through our profiles and we are here to help you. Its a lonely road when you try to keep an A secret. You can share it here and all of these wise women will hold your hand as you walk.


GMLB

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Fri, 05-21-2010 - 4:51pm
Yes, I really am.

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


<