Breakthru in communicating my anger with H!!

Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Breakthru in communicating my anger with H!!
6
Tue, 11-09-2010 - 10:34pm
Okay...now if only I had learned how to do this before the lousy A began. Well, this afternoon I had a heart-to-heart with H. Today is HIS birthday, so we had some time together over the lunch hour. I have been trying to process what makes me tick, what made me enter the A, and how I can address self-esteem issues so I don't ever choose that A path again. In T about it all, and I have a great T. I finally unloaded all the messy details of my A that I had been so desperately holding back from her. And so, today, my H asks how my therapy is going. Well, aside from the A stuff, I can tell him everything else (I have not gotten up the courage to tell him about the A and for now, I really feel that it is best) so...I tell him about the anger stuff. And I think we had a really great discussion! It was a breakthru and he told me that he really needs to be more sensitive about how he talks to me on a daily basis, specifically regarding church and issues pertaining to that. So, yay for the communication!! I love my H, he has always been easy to talk to and I need to open up my eyes to see what I truly have that is special in that man. My anger and self-esteem issues have clouded my vision. And the A provided the thick fog. Clearing that out really really helps. :) Hearts <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Wed, 11-10-2010 - 12:03am

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

This brought smiles to my face!!!!!! Great going!!!! That's awesome!!!!

It seems that YOU are breaking down YOUR wall to intimacy with someone who can REALLY give it to you!!!!! Your hubby! And it was wonderful that he responded with respect by letting you know he wants to be more sensitive to your feelings! This reminds me of a quote I heard recently:

"I'm Sorry" is a statement. "I won't do it again" is a promise. "How do I make it up to you" is a responsibility.

It sounds like your hubby is a guy who's able to take the responsibility part seriously. :)

Look at you! You are just rockin the confidence!!! I always think its a good sign when we women can CONNECT with our anger. Not in a crazy, out of control way - (see I even have to qualify it) but I think it takes alot of confidence to be angry with people we love. I know for me...I am always afraid they'll leave me if I show them my anger or if Im angry at them. And believe me - that's without being abusive. :)

Your therapy seems to really be helping you - along with the board! oH and No Contact..Oh and feeling ON fire at 40! oh and...

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2010
Wed, 11-10-2010 - 1:31am

Hearts this sounds great!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Wed, 11-10-2010 - 7:27am
It pays when we start to be 'real' in our relationships; particularly if you've had hurting in your life. Being vulnerable to & with someone else takes a leap of faith. I hope that you can continue to build on this new level of communication, and that indeed, your H will start leaving you room to express your feelings in a way that feels safe to you.

* I think your post also offers some great advice for people going to counseling/therapy ... if you're hiding parts of yourself back than you aren't getting to the deeper issues. *Your* therapist can't be a mind reader, and unless *you're* going to be transparent in therapy, *you* can't expect to be on the road to healing too quickly. It takes some time to build up trust to share, I get that; however, admitting to having an affair will expose to your T many insights into what might be happening for someone.

TU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Wed, 11-10-2010 - 9:04am
Thanks for sharing this with us heart. I, too never really let my DH in totally and I was a master at hiding my feelings. I am/was very passive aggressive which I am working on. Since opening up to my DH about my inner-most feelings we have shared an intimacy that we haven't had in years. I have learned to allow my DH to shower me with affection which has also been amazing. Lying in bed with him while he is holding me has been Heaven. It feels so good. During my A, my XAP liked my coldness and he liked the fact that I didn't show affection and didn't ask too many questions or hold conversations and it made my already screwed up personality much worse. My DH brings out the best in me and I appreciate him so much. Keep opening up to your DH and maybe one day you can even be honest with him about your A. I thought I could have never told my DH but since telling him our M has reached a level I never thought possible. M can be really sweet when there are no lies and no hidden agendas or secret third parties involved.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Wed, 11-10-2010 - 9:51am
<<*Your* therapist can't be a mind reader,>>

GMTA. I just said this in another thread before reading this one. FULL DISCLOSURE, peops. ;-)
Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Wed, 11-10-2010 - 10:11am
Hi Hearts,

I am so happy for you that you had a breakthrough in communication with your H and that he was able to hear what you had to say. I think that's what we all need, is to be heard. It makes such a difference in our relationships when we give each other the mutual respect of putting value in each others thoughts. This is a great step in your healing!