Breath knocked out!!! Help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Breath knocked out!!! Help.
28
Tue, 11-02-2010 - 3:24pm

OMG, OMG, OMG. I just learned some devestating news about xAP. I want soooooo badly to reach out, send a text, tell him how sorry I am for him. That I'm thinking of him during this time.

I don't hate him; never did. Just recognize it was a mutual ego-boosting thing we did. He never claimed to love me, I never claimed to love him. We only expressed a fondness for one another. We never fought, never had ugly words. There was no ugly goodbye.

The compassionate side of me wants to say something to let him know I know and how very sorry I am. But that will be breaking NC. I DON'T want to go back to the A and am not looking for a way to wiggle back in, but for goodness sake, I'm not an inhumane, unkind person. My heart is literally breaking for him right now. What should I do???????

~alwayst2

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Tue, 11-02-2010 - 4:38pm

((Alwayst))

Although not the same thing as hearing devastating news, I just went through a very difficult moment myself with my XMM. As you all know we work together and have known each other for 21 years. He is leaving for out of town in the AM to watch his middle son's deployment ceremony a few states away from here. I know he is hurting terribly inside but I could not, and would not give him the emotional support I know he wanted/needed. All I could say to him as I walked out the door was, "I know this is an emotional time for you but I am lost for words." His response was, "It's okay. It is what it is", not referring to our situation, but to what his son must do for his country. Little did he know that his words are what I am always saying on here re. our affairs. On the drive home I had a lump in my throat because if he had been anyone else, I would have been able to hug him/her in a heartbeat. I can't go there now because we tarnished the innocence that such a moment could have held.

Reaching out to your Xmm would do nothing but hurt yourself and/or him. I knew this too, and that is why I was just short of being a cold hearted biatch. I fought back my feelings of confliction as I drove the 12 miles home, cranked up the radio, and maybe drove a little faster than I should have, but I wanted to put distance between us as fast as I could. Let me tell you something....LC sucks rotten apples. I'd just about give anything (children and grandchildren not incl.) to not knowing what is going on in JAM's life.

Whatever happened to your Xmm, remember he has a family, friends, and probably a support group to get him through. My mind flashed to these thoughts too as I was driving home.

Love and hugs,

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Tue, 11-02-2010 - 5:32pm

well shoot Iddy, if that did not nail it...what would? Always...ya see what i am sayin? Momma Bear herself still has to put on her game face after all these years. Not easy, but the right thing to do.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 11-02-2010 - 6:49pm

Well shoot!


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Tue, 11-02-2010 - 8:11pm
It never goes away, does it, Iddy? I am so sorry for your personal pain, too. I appreciate everyone's very thoughtful response to my plea. I am listening. I'm not going to text him. I cannot do anything to help. Clarity's message sealed it for me: he already knows who I am, already knows I'm thinking and praying for him. There's no need to send that message in a tangible form. My heart is still breaking, though. Please tell me it's okay to still care for them. I can't possibily hate him. I can probably feel rather indifferent over time, but right now I care about his well being. Do you still care for XMM's well being? I don't want to turn into a cold hearted biotch for the mistake I made by getting involved in the A. I never blamed him for what was my choice, you kwim? Like someone else said (and I am paraphrasing) we were both broken people attracted to the broken parts of each other. Please tell me if I am making progress...This hurts so bad.
Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Tue, 11-02-2010 - 8:38pm
Late to support you - but I am dragging myself outta this funk I am in to respond. I know that you aren't going to contact him, that you have received all the reasons why that would in fact, NOT be supportive, so I am just going to lend my support for "NO ACTION" ... if you care about him like you say you do, then step away and protect yourself. DO NOT break contact by googling any more information about this story. As Luvin said, do not watch the news or try and follow HIS story. It is harder because he is a public figure ... do you know what I had to do tonight? I was at a small group presentation/discussion and yes exA was there ... we were in small group discussions and I could hear him talking at the table next to mine about things that were going on for him. I actually plugged that ear and hummed silently in my head to drown out the sound of his voice. INSULATE yourself until this all goes away. Your Life = Your focus. His life = HIS BUSINESS.

Huge hugs,

TU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Tue, 11-02-2010 - 8:50pm
I do not hate my xmm, Alwayst. That would still be feeling something. I am at indifference, but there will always be moments/memories that hold the potential to cause pain. We are only human, after all.

This too shall pass. You just throw it in your grieving basket until you can accept it for what it now has to be.

((Hugs))
Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Tue, 11-02-2010 - 10:49pm

Alwayst-

You don't have to hate him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 11-02-2010 - 10:59pm

Not sure what the difference is between 'quick reply' and 'reply', so I chose reply so I don't have to reply quickly :)

I don't hate my xJAM.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Wed, 11-03-2010 - 12:40am

Catching this late. I can't add much, the good ladies here have offered up their best advice to you. One thing that I thought of as I was reading your post was since xAP is a public figure, what if someone reads or has access to his texts? Best to leave this alone. In this day of hacking and spying, we can never be assured of complete privacy. And there is no need to let him know how you feel. Make yourself stronger by knowing you are doing the right thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2010
Wed, 11-03-2010 - 4:15am

Always 2 I have little to add to what has already been said!

But I do feel for you!