Breath knocked out!!! Help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Breath knocked out!!! Help.
28
Tue, 11-02-2010 - 3:24pm

OMG, OMG, OMG. I just learned some devestating news about xAP. I want soooooo badly to reach out, send a text, tell him how sorry I am for him. That I'm thinking of him during this time.

I don't hate him; never did. Just recognize it was a mutual ego-boosting thing we did. He never claimed to love me, I never claimed to love him. We only expressed a fondness for one another. We never fought, never had ugly words. There was no ugly goodbye.

The compassionate side of me wants to say something to let him know I know and how very sorry I am. But that will be breaking NC. I DON'T want to go back to the A and am not looking for a way to wiggle back in, but for goodness sake, I'm not an inhumane, unkind person. My heart is literally breaking for him right now. What should I do???????

~alwayst2

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Wed, 11-03-2010 - 7:20am
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Wed, 11-03-2010 - 8:45am
OK, this sounds like another ego stroke to me. Do you really believe that you are the ONLY person on this earth who can console him? Is he M? What about his W? You know, the woman you helped him betray? Allow her to comfort her H and the family in his real life and stay out of their lives for good. The greatest gift you can give him is to not enable him to be a liar and cheater by secretly helping him to break his M vows. The universe didn't make you the keeper of him. He did fine before he met you and now he will have to do fine also. Don't use this as an excuse to get your ego stroked by him. It's very dangerous. If he made a bed of roses, he needs to find a way to make better choices that are honest and unfortunately you are not a part of his "honest" life. You were his dirty little secret. Let's just say that you reach out to him when he is already going through something horrible and the public and his W and family find out that now he is also a cheater because his mistress came out of hiding to see how he is doing. How do think that would go over? You would further ruin his reputation and his M as well as yours probably. The breath is knocked out of you because you are still harboring some kind of responsibility that he somehow is a part of you. He isn't. He is someone elses and you should learn to respect that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Wed, 11-03-2010 - 9:10am

Always,

Mom has her way of saying things, I totally agree.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Wed, 11-03-2010 - 11:07am
Mom,
I appreciate you taking time to offer advice. I found your post rather offensive, though. Firstly, I never stated or believed i was the only person on earth who could console him. Far from it. It was a gut reaction/instinct to reach out to someone hurting who I care/cared for. It's only been 3 weeks, so yeah, there's still some feeling for him left inside of me. He has pretty much ruined his reputaion all by himself, though. I tossed and turned all night thinking about it. There's nothing I can do to help him, nor am I in any way in charge of trying to help him, nor am I in any way responsible for the choices HE made in regards to his life. Nor am I even responsible for trying to help him feel better. I cant help but to feel badly for him, though I am not acting on that feeling. I am not indifferent yet. But what I am doing to move beyond the A is coming here, being honest and trusting in the process and the advice I am getting. I understand tough love, but I am reading a lot of bitterness and venom in yours.
Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Wed, 11-03-2010 - 11:24am
Mom,

I usually don't have a problem with "most" of your posts, honey, but IMO you were wearing your "betrayed spouse" hat this time around. Remember that Alwayst is only 3 weeks out, freshly raw, and still grieving.

Just saying,
Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Wed, 11-03-2010 - 12:17pm
Alwayst, I hope today finds you in a better place. I know this has been a real struggle for you not to reach out and the ladies here have provided you with great strength to encourage to hold on tight. I can totally relate to what you are experiencing. Although it wasn't as early in my ending as yours, I didn't have a tragic situation, but it was a devasting situation and I too wanted to reach out. I fought it, and I fought it hard but I made it. As you get further out you will be proud and amazed at yourself for the strength you found within yourself at this time. I am so proud of you for chosing you, your healing, for trusting what the posters are saying to you. No matter what the situation, you chose yourself. How COOL! It may not feel like it right now, but it took tons of courage and strength and that is COOL!

N_S
BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Wed, 11-03-2010 - 2:55pm

OK, I am very no nonsense. I have been on both sides and maybe because I am rebuilding and my DH and I have had to shoo away his XAP and mine to salvage our M it came accross as a little bias. I tend to be a hard nose by nature but I am learning to loosen up a little. I just know how we can make excuses (all sorts) to stay in the illicit A. I remember once after I ended my A, I remembered I had left my brush in his car. I told myself I NEEDED that brush because it was my favorite brush and works well on my thick hair. I do apologize to Alwayst2 but she has to realize that contact under any terms is not about him it's about her. I sympathize more than you know with ppl hurting after an A. I personally didn't but my DH XAP did and I talked to her on several occassions explaining to her the importants of her not being in my DH life anymore. She was heartbroken and I felt sorry for her but eventually I made her see that she was a danger to our M. This A crap is just a big mess always. I consider my hand slapped.

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