A brief glimpse of a light bulb moment

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2010
A brief glimpse of a light bulb moment
6
Thu, 12-30-2010 - 1:50pm

The light went on in the middle of the night, but only for a moment...:smileyindifferent:

I woke up and was filled with sadness at what I think I have given away...JAM made me feel more beautiful than anyone ever has, in my 50 years on this planet.

He also made me feel lower and more miserable and more discarded than I ever have.

So while today is a sad day...and it is tempting for me to curl up on the couch and shut out the world...it's the world out there that I need to be in.

Yeah, just a low day today. But I'm still here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2010
Thu, 12-30-2010 - 2:12pm

Just further idle thoughts...

So he made me feel beautiful...but is it HIM that I miss? Or is it the feeling?

I have written in my "Reasons He Is A Moron" list, which I refer to often for reminders as to why this has to be over, that, "He is actually really boring. Seriously."

(The list of transgressions also includes that he wears Crocs. I mean, come on...Crocs?)

Anyway so I have thought this for a long time. That it isn't him that I want, it's the feeling of being cherished and loved and nutured and a sense of true intimacy. I don't get that from H. Which does go partway to explaining why I entered the A in the first place.

I have decided to see a T next year and want to really dig deep and figure this one out. I really reckon I'm onto something here. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
Thu, 12-30-2010 - 2:13pm

Lulu-

I'm sorry you are having a sad day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2010
Thu, 12-30-2010 - 2:19pm

Awww...thanks Miss H! xxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Thu, 12-30-2010 - 2:25pm

Lulu -

I thought the same thing too - like I was the most beautiful thing on the planet. That feeling is addicting. It gets very confusing when someone makes you feel that way, yet chooses to spend his life with another woman, doesn't it? You asked a great question - do you miss him or the feeling? I'm guessing that you are a little confused right now, so having been out of the fog for 6 months now, I'll answer for you - it's the feeling you miss. If you are completely honest with yourself and look at the relationship as is really was (not the fantasy that you wanted it to be) can you say that you miss him? Keep it up!

Bodhi

PS - the ONLY people crocs look good on are 3-year-old girls :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2010
Thu, 12-30-2010 - 2:30pm

Thanks Bodhi, and you're right of course. About the Crocs too!

Although today is not such a brilliant day - it IS starting to brighten after chatting to you all.

Thanks everyone :smileyhappy:

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Thu, 12-30-2010 - 2:38pm
It IS just the feelings, you are missing them. But you are smart and on the right track to realize it was just feelings. You found your validation in his words instead of inside yourself. BTDT !!
In time, you will begin to love yourself again and find your self respect and in that, comes validation based on YOU, not some lame words from a JAM. hugs!!